BPDFamily.com

So I've been reading on here for about a month or two.  I have caught my wife in two texting relationships.  I have sent the boundaries, she broke the boundaries, and it's caused a great amount of anguish amongst both me and my kids to the point where I'm now on medication.  Up until two weeks ago, she was seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor more to appease me than an actual interest in getting help. 

I went away to work while she had the day off.  I tried calling her all afternoon and couldn't get in touch.  I sent over my mother-in-law to check on her.  She took Vicodin with beer, left a suicide note, then took a bottle of ambien.  The note she left to me was horrible, told me to rot in hell, etc.  By the time I got home she was completely out of hit, trouble standing, puking, having a bad time.  I called an ambulance and she was committed that same day. 

When she got to the psych unit she tried playing the tough roll.  After three days, the psychiatrist on the ward told her they would hold her as long as they needed to until she started going with the program.  She finally started cooperating and was out after a week.  She has since returned to work.  I'm cautiously optimistic.  She claims no memory of what happened, though I continue to hold her accountable regardless of what she remembers.  She got her medications switched around and seems to be more committed than before to get help.  We will be attending our first support group meeting tomorrow night and will start marriage counseling on Friday night. 

All throughout this whole mess I have kept on the same theme.  I told her that I love her, I forgive her for the things she has done to me, and I will support her through whatever treatment she needs even if she wants a divorce.  I will tell you right now, a divorce would be far easier and less stressful.  But I married her because I do love her, and I am committed to helping her.   I told her doctor with her present that this is an illness which she did not choose.  I would not divorce her if she was diagnosed with cancer as that would be wrong, as wrong as it is to divorce her for BPD. 

She has started calling me and texting me more than she did in the past.  I also recognize that she seeks to start arguments and fights so I've began shutting them down before they even start.  I just keep the same tone of voice and tell her whatever the issue is that it needs to wait for the counselor and I am not going to argue with her no matter how hard she tries to provoke me.  I think by taking that angle she seems to recognize it a little more that she does in fact have a problem.  While she won't admit to remembering her suicide attempt, she is finally acknowledging that she has a problem.  I also read her several of the suggested books at night after the kids are asleep, to help her sleep. 

I don't think there is one particular way to respond that is right or wrong, but I think the more angles that are shared here, everyone can pick and choose what would best work for their own situation.  In the meantime, I got rid of all the alcohol in the house and she has agreed.  She never had an issue with alcohol but not having it in the house removes that as a potential future problem.  I also got rid of all of her old medications so she can't self-medicate and try to diagnose her.  I also got rid of all the guns which was painful for me as I love to target shoot, but I think she sees that as a sign of how dedicated I am to making it work.   We also started attending church every week and she is to the point where she is now asking to go.   

I will post any updates as they happen. 

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Sounds like you are doing everything right. I really wish you the best.

P.S. I have now read your post on the "Continued Contact" thread and I have to say that I agree less with the methods you describe there. Even if you pay for your spouse's cell phone, I don't believe it is defensible to go in and change their outgoing numbers, so that they think they are texting a third party when they are actually texting you. That kind of deceit doesn't lead to good outcomes. Also the habit of contacting and threatening those whom she is contacting, as you deem, in an inappropriate way, seems controlling to me. It is understandable that you would wish to nip these relationships in the bud and that you feel that she is not in her right mind and so you must do it for her. However, she is still an adult and you probably should not intervene to the extent that you describe on that other thread. Not only is it damaging to her sense of autonomy and to the trust between the two of you, it could also be used against you if she does file for divorce some day.

Piggy, my heart goes out to you.  i hear your dedication to your wife/marriage but at what cost?  when one has to go on medication to stay in a r/s, one probably needs to take a closer look at what's going on.


Piggy, i know how horrifying that was for me and i can only imagine how much so for you.  Sympathies.


every human dissociates.  when you  drive your car a stretch with no recall, like "huh, i was singing a song and now i'm here but i dont remember driving the last 2 miles", that's dissociation.  pwBPD have it to a higher degree when they're stressed.  one is, presumably, in order to attempt suicide, extremely stressed.  it's actually possible that she has no memory whatsoever of that experience.  if that's the case, and it likely is, can that person truly be held accountable?


that sounds so loving and reasonable.  and in a r/s with 'normal' folks, would be very appropriate.  but i wonder, since a pwBPD is emotionally like a 3-5 yr old, can we really let them be the driver's seat in a r/s.  especially when there is such acting out/depression/suicide attempts/etc at play.

my mother tried to kill herself.  twice. i found her both times.  i cannot over stress what kind of effect that can have on children.  way worse that divorce.  please make sure your children are protected from her acting out in such terribly detrimental ways, terrible for everyone in the family.


i just love love love everything in that paragraph.  what everybody needs, but especially a pwBPD, is a partner who is differentiated like that.  i applaud you.


good for you.  i think that's just SOP (or should be) whenever someone in the house has attempted suicide/is suicidal/has suicidal ideations/or is depressed or even just out of control anger.

wishing you well on your journey,

icu2