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While I think I let this happen to me and definitely had some issues before her. My situation feels so extreme that I feel like no one can relate. Often I have trouble connecting to my own emotions. I think I suffer from complex-PTSD. Logically I understand so much. But emotionally I feel lost, confused, hurt, broken, and sometimes I want to die because even though I try to give myself love and acceptance, it feels so hopeless sometimes, untangling all this confusion. I went ALL IN on her. I lost all sentiment and honestly I stopped caring about my friends, family and myself because I put every ounce of care I had into her.

The after was when she left about 8 months ago. I'm doing better, shower once every 1-2 days and brush my teeth 1-2 times a day. She married some other sucker. I always thought if I just loved her enough and cared enough that it would work out. And so I poured all I had until there was nothing left. For years we stayed together, me unable to concentrate on her detailed way of talking because I was such a nervous wreck, and she guilt tripped me for not paying attention to her. She did some stuff that caused me to lose my programming job, my best friend and my home, shamed me for my sexual feelings until I hated my sexuality and not once took the blame for anything... .until we broke up and she was with another guy.

Superior,

We can all relate to you in one fashion or another, some more then others. I read your words and i know exactly how you feel, about the pouring every ounce of oneself into the other person. It really was no different with mine. She even shamed me for my sexual feelings by calling me "gay" because i stopped having sex with her in devaluation. Not only did she say that, but actually convinced herself of that. Like yours, mine took no blame for any of her actions. None. Zero. Hang in there Superior.

I could relate to a few things on your list- the anxiety, loss of identity, not able to concentrate on things.  Loss of friends.  Man, it sure is a rough road to walk.  Something I have found that has really helped me is physical exercise- just burning that sadness and anger out.  And it takes up as much time as you devote to it.  The challenge for me was in keeping myself motivated to pursue my own healing- no one could do this for me, no one.  I wish you luck and cheer you on!

My ex devalued me in so many ways at the end of our relationship- and even before the end.  Behavior I couldn't understand because it was CRAZY.  Between the uexbf and the uexh my hair started falling out in patches.  It took a full year, until I reached the early glimmering phases of acceptance, for my hair to begin to grow back.  I felt awful- not only had I be cruelly dumped, but I had bald patches.  Painful, hurtful stuff there. 

You are not the labels she placed on you, or even the labels YOU placed on YOU.  I am glad you have found these boards- there are plenty of us relating to each other through this cyber community, because no one in our daily lives gets what happened nor understands why we are so devastated.  I hope today is better for you. 

Superior.

   People who knew you especially before this relationship cannot understand because they thought you were a stronger person. They don't realize how crippling this relationship was, they can't fully empathize because they haven't experienced it.

That is why this forum is so critical. We understand. I will say my friends have been very supportive as well as my family because they love me, however yeah, they don't understand how I would allow myself to be treated this way.

I almost killed myself over this relationship. Today, I can only imagine the pain it would have caused those who love me. My ex wouldn't give a flying f!

We are so much better than this. Time and patience my friend... .and a good therapist that knows a lot about BPD.

Hey SuperiorOutlook, I just want to say that you are not alone. 

I totally identify with what you say about "going all in". I put up with so much and tried so hard. I was losing myself. I was turning into somebody who was a betrayal of the person I came so far in my life to become.

SuperiorOutlook, it is okay to feel like nobody can relate. That is simply your feelings which can never be falsified because feelings aren't facts. The actual facts are probably that somebody out there does relate. A long time ago, I almost committed suicide because I felt utterly worthless, that I was nothing, that I was different from everybody, defective. But the fact is that I'm a human being just like anybody else, and so are you. And just like human beings have intrinsic worth and value, so do I and so do you even at those times we cannot feel it ourselves.

No matter what the past was, isn't the future still unknown? So why not choose to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself? If you aren't in therapy, it may be worth trying. If you are already in therapy and you feel stuck, then it may be worth trying to find a different therapist that is more effective for you.

I survived visiting the brink of death, and then years later I have survived a BPD relationship (still healing though). I'm not any more special than you, I only made the conscious choice to persist and to be kind to myself and care for myself. You can choose this too. 

Superior Outlook,

You are not alone. I feel the same way most of the time. I had to get immediate therapy to deal with C-PTSD because I could not cope at all. Barely functional. I felt like I wanted to die too - like it was too much, and I couldn't face the day when I woke up in the morning. I had no appetite, could not sleep properly and felt panicked at random intervals all through the day. Haunted by all of it, a chaos of emotions. The first week I saw my therapist 3X. Since then I've gone 2X per week. It has been 8 weeks for me now, and the PTSD is much, much less. But I still feel confused, hurt, broken and hopeless much of the time. I try to give myself love and acceptance too, and loving myself through this the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Whereever you are, know that those of us here know these feelings, and we're listening.

Somehow, there is a way through. All I know it that others have done it, and so we can too. Somewhere deep inside us is a strength. Doing the very simplest things at first is a sign of that strength.

   

I can relate to your post... .went all in as well. Had dated my pwBPD 25+ yrs earlier and was abruptly dumped and devastated. She caught up with me on FB... we had sparks and ended in me getting a divorce, losing my job, my family and my self respect... was re-devastated. I tried very hard to make it work, we recycled about 7-8 times... each worse than before. Very worst argument (which was pretty one sided... her raging at me... ) ran 7 hrs. I have been in EMDR treatment for PTSD.  Feeling motivated finally, instead of depressed... .but its been 18 months since we broke up and 16 months NC. My sleep habits, self esteem, and confidence haven't recovered.

You are not alone... .suspect some people around you have had similar experiences... .but who would want to talk about it? Tried talking with family and friends and they really have no clue what the experience is like. Its most similar to losing a parent... .perhaps an abusive bad parent. But even that isn't as intense.  If you are devastated, see a T, it has helped. Just being around someone you can talk with helps, mine did EMDR which helps a bit, and got me to try mindfulness... which helped stop my ruminating and de-stress.

It gets better eventually. Worlds better now than I was first go round years ago, or even one year ago.

Thanks for all of your support and trying to relate. I think much of it just has to do with me. If I can't find or understand myself, then I feel lonely no matter what. It's so bad it affects my relationship with my cats. I do what I can for them too, I just can't trust and connect, and be vulnerable much of the time, even to them.