BPDFamily.com

I've been told by my uBPDexgf I'm living in the past when I bring up things she has done to me, namely:

Calling my son an f'ing loser,

Calling Me countless vulgar names I won't repeat,

Hitting me multiple times, even bringing blood,

Spitting in my face multiple times,

Breaking property in my house,

Belittling me, etc, etc, etc

But when I bring these things up, I'm living in the past... .she says I apologized for these things, and you should let them go. I only said or did these things when you made me mad.

We've been apart on this breakup for 2 months, and she still wants to be friends. Unbelievable!

It's like they want a free pass to do whatever, and we should accept that... .

Exactly

They never want to be held accountable for anything, but if you do or say anything to take up for yourself, then they're the victim all of a sudden and you're a terrible person.

Santa

Yes, I'm a terrible person... .but we're still friends, I'm the best friend you'll ever have. Right!

But... .can't bring up the past, no, can't. She can though... .

LOL

My crazy says she wants to be friends for our daughter's sake, but every time she calls, she just yells at me and tells me how much she hates me. LOL. Great friend there. Also, this wonderful friend of mine took off with our daughter because she said I was trying to take her baby... .even though I never did or said anything remotely close to that... .and her response was to take our daughter off to another state and now I haven't seen her in 4 months because she won't let me see her until I agree to a custody agreement... .even though I've already signed and mailed her 2 custody agreements that her lawyer sent me to sign and she just keeps changing her mind and not signing them. Great friend!

She informed me today that she wants to make a couple of changes to the latest custody agreement I signed, so the next one will be number 3. Lol

State... Dude,that has to be my ex. If it isn't then it's her clone. Seriously... I'm sorry we are going through this... I feel like I'm consoling myself! I'm sorry we put up with the total bull honky! I'm sorry that we didn't know how to walk away when she spit in our face and never looked back! Your post here might just be the one to bring a complete understanding of me and my own demons...

  I have never let a female treat me so poorly. Guess what? She is 100 percent correct! We ARE living too much in the past! WE need to make a NOW. A now that doesn't include one little teeny tiny particle of her. Our "ex" is really nothing of ours. She is hers, and hers only. She owns all of her abuse, lies, disordered thinking and mental illness.

My now begins right here. No longer is the past allowed to ruin my happiness. Thank you for posting this thread... Somehow or another it made a whole bunch of lights turn on for me.

Perfidy

Wow. I'm so glad I'm not the only one that feels this way. I'm sitting here thinking about a little revenge by texting her... .but ya know what... NO... .I won't. To me the best revenge is living my life right NOW... .I will not show her any attention. She sucked the life out of me for 2'years. No more!

I'm worth more than being her backup plan! I'm moving forward. Here is my new mantra:

THE PRICE ISN'T WORTH THE PRIZE!

My past is mine, I own it. If I choose to live in the past she created, then I will. It just serves as a reminder of how one person can take time away from your life, time that is way too precious and can't be given back.

Just imagine you're dealing with a child; children act just like that, yes?  So do emotionally stunted borderlines.

State I'm sick of being sick! I am so done. I have been no contact... Zero... For a LONG time... months. She has tried. I won't engage. Even at that I still have been screwed up by reflecting on the past and constant rumination. The only thing that makes it go away completely is a certain beautiful young girl... .This I know is only a bandaid. I am getting to where I might just be able to be with this certain young girl and have it not be a bandaid. How cool would that be?

What is it with the spitting?

You me Earth angel, countless others

Debasing someone you claim to love

Disgusting

&%$#?

I haven't been NC. I need to be obviously. But why contact me if you're with someone else, and probably while you're with him and your other x number of victims.

I think Foo Fighters kinda sum this crap up:

We're you born to resist or be abused,

Is someone getting the best, the best of you,

Are you gone and on to someone new,

You gave me something I didn't have, but had no use,

I was to weak to give in... .

Well... .I've had enough. After perfidy posted I went through my house and through out everything that b... ch gave me.

Recycled... .ya, spitting is the worse. I'm taking a stand!

You should definitely try no contact. It feels great. You'll be a million times happier by the second week.

