BPDFamily.com

 I am new here but have been reading a lot on this site for sometime now and i think it's wonderful. My gf well exgf right now is the one that's BPD. She left me 6 weeks ago saying she doesn't deserve me that she loves me enough to let me go and for me to find happiness cause she's not good enough for me. I have told her that I'm not going anywhere like everyone else has cause she is my soulmate and i will love her unconditionally. She will even agree that she's my soulmate and could never love someone the way she does me. She has been diagnosed with bipolar ll but i believe a million percent she's been misdiagnosed. She fits everything that I've read about BPD. So she is not medicated. She already has attached to someone new and told me it was strictly to push Me away that she doesn't want this other person and really doesn't even like her. About 3 weeks ago she started splitting. Now we have no contact. She's blocked me from everything. She saw my car this past Thursday and stopped and we talked for about 30 minutes. It was good she smiled laughed and had good conversation. She even opened up to me about things going on between her and her family. Then she said man i don't know how you do this to me I'm so comfortable when I'm around you I've never felt so at ease with anyone. It just as if nothings changed between us. It confuses me that you have this effect on me. I said well sorry i don't mean to and she said no it's not bad at all.don't be sorry please outs a good thing. Then we said goodbye and i haven't heard from her since. So I'm alittle confused about what to do during this phase. I've read a lot about splitting but it seems to be contradicting as to what i should do. The two options I've read are 1: continue to go on with my life as if I'm just fine and shell come back or option 2: keep trying to make contact even if it's small things to remind her I'm still here. I've read that when a BPD says Leave me alone they really are saying please don't leave me alone so I'm confused. I am in therapy myself and taking very good care of myself i just don't know what to do i don't want to push her further away... any advice? Im also not sure if this is splitting or just being pushed away...

Hi waffledistrict,

I'm sorry to hear things haven't been easy; trying to figure out BPD behaviors and what to do about them can create a lot of confusion in our own minds.

Something said a lot around here is that actions speak louder than words; she feels comfortable around you, yet hasn't tried getting in touch.


 

|iiii  It's important to get in touch with our own values during times like this.  To spend the time building up ourselves.  Decisions are easier to make when we're clear with ourselves first.

Hang in there... .  What do you have planned for yourself today?

Thank you for responding. The part about actions speak louder than words... .i just figured from what i have read she hasn't contacted because it's too painful to hear me and see me so she thinks she's protecting herself by not communicating... .would that not be correct?

It may very well be correct!  Might not be either.  It's great that you're taking the time to learn more about this very complicated disorder |iiii

How does it make you feel when she isn't in contact?  That's all we can really do anything about, waffledistrict.  Our feelings are ours to figure out and do something positive with :)

Everyday i feel differant about it. I've gone a total of 9 days without contact since she moved out oct 27 but then she caved and called me. But since then she hasn't contacted me except the day see saw my car as explained above. I was dealing with it until yesterday and I'm going crazy about the no contact. Im confused on contacting or just leaving her alone. I caved this morning and emailed her which is the only way i can contact her and said hey i just wanted to check on you and see how your doing. Please call me!

It's so hard to know what to do; I really feel for you there.  Has she called you back?   

Hi,i don"t know how long you were with your BPDgf  i am not talking to friend pwBPD,it is giving me a chance to get out of the fog.i need more time maybe you do to ,One    day at a time.

She called yesterday and at first for about 10 minutes she was cold and mean then she became herself tone of voice even changes and we talked for 45 minutes. Then she called again this morning as her normal self. She said she doesn't love this New girl and they fought all time and she doesn't even know why she is still with her and that she's trying to be happy but isn't. I don't understand why she would stay with this girl knowing that I'm here and love her! She and i had planned a special weekend this coming weekend when we were still together and she asked if i was still doing it i said yes and hope you will still come and she said i just might... .

If she is leaving you and saying it's because she doesn't deserve you then you are extremely lucky. This is all just my opinion from what I know about pwBPD, but it sounds like yours may have some empathy that others seem to lack. Of course, to a non personality disordered person, it wouldn't make any sense to leave someone for someone else when you love them and they love you, but for someone with BPD, it makes perfect sense.  See, they have to be with someone. They cannot ever be alone. It's too painful for most pwBPD so once they leave a relationship, they immediately cling on to another person. But why did she leave you if she believes you're her soulmate? Because she is sparing you. Most likely she has greatly hurt everyone she has ever been with. pwBPD often have a bad habit of lying and cheating. She has probably done this to every other person and has broken their hearts into a million pieces. If she says you're too good for her, it sounds like she wants to spare you the pain and agony that she knows every person she has ever been with eventually experiences. They never really feel secure in relationships and they need a confidence boost too so they are always flirting with and sleeping with other people and hiding it from you and lying to you about it and everything else. Trust me, you will get hurt and it will hurt like no other pain. Her leaving now is probably very painful, but it sounds like she is attempting to spare you from the uglier parts of a relationship with a pwBPD. My best advice is thank her and thank your lucky stars and get out while you can. Had someone given me this advice while I was madly in love with my BPDex, I probably wouldn't have taken the advice because love holds you to someone stronger than any glue even if you know they're bad for you. Looking back now, if she had told me I was too good for her, I wouldn't have understood it at the time but I definitely do now. You're extremely lucky that this one seems to care enough about you to let you go. Most of them will rip apart the heart of the person that they were previously madly in love with and then go on as if nothing happened and appear to have no remorse for it.

Just my two cents.

Thank you trying to understand that was helpful. BUT what if she agrees to get treatment to overcome her condition She is seeing a therapist for the last two weeks and i finally got to tell her about being misdiagnosed and she agreed that she's BPD. So if she agrees to stay in therapy should i keep the hope and faith we will be back together minus the pain?