BPDFamily.com

The holidays always were my most favorite time of year, but now I have just come to wish I could live in a cave until they are done.  And I really miss the part of me that loved the holiday season.

For Thanksgiving yesterday, we had dinner with my dBPDw's family, then went to have dessert with my father and aunt.  I thought both were a really nice time.  Of course, I would be grossly mistaken about that.

So apparently, my father called my wife a "retard", and I didn't do anything to stand up for her about it AND it was a means for my dad to also hurt my wife's parents, who both drive buses for special needs children. 

What actually happened is that we were discussing movies and my wife and dad both mentioned not having seen a number of classic ones, and my Dad said, (quite ignorantly I admit) "I'm such a retard when it comes to movies."  Now in NO way do I think it is appropriate to use that word in that way. 

HOWEVER, what my wife heard was "You are a retard" and it's been nothing but misery for me since the car ride home.  She wants me to admit he called her this word to hurt her and her parents and will NOT let up about it. 

I have been validating her feelings and telling her how rude and ignorant it was that he said what he said, but I just cannot and will not admit he called her a name, because he didn't.  I do not drink alcohol and didn't have any yesterday, so it is not like I am not remembering something correctly due to that being a factor. 

I really am stuck for how to get past this, because she will not stop pressuring me to admit something that didn't happen and I really don't want to enable the "poor you everybody is mean to you" attitude because I feel that doesn't help anything either. 

Help!  Any ideas/suggestions on how to handle this?  I am confident this will carry through Christmas and New Years if I don't find a way to defuse it soon.

That is one of the hardest things for me is when my husband BPD wants me to agree with him on something I 100% disagree!  I try like you to validate feelings but he has caught on and that isn't good enough, I have to agree or I am not on his side or his ally.

I went through a time where I almost hated my husband for what I thought was him ruining my holidays because I loved them and after we moved here 8 yrs ago, 2 states away from kids and on years we don't see them at holidays he gets depressed, moody, etc.

Then a few years ago I realized I was letting him decide how I would feel, I was giving him power over me. I decided no matter what he did or didn't do I was going to try to do everything to make myself happy. I decorated like I wanted to, I got together with friends.  I made sure that we always had movies or something to do on the holidays so we weren't just here alone giving him time to be depressed.

You can't control how she will misunderstand things people say at family gatherings, but you can plan to enjoy yourself and make sure she takes part in deciding where to go on the holidays.  I use to worry about my husbands behavior when we went out, and I finally had to realize I have no control what he says or does and I can choose to stay home or just hope for the best and deal with it.

Its not a easy life living with someone who has BPD but I can say now that I finally know what he has since last May I am in much better control of my reactions to him.  I use to take everything personal and I don't anymore.

I agree with nodoover. When I found out what my BPDbf had and started to understand it through a TON of reading and posting here and going over the lessons, it is so much easier for me. And honestly, even he is so much better now that I am not doing things that make things worse. I also used to take everything personally. I used to call my best friend all the time in tears and I am sure she thought I was absolutely crazy. He does not upset me like that anymore. I get frustrated of course but I take the time to really listen with my ears and with my heart to understand what he is communicating to me and it is so much easier. I can't say enough about the importance of the lessons, the recommended books and the support here.

Do not react. She knows well that your father didn't mean that. It's all GAMES and she is testing you how much you stand up for her. Even though, if you validate her and stand up for her, she would think it must be something wrong with you!