BPDFamily.com

We are commited Christians and love our Son and daughter-in-law very much.Our daughter-n-law has always had some unusual traits.From early days before marriage there were times that her selfishness and controlling behavior caused us all to be afraid to cross her.  She has accused our daughter (when she(our daughter-in-law) was dating our son in college) of having an itimate relationship with our son (her then boyfriend) . Then after their marriage she often would accuse different ones of the girls (we have 4 married children) that they were not behaving in a way she preceived as mature... often some thing to do with their motives for doing or saying something... as if she was judging them to be imperfect and trying to fix them.  She has by her impossible expectations on our son... .at first that he be there all the time(impossible for a highway patrolman of under a year at that time) and as time progressed that he was not the man she married as he would not have time to go on romantic alone dates (they by then had a baby)... that no other married couples went for a long time with out dates and time alone away from the baby.

She has had to spend a lot  of time with the baby who is now almost 3 ... .I know that is stressful as I had 4 children like stair steps but she seems to think that it should be like a 9-5 job and she should have days off of which he is to come and take over... .because the shifts he was on were varied if you know about law enforcement made an impossible situation worse... Even if he had been all night on patrol he was to come and take over child care .As time went by he developed an anger and rather that take it out on her and the baby he would just work more hours... .when he came home he could literlly do nothing right. She  would criticize every helpful thing he would do to try to help her ,even though she said she had to do all the chores, every romantic jesture would be met with ridicule, and at last she claimed she saw him kiss their daughter on the mouth... .they had agreed not to do that ... .then as recently as a week ago she was claiming that he was in a relationship with his co-workers at least two of them ... .with pictures... .which she later denied she had and that when he goes to give out 3-day notices in the apartment complex (curtesy officer for complex) that he is really going to meet his lover... .Our son has denied all except the anger... he has tried to repair things but the more he tries the more she refuses for him to ... .she says he must repent of these things and that until he does she will not be well... .she contantly tells me that I am not acknowledging his faults and plays mind games with me when I try to find out how to help...

We have prayed much and looked for help... .we believe that our Heavenly Father wants us to try to help them... but we are misified as to how ... .we think that there was some real or preceived abuse of some sort at home with her father... .but her parents are not willing to clarify as they are withdrawn and a little disfunctional in responding to close relationships... .also she developed epilepsy as a child and their daughter also has epilepsy ... they are both on medication... .As my husband and I browsed your site we came to realize the similarity of the symptoms.  We are currently in a sort of stand off.  She is claiming that our son is at fault for neglecting her in every way possible.  She has texted and emailed all kinds of awful things about him and called him a monster... .he is a highway patrolman and has some anger mangement issues that he works on... .at the point they are at- her symptoms and his anger combined with the stressful job of a highway patrolman have the arguing most of the time... .he walks out and she has at least once physically attacked him to try to make him stay and receive her abusive words and  demands she has become somewhat depressive in mood but you when you try to help she presents a confusing mix of yes I am wrong in my actions but it is his fault... if he would repent, confess I would be better... .as I said she has accused him of adultery and being improperly intimate with their daughter and that because of that she now has no one to help care for their daughter so when he is there he is now not allowed to put her to bed of be alone with his daughter at all... that he is constantly trying to get alone with the child and is testing her mother to see if she will protect the daughter from him... .

she has constantly refused to find someone to help... .we have kept our grandaughter for her several times and though we live at a 3 hour distance from them have come to help when they were fighting... .in both types of help things seemed good for a while then we were back to the accusations and condemnations... .my husband is now driving there each Sat... so that our son can have a sounding board and I kept an email communication to allow her the same... .Our son knows that his anger has caused some of the trouble but he is our of answers ... .she says you are not the man I married , you are a monster... .and yet she complains that she has not been on a date with him since February or had any time "off" from the baby since February... .Their anniversary was in July and our son planned a romantic get away to a special place she had wanted to go to but she complained that he was unresponsive and not attentive to her the whole time... .in September we planned a special date time for them and some of the other spouses and siblings watched our grand daughter while they had a date night... .