I had a good stretch of no contact going, but with a kid, it's inevitable that I had to have some contact with her eventually. It makes my skin crawl and ruins my whole day any time I have to communicate with her.

Try no contact. You'll love it.

Santa

Heading to NC. I just don't understand why they can't leave you alone. Why? Isn't it enough that when in the r/s you destroyed that part of your life. I guess part of me wants to be non NC so I can see the next r/s go up in flames. I want to see it.

Just trust that it's inevitable and focus on yourself. You have nothing to gain from any contact with this person. They really are human garbage.

It's the "get over it" tactic of arguing... . 

However, it could be argued that bringing up these past hurts is a way to assess and assign blame for past transgressions during the relationship.

It sounds like she is avoiding taking full responsibility for her actions.

What was the context of bringing up all these things to her? Was it part of JADEing? Arguing for the sake of arguing? Some other negotiations?

Sounds pretty intense. My friend, you learn from the past to make the future better. Maybe you don't need to bring all of those things up... .but you should definitely protect your well being. It's like saying that an animal that defends itself from a predator shouldn't remember evasion tactics.

Yea... my ex refused responsibility as well.

For demeaning me, screaming at me in front of my children... .scaring the life out of me. Even smiled when he saw how frightened I was.

These people are not normal. They are disordered, and no one can make them see anything. The only thing we can do it stick to what we know is true.

And you KNOW what is true. It doesn't matter anymore what she thinks. It's about YOU now.

At some point it has to come to that. But what about compassion for them as well?

I"m not far enough along in my recovery to not let your response trigger me.

But I'm going to explain as logically as I can that this was about my survival. I almost killed myself because I could not handle the pain of separating from my husband.

I have two children, who would blame themselves for the rest of their lives if I had killed myself.

My ex husband needs to take care of himself now, and he has.

I am taking care of me and mine. This is MY life... .I no longer belong in that enmeshed fake bs that was supposed to be a marriage.

It's all FALSE.

Sorry for making you feel that way. I guess to me anger just leads to more anger. Anger may be useful to help us defend ourselves from future pain... .But maybe vigilance and acceptance that your Ex is F'd up and feeling not pity but understanding for him and his issues (and therefore a path to put space between him and you) would be more helpful than straight up anger.

And as far as your suicidal urges / ideation - there is so much left for you to enjoy in life. I am so happy to hear that you didn't take your life and I hope that you are no longer thinking of it.

What an interesting perspective, and how completely off base.

I was abused, threatened, screamed at and frightened for months.

Would you recommend that a woman abused by her husband forgive him?

Because he is ill?

And this will help me "heal"?

Dude... .grow up. He is not entitled to my forgiveness in any way, shape or form.

But I will remember your advice when dealing with a NORMAL person who is not an abuser or mentally ill.

I'm sorry you went through that, and good for you for leaving and taking care of you.

I absolutely hated by borderline ex, unbridled rage towards her, a natural response to being psychologically, emotionally and physically abused. With time, detachment and education I began to see her as a sick person and not a bad one, someone who invited me into her own personal hell and shared it with me, lucky me, and that felt better because yes, it is all about me now.

And then I discovered that deciding to consciously forgive her in my head also felt better; enveloping her in my love, which is stronger than her disorder, had the effect of containing and diminishing all of the caustic bullsht floating around my head, which is a good thing because she has no right to my focus or energy anymore, and yes it's all about me. Forgiveness is for us, not them, and it is effective.  Take care of you!

love4me... .I agree. I was asked to forgive my uBPDexgf for her actions, only to be the recipient of those actions again and again.

Yes I should probably let the past go, but it serves as a reminder of what I endured. And why should she be able to bring up the past, and not me? When she brought up the past it included nothing she did to me... .nothing, perhaps she was embarrassed or ashamed... .she said she was, but I don't buy it.

