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Yesterday my son had a Wrestling Match.  I missed his first two matches due to my dBPDgf not wanting me to spend time away from her.  So I said ok but I am going to some of his matches.  I went last night and had fun watching him.  The problem all starts because the match wasn’t over until 10pm.  I had been texting her the whole time and apologized for being late because I didn’t think it was going to go that late.  SHE never once answered me which clued me in that she was mad. I get home and the only thing said was “really this late…and you came in like a bunch of elephants.”  We didn’t turn the TV and ate our supper whispering.  My son accidently dropped something and that was it.  When I went into our room she was asleep.  I sometimes feel like all she wants to do is fuss and find something wrong with my Son.  

Fast fwd to this morning.  She didn’t say a word to me at all.  I hugged her and told her I hope she has a good day at work and hugged her daughter and said the same to her.  While dropping my son off at school she texts me that he left incense burning in his room and she’s tired of him burning candles as well.  She stated that the incense could burn down the house.  She never shows any support at all when he accomplishes anything.  But boy if she thinks he has done wrong that’s a different story.  Meanwhile her child, whom I love as my own, can do no wrong.  Anyways I was already upset because she was mad because I was out late supporting my son so I started arguing back with her this morning.  I know I shouldn’t have but I was feeling very protective of Cameron and hurt because I am there for everything her daughter does at school.  I even take time off from work to be there at times.  Granted her daughter is only 6 and my son is 16.

I know she has abandonment issues and I try my best to reassure her that’s not what I am doing.  But she says I’m never home.  I am home all the time.  In fact I sometimes am in more contact with her daughter than my son because she doesn’t want me going anywhere.  But this isn’t fair to my son and I’ve expressed that feeling.

I thought everything was going well.  I have been reading everything on this site and using it.  We have had a few little bumps but nothing too bad.  I find myself second guessing now.  She is back to giving me ultimatums.  I am really worn out from all of this.    What can I do to improve the situation?  I’m at my wits end...

Major issues here are you are walking on eggshells and using JADE.

You need  boundaries to establish your rights. You are entitled to go to all your sons matches without having to make excuses. By bending and tiptoeing around the place you are teaching your son that it is OK to live that way.

The more you give in the more she will demand. That is because it is not about the issue at hand it is about exerting control over you. It is the Black Hole of neediness, you will not fill it by constantly bending.

To reverse this you will need boundaries and it will cause conflict. But you are going to be living with conflict anyway as it is, but without a just cause to stand up for.

Live life by choice, not by default or what seems the line of least resistance.

Enjoy your time with your son, he will be gone soon, so dont waste it

Read Lesson no 5: Finding inner strength and hope on the right>>

I have stood my ground with going to watch my boy at his wrestling match.  She expected me to apologize for going and I didn't.  Now she has gave me and ultimatum (yesterday) and has not talked to me since then.  I told her to have a good day at work and not a word or even look in my direction.  She has even thrown my pillow outside our bedroom door for the last two nights as well.  I just ignore that pick them up and go to bed.  I know she is expecting me to come crawling and saying I'm sorry.  But I am NOT.  Not this time or in the future will I apologize for supporting my son. I don't get the chance to make to every match due to work schedule and some of them are a couple hours away.  So I will not be made to feel guilty for watching him. 

I know she gets like this around the holidays so I am trying not to take it to heart.  Sometimes though it's hard to do.  But if things don't start changing it's not fair to keep my son in this environment or me for that matter.

:'(  :'(  :'(  :'(