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Title: Pride our relationship? Post by: Jox on December 01, 2013, 09:00:38 AM Hi all,
it has been so, so, so hard... . 0. Living with borderline for 12 years became an "entity" in my subconsciousness: 1. It feels as if I have another masters degree or phd? 2. I feel superior than normal couples: " if you even knew what I have been through" I think to myself, especially when normal couples praise their long relationship as achievement. 3. I feel I am an unauthorized, unacknowledged therapist who has to take care of him and myself of something that there is not even a clear solution nor ending point. 4. It clashes with my self image, it happened. My previous relationships were not this way, I am a gay man, and became "conservative christian woman in the '50's USA" (which is not even my culture at all). 5. Yet when I see a single person, I think to myself: you are selfish and egotistical: you have to work on yourself to become Mother Theresa, then find a sick person a make a couple. 6. Sometimes I see a couple as a sickness, if the couple is not working on "self improvement" ( I purposely made it so vague) I am fighting these feelings and trying to take it as if there is no value to all and not rise PRIDE and ARROGANCE, and I have a hope that it will all end as some king of love story, and that I will forget it all ( actually, I do forget, as it is getting better, I quickly forget the bad times). what you folks think? Jox Title: Re: Pride our relationship? Post by: waverider on December 01, 2013, 10:28:59 PM I know it sounds harsh reading those words, and I know where it is comming from.
I have been through this too. It is a stage i think born out of lingering resentment that you feel like you have had to put in all this extra effort, and its still not perfect. Yet those who seem to have an "easy" life in your eyes seem to complain about stuff that seems trivial in comparison to yourself. I moved on from this when I developed true Acceptance, I am not a martyr, this was my choice., I am not 'entitled' to a gold star for effort. Many people are going through harder stuff than me, but it is not visible. Just as others do not see the depth of my issues I may not see the depths of theirs. At the end of the day we are not special, we have just been forced by circumstances to learn more about human nature that we would have otherwise glossed over. I am endevouring to be a better me and that should not be benchmarked against anyone else, otherwise that actually makes me a lesser person, as that in itself is a personality flaw. If you feel this then maybe that is an area you need to work on. Focusing on you rather than your partners need. Still |iiii for putting in all the hard work, it is a long journey and there is always something else to apply your efforts on. |