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1. I don't have to fear the next "mantrum"

2. I will never be in a relationship with someone who hangs up the phone on me

3. I will never have to be in a relationship with someone who behaves like a child

4. I will never again be with someone who is unmoved by my tears or pain

5. I will never again have my insecurities attacked by a person who should be making me feel secure.

6. I will never again have to deal with such a complete control freak

7. I will never again be in a relationship with someone whose inexcusable behaviour had to be covered up from those who care for me

8. I will never again give my heart to someone who tells me that I deserve to be raped

9. I will never again be attacked an scrutinised for my previous relationships

10. I will never again be embarrassed and publicly humiliated by the behaviour of the person who I am with.

11. I will never again be in a relationship with someone who ridicules me

12. I will never again be in a relationship where the person I am with allows and excuses mistreatment by his family

13. I will never again be too afraid of the consequences to speak my mind with the person I am in a relationship with

14. I will never again be in a relationship with someone who "teases" me by telling me about all of the other people who are interested in him.

15. I will never again be in a relationship with someone who tries to control who I talk to and what I divulge.

16. I will never again be in a relationship with someone who I have to explain basic human emotions like regret, forgiveness and compassion to.

17. I will never again be in a relationship with someone who turns every conversation into an argument where I am the antagonist

18. I will never again be in a relationship with someone who has made me feel demanding for receiving the gifts that he gave to me

19. I will never again get engaged to someone who tells me the engagement ring was too expensive... The guy I marry will recognise that my love is priceless.

20. I will never again be in a relationship where I feel inferior to the other person and have my self esteem crushed

What are your reasons?

I can't wait to make a list like this. It really keeps me going to see that there is a normal life (or at least something better than the relationship) after these experiences. I've completely lost the ability to validate and have taken to simply proving her incorrect when I can in a few words. Actually seems to have worked a couple times... .I digress.

I loved reading your list and look forward to having my own soon.

If you want validation, my tip is to seek it elsewhere.  The BPD will never give you validation, or if they do, it will most likely be backtracked soon after.  Talk it out and get validation from people who care.  Friends, family, therapists, us... .whatever avenue you can until you have got it all out of your system.  Feel the anger, after anger comes acceptance.  You WILL get there, you will get there and may get set back, but eventually you will be there permanently and realise the biggest favour they did was discard you.  My best friend put it very well, it is better to deal with a big heartbreak now and get it over with than deal with heartbreak over and over for the rest of your life.  Write yourself a list of all the horrible things that were done to you.  In weak moments, read it.  Concentrate on the worst thing they said or did to you and remember that pain.  When you feel weak, reignite those feelings. 

Find something you love and surround yourself with people who lift you up.  For me, after the discard I gained weight.  It was something he had already made me feel incredibly insecure about.  I found a gym that does dance classes and pilates and realised I love it there.  It's now my treat to go there every day.  The instructors know about my break up and make sure they compliment me all the time.  I look in the mirror every day and feel better about myself.  I spend time with people who value me and are making me remember that I am far too good to be with a douche like that.  I go to the cinema... .I'm embracing my liberation from a relationship from hell and celebrating the fact that I narrowly escaped a life of misery.  There are good people out there who you deserve.  Love yourself, then go out there and find someone who is truly deserving of you. 

I think I would have left mine, eventually. So yes, better that she did it first (I think... .)

Awesome list! I've made a list of qualities that I'd like to have in a partner, but I think I need a list like this one to remember why I left my stbx - let me count the reasons, because there are MANY. Thanks for sharing!

I'd like to think that I would have too if she hadn't left first. I thought about it everyday. Lol

So many of these resonate.

Especially pont 4 - the 'being unmoved by my tears and pain.' I always struggled with that a lot. I could be on my knees, totally distraught by something he had said or done, and the most reaction I would get would be him shouting at me. NEVER in a decade did I get comfort or understanding, even if my tears were unrelated to him. He just couldn't see me upset, it totally triggered him.

And yet, I nod my head at most of the things on the list (plus some of my own), and still I can't get my head to the 'thank heavens I'm out of that, good riddance' mentality.  

At least Lord Voldemort was up front about being awful. He didn't trick us into thinking he was a great guy first.  :)

You all will get there, I promise.  I struggled so much, I mourned the loss of what I believed for a while was the perfect relationship and the man of my dreams.  That was a lie.  They are actors, what they make us fall in love with is a facade.  The bad side, that is them.  We deserve people who wouldn't even be able to behave in those ways.

Sometimes, very seldom now, I get nostalgic.  I still feel the heartache of having to cancel my dream wedding, the one I have dreamed of since I was a girl.  But one day, the penny just dropped.  This was no life for me, any and all contact with him was completely detrimental to myself.  All that was happening was I was getting sucked back into his craziness.  It's not something we can understand, and that's a good thing.

Friends, be strong and persevere.  What we have been through is trauma.  :)on't beat yourself up, but reason with yourself.  The only person who is suffering is you.  I know these words are cliche, and the decision to commit to moving on has to come from within, but every time another person told me these things, it inched me that tiny but closer to finally turning around and thinking, screw him.  I am a catch, I will take the crap he threw at me and use it as ammunition to get myself back to my best.  I will show him.  I'm still not at the apathetic stage.  Part of me wants to be hot, in great shape, successful and happily married to a great guy to show him what a mistake he made.  But I know that the day will come when he is so meaningless to me, that I just won't care.  And that feeling is there for all of us, we just need to work towards achieving it.

Sorry for the sermon and if I came across preachy, I didn't mean to.