What Winston3 is saying is true….anger just leads to more anger.   Being angry never made me wanna smile, so…   Anyway, please don’t get wrapped up in those words “forgiveness” and “compassion”.  Two separate meanings and neither of which you are understandably ready for.  Your road to recovery is not gonna be easy unless you can find some way to at least attempt to put your horrible past behind you and btw you are the only one who can do that because your lovely pwBPD sure as hell ain’t gonna lend you a helping hand.  You’re not ready for forgiveness yet and that’s OK.  Hell, I’m not ready for it either.  So forget about forgiveness right now and try pity instead.  I know you’re thinking, “What’s this dude smoking?” but please bear with me.  We’re all here because some crazy, psycho !#&$* pwBPD nearly destroyed us and we just wanna heal and be done with it forever.  These lovely individuals have the emotional maturity of a 3 year old and without proper treatment they’ll never be able to control themselves…never.  To us, they’re going off on a psychotic rage but to them it’s just another day at the office.  Emotionally, they’re sitting in the back of the bus with a monkey in the driver’s seat.  It’s truly sad but once you see them in that light, you feel less anger and resentment and start to see them as “lost souls”, I suppose.  Love4meNOTu, I got so damn tired of being angry.  No BS, it was destroying me mentally and physically and I knew there had to be another way as forgiveness is was not an option (but I am getting closer to it).  So I replaced that anger with something else – pity.  I started to feel pity for her because she really can’t control her emotions like we Nons can.  You can’t pity someone and be angry at them at the same time.  Sure, pitying someone may sound like you’re portraying yourself as some kinda supreme being but at least you’re angry anymore.  I guess what I’m trying to say is simply replace that negative feeling (anger) with a less negative feeling(pity, disappointment, etc.).  I hope u start feeling better soon.

Well said baby spook. I don't think I'm at the stage to even feel sorry for her yet. Just when I get to feeling somewhat good about this, an image pops in my head from the past. Or if I know she is out I play an image in my head of what she is doing, and it consumes me. I can't stand that. She is renting space in my head and she knows it, knows it hurts, and continues to do what she can to stay there.

I'm tired of this crap, truly am. I'm not going to be part of a 4, 5, or whatever number sided triangle with her... .disgusting... .

I would recommend forgiveness. But it's a process, it's a decision.

I was married to a BPD for 34 years. I've just been able to put a name to it in the last 2 years. I've been separated for 10 months, not yet divorced.

I wake up every morning and make the decision to forgive, because forgiveness is not about what it does for him, it's about what not forgiving does to me.

I too was verbally abused, threatened, belittled, controlled. So were my kids.

I've chosen to forgive because it takes too much effort to hold him hostage. It takes up too much real estate in my brain. It keeps me angry when all I've ever desired was peace, within and without.

Did I come yo this conclusion overnight? Absolutely not! And the anger served me well at first. It got me past those first few months where he was constantly trying to convince me that he's changed. He has not changed, but my anger fueled my knowledge of this truth, and gave me the strength to keep him away.

So be patient with yourself, know that anger has its purpose, but to not move past it also has its price.

Once I was able to forgive, I was able to turn around and face the light. The light that is my new peace, inside and out.

You guys, I really appreciate your input but please... .

I have tried very very hard to get to the anger stage. I have been stuck in sad for months and months, and was clinically depressed.

I have been angry for two days. Two whole days.

Please let me stay here for awhile, I can finally breathe again and imagine living life without him.

please understand... .

OK, no worries.  My process has been in a different order, denial, then anger, then depression, then acceptance and forgiveness.  There is no right way, it is what it is, and kudos for entering a new stage!

The anger is healing in its time. I say stay there as long as it serves you. Just don't let it consume you, there is so much more to live for. Even Jesus got angry and He threw a fit too. And that's just what was recorded.

Kadeem

I am religious, and understand Jesus got mad. But, is it wrong to use my anger... .to walk around my house and recount what happened, to read my journal and read what happened... To get angry... .just so I don't fall back in this hell.

I pray everyday for her, I do. But it helps me to get mad, it helps so I don't slip and text or call her and give her the attention she is craving... .

It is so wrong that she is probably with replacement number whatever, and calling me?... it is... she probably did it when with me. I have no remorse for this crap... .I don't. Leave me alone ... .go off and do your thing... .leave me out,

RecycledNoMore,

    Spitting was the worst.  Nothing like standing there looking at this person you are in love with and there is pure hatred in their eyes and they spit... .

