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I got very angry last night, to move the feeling on I excercised, did a route march with heavy pack on and my aggression just grew!

If I had met mt replacement or BPDexgf I would now be in jail!

I slept ok.

Woke this morning with a profound emptiness and sadness that was overwhelming. I just wanted to die. Its like my mind had slipped. So empty. I forced myself into work.

Whilst at work the waves of anger and total grief enveloped me. I forced my emotions down and had to stop the tears many times today.

And the anger... .This is just total destruction. The thoughts of what I could to to exact revenge on this pair of scumbags. End of the world stuff.

Im in such pain. The devastation of her betrayal of me is total. The callous, devious way in which these two operated and lied and overlapped me is shocking.I cant get my head around it.

She said she would never let me go again.

They wont even face me.

They are cowards, and you are not. Your empty feelings will subside. Hers will not. You will get through this. She will play her pattern again and again, thankfully, without you.

I validate your feelings of anger. I've been at this the past few days, because that SOB hurt my children from afar.

I am so sorry you are having to experience this Naddred.

It is not fair and it hurts terribly to be lied to - our faith and trust is literally shattered. 

I know that anger and that empty, it is so hard when in it.  You are doing the right things, exercising and reaching out - and letting yourself feel it all, not numb it away.

What I can tell you, is that feeling will pass - it will take some time... .I remember actually being sick and tired of ME.  But, once we go through it - it changes, we change and there is a peace and calmness, a sense of worth in our ability to withstand exceptional emotional pain and still go on.

You are not alone and you will be ok.

,

SB

Thanks Turkish.

It feels so wrong to me to just crawl under a rock so they can pretend they just met after our break up. She was seeing him in early sept and we split in Oct.

If I do anything she will have me arrested... .again.

They are just taking the urine!

I know she will ruin the new R/S all by her self. She has taken all my power away, my voice, my rights.

I have to just crawl away!

Thanks Seekingbalance.

Im going seeing my therapist in an hour so ill be able to talk through some things.

I took myself to the Gym this lunch time and smashed the punchbags! it worked a bit.

I wont take anti depressants coz I beleive we need to feel these emotions and deal with them, not mask or hide them.

Im just so so hurt, everyday my mind works out more of the cheating puzzle and puts in pieces and I see a bigger picture.

Why did I go for round 2?

yes. absolutely. stuff not fit to type.


this, a dozen times this. remember it.

Just wanted to say Hi Naddred369  |iiii

I remember trying to process everything to the point I think I overloaded and broke down and simply wept... .yelped, howled and bawled... .literally for 2 hours with only time to take breath (I have never felt such pain cos I wanted to "be a man" how wrong I was!)... .you are doing the right things, feel it, let it come.  I still get a tear in my eye from time to time but little more; I too have bad days, we all do. Let people know in your work environment (if they don't already) and you may find understanding.  I was the same, tearing up at random moments... .we simply aren't at full capacity.

You woke up this morning and everything was wrong (do you mean just today or during your relationship? - you have a future that might seem very far away from where you are now; continue to do the right things (and allow yourself a slip up too).  If so, in your future you will have many more mornings when you wake and nothing will seem wrong - it might not be soon, but it is waiting for you... .take little steps each day and you can find it... .

I thought counselling would be a magic fix, but for me it brought home the thoughts I really knew but just didn't want to face - face your fears and & I guarantee you will be a better person for it.

You are not alone in this company of good people.

Whichwayisup

good for you - therapy takes time, but very much worth the effort you put in.


yes, I found physical release very very beneficial for getting the anger out.  Keep it up!


if you need them, take them... .it certainly isn't a free pass.  Some folks simply need that 10% buffer to function.  If you are functioning fine - ie going to work etc, good for you.

More often than not, people numb with alcohol/drugs or most common - a new relationship.  It is in feeling the deep stuff without the band-aid that we heal.


cheating sucks... .no way around it.  It is so unkind and pushes so many of our core, "not good enough" buttons.

I am sorry you have to go through this.


great therapy question

For me, I wanted to believe the change I was told... .I needed to - my dream that I wanted hinged on it (or so I thought).

Forgiving someone once is hard enough, learning to forgive ourselves is important... .your T will help with this.

Keep posting, you will be ok - honestly.

Best,

SB

Naddred,

You have the power my friend.  It's the power that got you into this in the first place:  your loyalty and your concern for people.  It's time for you to use that power for you and you alone.   Be loyal to your basic self.  Love who you are.  Give your care and concern for others to someone who can appreciate it.   [No, I'm not talking about rushing out and dating either.   Mistake that would be!]

Get involved with a volunteer group.  Dance if that's your thing.   Sing in the shower.   Create a community around you that values you for the person that you are!  Let them validate the awesomeness inside you.

You are giving her your power.  Take it back and give it to yourself!

You need never have to crawl.  Go forth and make a new life using the love and loyalty and concern that you have for anyone.  It's your strength, my friend!  Use it on yourself!  Soon you'll learn to even emphasize with the expwBPD for their childhood experience that caused this to them when they were youths.

D

Thanks Guys,

Dpenderg,

Had a good talk with my counselor tonight about taking my power back. Gonna send her all the crap she is demanding, all the love letters I kept, all the cards, presents, photo's back to her in a box by courier!

I dont have the time or patience to deal with her anymore.

There will be one note for her (courtesy of Ironmanfalls): congratulations, you lost me. Im gone.

No more recycling, no more pain, no more manipulation, no more BPD.

Total N/C from there on in!

That was her only tool left,her hook, comunication.

End comms you remove the hook.

Good for you Naddred!  Sounds like sage advice.  Go for it!