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I'm not sure how I'm feeling. I'm 38 and separated from the uBPDw with S3. Living at my place out on the beach. The holidays are here which is bad enough, but it's also the same time last year that the bottom was falling out, so there are a lot of triggers. I've been in a funk for a while. I'm trying to sell the place on the beach so I can eventually get back to the house; also just to get back to civilization - it's a bit off the beaten path, so I'm not nearly as active as I would otherwise be - everything is a long drive from here. My energy levels have been sapped for a while. I don't know if it's just wanting to move on with a seeming lack of forward progress. I'm sad because this year I don't get my son until the afternoon on Christmas - I won't get to see him get up and open his presents in the morning and I wonder when or if I will again in future years. I think of black Friday and how excited I was to load the car up with poinsettas that were on sale to plant in the front yard and the several days of work putting up the lights (only to be taken back down and all the other Christmas stuff packed up the day after Christmas). The ex has already moved on to the next guy which by itself doesn't bother me but it will probably be him that's hanging out at the house Christmas morning. As nice as it is, the change in weather (south Florida) seems to trigger a lot of the emotions I was having this time last year.

I'm also looking forward to the new year; prospective buyers should be coming around and because the split happened right at the beginning of January, it will be reminiscent of starting over again; only next year I'll be a step ahead. I'm hoping it'll be a new fresh start. I'm also looking now at closing up some loose ends that are indirectly related. On Saturday I'll be seeing my next door neighbor from our house for the fist time since I left. My departure was without warning; there one day, gone the next. I always felt a little bad about it. I'm also trying to track down someone I'd been seeing before I'd met my ex. I don't know anything of what's going on in her life and the circumstances of our breakup left no real closure - it wasn't because we weren't getting along (long story). And who knows what can happen if I can both find her, find her single, and still living in the area... .the holidays may not be so bad . Wishful thinking, so I'll set my sights on "closure" for now.

I'm really just looking for some outside perspective... .that is unless you know how to speed up the calendar a bit... .

The holidays can be tough for lots of reasons, including all of the triggers you mentioned in your post.  Are there some projects you can do on the beach house to help prep for selling it?  Other friends you can make the drive to see?  What about starting a few new holiday traditions, including a few you can do with your son beginning on xmas afternoon?  I find that focusing forward on the future, how I want myself and my life to be, and then actively outlining and pursuing steps in that direction, is helping me a lot.

I know it's hard to motivate upward/forward/onward when your energy is sapped and you feel like you're in a funk.  That's why I suggested other friends and/or things you can do with your son.  Sometimes I find it helps me to get outside of my own head and draw on the energy and motivation I can derive from doing things with/for others.

For us in Europe, we're not in holidays yet, but I am already looking to next year. I have a mental line drawn. This year was the separation, the divorce, the processing. Next year - a line in the sand. A fresh start. I know it's never quite so linear, but I think just enduring this and looking forward is as good a strategy as any for some of us.

It's a good opportunity for changes and a new start. Im working really hard on this now. Next year, I dont want to be focused on him and the BPD. I want to be clear to focus on me.

For me, this is the second holiday season in a row of me dealing with the aftermath of my exUBPDgf leaving me. Last year was awful. This year, words seize my tongue. There are days I wish I could just run away from all of this. Literally just run.