In October she went on a Scrapbooking retreat for the weekend and we watched the daughter... .she would not let her husband watch her... .she had to spend the night at our house... .he could be with her is we were there... .then in November another of the siblings and spouse watched our grand daughter while they had the night and the next day to them selves ... .she spent it in crying and accusing him of infidelity... .when they came to pick up the little one we spent 3 hours trying to make sense of the "if you would just confess ie repent to this affair then every thing would be fixed and we would not have anymore problems... .because he cannot confess to something he did not do... we made a plan that he would let her know using his phone gps and check in with her and she can call him and even go check on him at anytime ... as he has nothing to hide... .he feels as he is going insane as he has no way to fix things that he did not do and when he tries to fix the things he can she will not accept his efforts... .she had an mri scheduled and canceled it saying they could not afford it ... .they have health benefits... .and we gave them the money as well... .the neurologist wanted to have an eeg and mri as she is new to him (they moved from the north of the state to the south)so he could have a base line for prescribing her medicine... she began to have some seizure symptoms on her current dosage so he wanted to adjust the meds... .the did up the dosage as a stop gap which caused her not to be able to drive which she blamed on her husband and is refusing to go get the mri or eeg ( ambulatory) I am sorry this post is so long I may be rambling some... there are so many parts to this trouble... .and we are confused and unsure what is best to do to help if we can... out son loves his wife and realizes that his anger did not help and overtime hours to provide better opportunities (she wants more ability to get clothes, ballet classes etc... .she shops at thrift store to save money then buys expensive items "on sale" things)

she complains of his work to get more and that he does not use money wisely... bought a better care for her safety and she derided him that it was a foolish waste of money... .he showed her all the financial records and what the expenditures are- how if you want more things you must work more and she dismissed it as him leaving her to do all the work at home.I don't know if their is a christian  on your staff or not who might understand our prospective -- we know that Our Heavenly Father is able to do all things and that he sometimes uses the expertise of other to help us to help the hurting... .thank you for listening... .I am reading the information on the site and trying to take it all in... .we have not tried to suggest any diagnosis as she takes things you say and bends them to make you at fault... at this time we are the ones who need fixing ... .I think she if afraid of losing us but is some how doing these things to see if we will leave for any reason... .like a child... .this is what made us search for a place like this... .

Hello christian52  *welcome*

I'm sorry you've been going through all of this with your DIL. Your circumstances are painful ones and we all understand what you are going through here, the behaviors you speak of sound familiar.    Many here are Christians as well.

There are specific communication skills necessary to improve your relationship with your DIL that we can share, along with learning to implement boundaries for yourself with her. A person with BPD does not view the world in the same way that you may. That said, I'd like to get you started with some valuable information that may be helpful to you and your son right away.

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder? (https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2010/09/video-what-is-borderline-personality.html)

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD  (https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2010/09/video-tools-to-reduce-conflict-with.html)

Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy)

Taking care of you is equally important. These relationships can be fraught with stress and conflict. How are you coping? How is your son coping? Have you or your son considered a therapist for additional support with what you are up against?

We are glad you have found us, you are in the right place. 

Thank you so much Suzn... we were beginning to think we we crazy... .unfortunately our son has compounded the problem with many of the mistakes nBPD do and has developed signficant anger issues... .they have been suffering throught this for at least as long as they have been married--5 years... .we did not see but had concerns and now think we have only small hope outside of God doing a miracle... .she has accused him of so many different impure and immoral things and now we are even beginning to think that under the pressures of his job and her suffering that he may have done some or all  of these things... we want to believe him ... .she says he is a good liar... .he wrote her a "true confessions list" so I think she may have gone off of it in feeling=fact and because she is so angry with him.it makes me heart sick but I want to try to help if I can

I have highlighted some of what you wrote, some is very concerning. Giving any energy to not being allowed alone with your child without setting boundaries around this may only cause it to grow. I find it interesting that your DIL wanted her H to watch their daughter and then when he didn't it changed to not being allowed alone with her. Bending over backwards to accommodate the feelings=facts is not healthy for either of them. This behavior is common.