No, hock and spit in your face like you were the biggest piece of garbage. 

I cried for a week in the bathroom at work over this. No one had ever done that to me before and I can tell you no one will ever do that to me again!

For me, the worst was when i brought up on the day of discard in round 2, the actual "splitting" of her personality, that i witnessed in person on my final few last days in her house, that was exhibited as 2 distinct personalities, within a space of 10 minutes. My exUBPDgf refused to acknowledge any of what i saw(the memory of which has really jarred me to this day) and simply said "Ironmanfalls, i didnt even look at you." She actually couldnt/wouldnt/didnt want to even admit to me that her personality literally splitting, happened. It was a horrible experience(i described it in an earlier thread/post of mine on here) that i do not even know how to properly process in my mind, still. Months later, it still haunts me.

Earth angel

I think I would rather be physically abused, which I was,than be spit on. She did that on numerous occasions.

Degrading to say the least... .

I have no words for it. It's bad enough if it is just on your body, but every time in the face...

Speechless

I am posting here because I just escaped a seven year hell with my BPDH. He recently attacked me physically for the LAST TIME. I have been the subject of his verbal torment which if it doesn't work, turns to control, when that fails ecomes physical blocking me from doorways and puting me in choke holds, ect. This last time he was behind me holding my arms behind my back and forgetting how long my arms are wasent prepared for the pain that ensued to his manhood. He let go only to punch me in the throat and put me back in a hold demanding that I ask "nicely" to be let go. I walked as soon as I was able to and he followed me driving down the wrong side of the street yelling obscenities at me and demanding that I get in the car with him totally out of control. When that didnt work he pulled into every driveway along the path forcing me to try going around the car, he kept putting it in forward and reversein an attempt to hit me several times and almost succeeded 4. Finally he pulled into the wrong driveway and a good samaritan noticed what was going on and asked me into her home. She called the police and upon their response to my home where H had returned observed him loading a gun. I have a protection order and had already set boundaries that if the behavior continued I would be done. The protection order has tremendously helped with that and I am happier now than  have been in years. Allowed to talk to my family about all the abuse that was suffered at his hands and enabling me to process it fully. I feel that NC is definately the way to go, especially if you are contiinually drawn in and they continue to use whatever transgressions (real or perceived against you). I am loving life again and have reconnected to myself. I just can't wait to get into court and have a judge hear my side since he claimed it was all verbal and that I was fleeing the state because of a "verbal disagreement". The judge granted him temporary sole custody, which is impossible because of the protection order covering our child as well, so his parents get to make all the decisions regarding her. I haven't even been able to tell my child goodnight in a week. It is tough but has just strengthened my resolve to leave remain as NC as possible and apply the principle of HEAL THYSELF. I love the prospect and FREEDOM of my new life, just have to put some things on hold to wait for my precious baby. One that he didnt want in the first place. DSS worker at my home yesterday said family court realized they have made a mistake and that as long as nothing comes out completely damning for me (which there wont) I will be the one with full custody.

If you choose to get out, stay out, realize that their problems have no bearing upon you and that you can be happy without them and responding to their BS. I am just sad it took me seven years of wasted life to realize this. I WOULD HAVE BEEN IN RESIDENCY if not for his ever incompassing needs that sapped the life, drive, and determination from me. However, I have my power back and he and his family's actions have shown me that they will continue to condone, accept and bail him out from messes. This has just made me more steadfast in leaving and more determined in the fight.

Overwhelmedandconfused... .I am so sorry. You are among friends. We've all been through some crap, you obviously more than others. We're here for ya... .

State,

I really appreciate your kind words. Beyond my BPD family, I have advocates in the community with resources I had never imagined and law enforcement, criminal courts, and even my daughters law guardian are completely confused by what was allowed to tanspire. All they are doing is making me stronger.  have been a fighter all my life and have managed against all odds to graduate from an Ivy League school despite being a high school drop out and life has never been easy. I do some of my best work when facing challenges such as this. Any obstacle in my way must be destoyed is my mentality. So getting away from him and having to fight for my kiddo has awoken a fierce dragon and I am stringer for it. Just saying it empowers me further.

