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Even though I am the one who ended the r/s with my ex BPDgf, I am feeling like I'm the only one of the two of us who is truly hurting.  We ended things a few weeks ago, and I went Nc.  She fired a bunch of  roller coaster email and text messages at me, but nothing since late last week.  This is a relief.  Now I'm left feeling used, spit out, and discarded.   Even when she would occasionally apologize, it was still mostly about her.  She was sorry I couldn't trust her more, sorry I wasn't ready for the type of relationship she wanted, etc.  What the heck?

I feel like she's done and has moved on, while I'm left actually trying to process what happened, kindof like she was a tornado or hurricane who entered my life, disrupted everything, and then moved on.

Anyone else feel like this?  What helped you regain your equilibrium, pick up the pieces, and move forward?

Congratulations on the wisdom to go NC, redkong - just sticking with that is probably one of the best initial steps you can take towards recovery. And your analogy to a tornado or hurricane is spot on IMO. What's even more helpful is realizing that just like pondering why a natural disaster flattened your home, it's equally as unproductive to think too much about why your exBPD did what she did. It's simply in their nature.

As someone who failed to take the best advice given to me on these boards, please allow me to be a prime example of what NOT to do lol. I can say from experience that not forcing yourself to keep active will only prolong the emotional pain you're feeling right now. Get out there, start living well, stay busy, and be good to yourself. Forward movement can only be accomplished when you're in motion - both physically and mentally.

If you have questions, come back here, read the great library of reference material, ask questions, read others' posts - but don't linger so much that you become inert.

I'm rather in the same boat myself, used, discarded, pretty certain replaced.  I got the silent treatment for actually coming right out and expressing some feelings I'd been keeping to myself for several months.  Of course, the xBPD never asks questions in regard to why someone feels the way they do, that takes emotional maturity, IMO.  It was such a small thing, but a very large thing at the same time that finally broke my camels back.  I certainly feel like I was rolled over by a tornado... .a tornado who blew in, and created chaos in my life and has zero remorse, again, remorse is something mature folks feel.  I ended the so-called friendship in my mind, but I could venture to say that she probably thinks she ended the quasi friendship, unship, whatever you want to call it.  Three years ago I came here and learned all I could, it wasn't enough.   I definitely own my part of the dysfunction, trying to forgive myself is difficult but will come with time. Gaining my own equilibrium by putting one foot in front of the other, cleaning house, figuratively and literally.

There will be no recycle attempts, this feels final.  Indifference is an ok place to be.

CiF

Yours was a human tornado. I feel like i let a force of nature, a hurricane, within my garden.

Thanks to all for your replies.  It's hard to feel so easily discarded and replaced.   I will do some work to not let this compromise my self-worth, and will set my sights on the future, the horizon.  Supposedly this helps with sea sickness;  maybe it also helps one recover from a roller coaster or tornado.

Hey redkong, Well, BPD is like a tsunami, leaving devastation in its wake.  I considered myself to have a stronger foundation than most, and maybe I did, but little remains after a tidal wave hits.  So pick yourself up and move forward.  You'll never figure out exactly why things went wrong, because a pwBPD has a personality disorder that by definition involves irrational thinking.  The focus should be on you at this point: what you've learned about yourself and why you got into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place.  Your Ex will probably try to contact you, so beware and try to avoid getting hit by another wave.  Lucky Jim  

What helped you regain your equilibrium, pick up the pieces, and move forward?

Time.

I got my sht together and I'm a nice guy, if I do say so myself, but the person I was intimate with, spoke with more than anyone at the time, shared the deepest things, has a serious mental illness.  Just that fact is What the heck sobering to begin with, but there was no way for me to see the forest for the trees when I was in it, too much abuse, too many attacks, always shell shocked, and it took a while to shake all that off and remember who I am.  I liken it to cleaning out septic tanks for a living and falling in one; it takes more than a few showers to get that sht off.

But let's assume that the emotional involvement for each person in any relationship is the same.  When that relationship ends, there's healing to do both ways, or projection, blaming the other person, which you can relate to, or repression, both ways to avoid healing, attractive because healing is the hard way.  It takes what it takes to heal, and I claim those of us here doing the work are healing.  There's no way to get over long, significant relationships quickly, and I know mine at least would bounce from relationship to relationship never stopping long enough to process anything, and then during those quiet times she'd get a memory, it would surface as rage, and the new suitor would have his first of many What the heck moments.  You didn't mention if yours has a replacement, but the barrage of emails was an extinction burst, she might get the hint now, but repression is more likely than moving on this quickly.

Sounds like many of us have felt the same - a storm blows through our lives, perhaps several times, and then leaves debris in the wake of everything.  It sucks to be the one left behind to pick up the pieces while the storm moves on. 

Consider this: It sucks more being the storm. Forever whirling in aimless turmoil and destruction. Forever moving on. Forever starting over. Forever dissipating into... .a new storm, forever... .forever.

Actually, I got a small jolt of pleasure thinking of him having to live with his own complete f^cked-up-ness ... .why should he get peace after what he has done?

RedKong ... welcome to the other side of the Matrix - just think of yourself as Neo when he first woke up, trying to regain muscle mass and recognise that he had been asleep all that time ... .so ... the red pill or blue pill my friend? ... your choice.

I did consider it, it was this concept, they're injured small children,  that kept me going, the very idea that kept me stuck in this toxic relationship, I hurt myself, allowed this person to hurt one of my dear children, and completely destroy any trust I may have been trying to hold onto.  Thinking that I'd make a difference if I could keep understanding, keep educating myself, well? I'm sorry, but *&^% that! I come first now, it's not that I've lost compassion for her in ANY way, it's that I've got to have the same if not more compassion and love for myself.  I have to forgive myself for thinking I was strong enough, smart enough, loving enough to sustain anything hurled in my direction, and keep up this total facade of a "I don't even know what to call it kind of interaction with another human being".  I have to Let. It. Go.

Anger is good... .

CiF

Redkong

I know exactly how you feel. I think this is one of my biggest hang-ups... .why am I hurting so much, and she appears to not be. She has told me that she is hurting, but how can someone be hurting and yet immediately move on to the next victim.  This current break up is going on 2 months. And just like previous break ups, my initial reaction is a feeling of relief….but it seems as time goes on I start thinking about what she is doing, and with whom. And obviously watching social media does not help, as she seems to post things just to hurt me. Therefore, I do not subscribe to any social media she is involved in. We are still friends on FB, but I do not subscribe to her news feed; therefore, I do not see what she posts. The only way for me to see is to go to her page, which I do not. This really gets under her skin, because she thinks I can see what she posts….and since I don’t, I have no reaction…giving her the feeling that I don’t care anymore.

However, she will still text and call me. I believe her motive here is to keep me in her rolodex of “friends” for later. She is adamant about us remaining “friends”, but I think her motive there is pretty clear. Why she does this, when she knows I am hurting, is downright mean.  She is aware she has ripped my heart out, but why keep doing it?

Do I believe she is hurting as she says she is? No. NC is the way to go, if you let them know you still care or show them any attention, it only empowers them more…lets them back in control. Just remember this:

The Prize is not worth the Price!

Stay Strong, regain the power and control