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The dyregulation has started already. Moody, angry, sulking, silent treatment. I'm Reading the lessons over and over. That helps so much. Hang in there everyone and wish me luck.

Hi Marcie

If you find yourself needing help navigating some of the rough waters, we're here to lend you a hand

Happy holidays to you and yours!

He mainly just sulked all day, then before bed he apologized for being blah. Then he said he was having a hard time because he's always had good holidays, but ever since 2011 when he got divorced from his ex-wife everything changed. I at first felt very hurt by this comment. Then I talked myself out of taking it personal and accepted this is HIS current perception/reality not mine. I had a good time with my family it all went very smooth.

Hi!

I'm glad you were able to enjoy your holiday, as did I, despite... .

Due to my uBPD fiancé's lack of ability to be there totally when I need him...

I had to stay up practically around the clock to tend to our baby,.cook and clean the house. (all things he'd normally contribute too but he did grocery shop)

Due to my "play brother" (who has been in my life for 20+ years), coming over to see US(b/c he has accepted my fiancé as a brother) .

I got a death threat, me and everyone in the house, a threat to not come back home and told to lose his number, like we started dating last week, and a whole host of other accusatory and rude statements.

Due to my expression of being tired(when he asked what's wrong) when I jumped up at 7am after dozing by accident @5, he took his time to tell me how lazy I am, and that I don't do anything, why am I so tired, I've been complaining all morning.

All to return home, with flowers and carrying on a great conversation with my play brother for the remainder of his time here. And also helping with a few last min things before guests arrived. He came around to me a short while after. No apology, just another request to "see his side", then showering me with kisses, hugs, and compliments on looks and dinner.


I am so drained. But I did have a great time, despite it all. let's get ready for Christmas, NY.

:)

I know how you feel Marcie, I thought when i first met my husband he loved holidays like I did, then I found out after we semi-retired early that it was all for his daughter who was 12 when we met.

For a bunch of years he would sulk, like you said, be depressed, moody, say he wanted to die... .etc unless she was visiting or we saw her.  All of our kids live out of state, we moved to retire to a cheaper area.

There is a bit of hope, during calm times I have tried to tell him how much the holiday means to me even if we are alone and a few years ago he set up village and railroad around tree all on his own and I eeked and was jumping up and down so much he has done it since. 

But its still a crap shoot, this past week has gone from good, to horrible to okay again.  Only thing that kept him above water yesterday was we are busy pet sitting for friends for 5 days and taking dog on lots of walks.

But I am far from perfect, you can only stay calm for so long, the other day after days of surliness, I said well your usual holiday moods are coming again I see... .I know sarcastic and not good but its hard to stay emotionally strong all the time.

So my advice is do whatever you can to distract and keep him busy.  I have found fun movies either at home or theater, walks, going out for happy hour (so long as we don't drink too much) all help.

Hi Scattered,

My experience is that BPDs don't do well with empathy (for example you are having to work really hard and are very tired translates into = you are not giving them enough attention).  Also sounds like he wasn't keen on sharing you with your 'brother'.  I really don't like the "death threat" that could be frightening.  Sounds like you did a pretty good job of 'carrying on' despite your boyfriend's behavior.

Do you have to carry the load of the house all the time or was this just a special holiday occurrence?

Yes, the holidays can certainly bring on a special kind of dysregulation. It is a vicious cycle. I was glad to read that you realized not to take the thing with the ex personally. That is one of the best lessons we can learn, it has nothing to do with us and everything to do with them. The lessons and this board are the best things you can do for yourself. I have heard the "lose my number" before... .oh how that brought back memories (of course they are memories that I would love to forget)! I can not tell you the importance of the lessons. We are here with you and for you... .and for them 

Hi allibaba,

Thanks for responding. I see that when I REALLY need him, he's unavailable. But it just adds to the confusion  because I don't take on the household stuff normally.

He usually grocery shops, surface cleans daily, does dishes etc. I used to think it was so amazing because he would say he was doing it to take the load off of me,, but now I see it as control, and to add to his score sheet so he can rattle off the things he does.

The death threat is a mind-blower, and the act of acting like it never happened and expecting me to as well, is even moreso.