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG” (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)

Your support is commendable, your son is lucky to have you. Being supportive without enabling will be key. This workshop may be helpful for you and him to work on setting boundaries. BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries)  

Would your son be agreeable to looking into a therapist for support with what he's been up against? This may provide some relief and some very helpful insight to what he is dealing with.

Christian,

I am so sorry about what you're having to deal with.  My SIL shares some similarities re: the kids.  My parents are elderly - in their 80s.  She's barely in her 30s and is physically very strong.  She likes to visit my parents, but has expressed some outrageous self-centered demands on them.  With her first child she would visit my parents and demand that as grandparents they should change her baby's diaper when she visits.  Both she and my brother used to come over and take naps, and if my parents didn't keep her unruly kids quite enough for her she would get upset at my mom.  (That always sounds crazy when I say it out loud.)  I think I saw her change her first diaper a year ago, but for years I only ever saw her pass the babies off to my brother. I think she puts a lot of demands on my brother, but fortunate for her my brother works at home.  I can't imagine what their life would be like if my brother ever had to get a job outside of the home. 

My SIL and my family are all Christian.  In some ways I think that helps.  She has some moral frame work.  And I believe that she tries to do right.  But at the same time, I've seen that some Christian concepts like "do unto others" just doesn't mean the same to her as it does to others.  Her backwards narcissistic way of interpreting the word influences her religious thinking more than her religious thinking influences her Narcissism. 

Have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells?  It talks about a way of interacting with a person with BPD, by reflecting back what they say.  I read it years ago, but the description of how to interact didnt' really make much sense.  But then a different brother (not the one married to her) started using the method of "reflective listening" with her.   So if she makes a crazy accusation.  Rather than respond back emotionally, defensively, or try to convince her that facts are very diferent from what she believes, you just repeat what she's saying.  "So what I'm hearing is that you think... ."  You don't have to agree with what she's saying, just repeat that you hear what she's saying.  This is not easy.  She's accusatory and demanding with everyone.  But her emotions are more important to her than facts.  It really does seem to be the only thing that really calms her down. 

Again, I'm really sorry you're all having to deal with this.  It must be very painful for you on so many levels, with how it affects you, your son and your grandchild. 

Again thank you for being there... .I found out today from our other dil( who has some experience with disorders... .she has some history... .she went through a program called Teen Challenge and had had to take medications in the past... .lithim... .she is an extreme blessing and support to us and a source of encouragement)... .she suggested that I take some time for the next couple of days and explain that I need a little quiet time to think and pray... .(we have been dealing with this for some time... but I have noticed some depressive symptoms in myself in the last few weeks... as the symptoms seem to have escalated ... each time he has to be on call or on duty she sends us the toxic texts and emails... .most do not know but we have privately explained to others (siblings and spouses who are close to the situation about the possibility of the mental issues... .) I would say just matter of factly that I am not ignoring her(BPD) but my response will be limited  as I just need a little space .  She(our other dil) also said that the medication that our dil(the ndBPD) takes  is called lamictal and that the doctor (current) had  upped the dosage recently as she had had some auras and nausea (she is epileptic as well) and that some of the underlying symptoms escalating may be related to either or both of  these. things.  I appreciate the thoughts especially the ones on enabling... .I had thought about that ... we need to encourage him to seek more available help ... .my husband has had two times of talking with him... she was not present but knew about it... .our dil (not the BPD) said that is worsening the situation... because the BPD would consider that because we are his parents and she does not hear us addressing his inappropriate  behavior and actions (at least the ones he has confessed to) then she thinks we are coddling him and there for she continues to accuse us of not believing her but believing him about his fault in the trouble... .or not trying to get things corrected... .are we also enabling her in being in the middle... .? the BPD is heading into a time when her husband has to be gone for training in another town for a week ... he usually keeps in touch buy picture phone and calls... .but this time will be a challenge because of the current state of mind... .our dil(not BPD) is going to visit her(BPD) for part of the week to do some Christmas crafts as they both like to do crafts.  We are a close family and have been working on "walking on eggshells" and in the fog though some had been more aware of the issues for some time but did not know what to do ... .Thank you again soo much