But again thanks for reaching out and offering those kind words it only helps to bolster me furhter.

   Didn't take long once I'd made the break to see how utterly pointless it had been trying to talk with my uBPDxgf about ANY of the nasty stuff she'd said & done. Denials, justifications (ie; it was all my fault, didn't I know) and ridiculous lies that she had to KNOW I knew were just lies were her standard response. I highly recommend a song by Passenger as therapy - Life's for the Living. Merry Christmas to all from Down Under.  

It's beyond pointless to try to get them to acknowledge that they've hurt you and others.

I've done this, even recently, only to be met with "karmas a bit&h".

Yes it is, and you will see. When your next victim bails on you too.

Lyn

I kept my anger as long as I needed it to keep me from returning to the abuse. And still, I can't say that I'm never angry. I feel like I've just turned the corner on having more days not angry than angry. For example, I woke up this morning to an email stating some untruths, and I was able to just roll over and fluff up my pillow. I didn't respond and was able to tell myself that I know the truth and nothing I can say will change him, so it's a waste of time trying. Maybe that's called acceptance, I don't think I've been here long enough to name it.

So, I was trying to say that even Jesus was recorded in the Bible as being angry. God gave us all our emotions, each one has a God given purpose. I used anger to keep myself safe.

And I believe forgiveness is more for the forgiver than the forgiven. In fact, the forgiven doesn't even necessarily need to know they've been forgiven. In my case, he doesn't even realize he needs to be forgiven (considering he is ALWAYS right, hahaha).

Just be aware of your anger, lest it becomes bitterness and settles itself in your heart. You deserve more that.

love4meNOTu, stay with your anger for as long as you need to. especially when it feels good for you. your anger is there for a reason and your anger is part of your healing. you don't have to feel guilty about this and i support you 100%. stay with the anger as long as you need to. use it to form a protective shield so that you never go back, never believe the lies again. and also this protective shell that anger provides gives you a safe space to recreate your damaged self. this is why your angry--your body is protecting itself.

i believe others in later stages of recovery, although well meaning, often make the mistake of talking about forgiveness/compassion, etc. and trying to push this onto someone at the wrong time. this is just my opinion, but i think this does more harm than good. there was another post about forgiveness where we were discussing this and lots of good input from people. it is my opinion that anger/hatred and forgiveness are *not* opposing forces

but love4meNOTu maybe this quote will help. you should know that your anger is a vital part of your healing, it's not something you want to push away or fake away so i think your intuition is in the right place. stay there as long as you need--just try not to break anything valuable and take care of yourself  :)

Thank you for this Goldy.

It has taken me so long to feel anger. All my life I have been disgusted by anger. And my ex husband's behavior disgusted me. He was always so very angry, but could not even admit that that was what he was feeling. Ugh. HE was so disconnected to every emotion inside of him. It's bewildering.

This time, anger is appropriate. And it is serving me, for now.

Lyn

Love4menotu

I don't believe in anger, but I use it to bring things back into perspective. STAY STRONG

Forgiveness is for us. Not for them. The anger we carry with us does nothing to them, but can destroy us. I pray daily to reach a place of true forgiveness, because only then can I completely let go of this nightmare.

many situations mentioned above happened also to me, identical phrases even. i want to comment on one:


i know that my w has told her emotional truth about me (viz, lied) to family and friends to justify her deceit and departure. however, she has also tried to tell me to my face things that i know are lies because i was there when they happened (viz, didn't happen). i am beating myself to a pulp trying to comprehend that she blew up our life on the basis of things that she has to know, in some corner of her mind, are untrue. crikey but BPD is a monster.

   Maxen, don't beat yourself up over her irrational, obvious lies. It must be a common BPD coping mechanism, just like the shouting over the top of you when you're making a valid, truthful point in a debate/argument that you no doubt lost (or walked away from). It's just something we have to take on as experience that will help us to steer clear of any pwBPD in future. Best wishes for Christmas & the new year.   

   cheers free'n'clear  |iiii