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I'm coming out of the woods. The fear,anger,anxiety,hate,rage,depression... .subsiding. I have no earthly idea what old what's her name is up to. I don't care. I will not accept communication with her. A healthy boundary for me. I have not looked at her face book. I blocked her. For me... not her. I do not discuss her with my friends. She is sick... We'll leave it at that. I am committed to zero contact. I foresee no reason whatsoever that contact with her will be necessary in my lifetime. I believe she has this message. I believe I can have peace in knowing that what is in the past cannot hurt me. It has been a living death. Time now to let go. She has done what cannot be forgiven. Mortal sin is not forgiven. Some cannot be forgiven. Those go to hell. She is and always will be in hell. I did not let her keep me there with her. It's a good day. I lived through it. There were many days that I did not want to be alive. That was wrong. I did not choose to feel that way. I could not stop the pain. I still do not understand everything that happened to me. I literally felt my brain change. I could tell when the darkness was coming. The whole world changed to a scary and dark, unfamiliar,unfriendly place. I was scared. I did not recognize the person that I was when I traced the veins on my arms with sharp objects or who I was when I thought of the other ways... .Or what it would feel like to be dead. I will know that feeling... But not that way. I'm looking ahead now. I'm living in the now. No longer in the past. It is a huge relief.

Perfidy,

   I am glad you are here. 

I felt the same way.  I would never kill myself over this person.  All it would do is hurt my loved ones and I would be ending a life with potential. 

My ex will never have a fullfilling life.  She will never be happy.

Coming out if this darkness is something I look forward to. The day I don't think about her at all will be a good day.  No love, no hate just indifference. 

Yes earthangel... Indifference is not quite mine yet. I am getting there. I am closer. I can tell because for the first time in many months I gathered enough strength to look at some pictures of her. Not to reminisce,but to delete. It did bring back some memory. I did start to fall backwards. To actually see her in person and not recognize her would be awesome. That would be the acid test. I still have some garbage that I'm holding on to. This will pass.

Here's hoping for your healing and well being earthangel.

When mine left she erased and destroyed any reminder of me.  The last break I found a picture of us in her closet under a pair of pants... .along with the first card I gave her. 

According to a friend she tossed the picture but kept the card. 

I wish object consistency was our issue:) I wish I could forget her as easy as she did me. 

For us it's like grieving a dead person who is still here in the flesh. 

I wish you peace and healing on your mission to fully get over her. 

Perfidy,

I know what you are referring to, in terms of that dark place. I know it far too well. I am glad you did not cross that threshold. Keep healing, friend.  

Ironman... Thank you for the reply, and the hug! I know I am not unique in this. I know that I am not alone. I know others have experienced that same darkness. This support group has been my crutch. Made me aware that nothing was wrong with being a human being. I have read and felt things that I never ever wanted to know. I am getting better. I may not recover completely. As a matter of fact I don't think I want to. If I do then I might be tempted to have another go around... I may not survive another experience like that.

Happy holidays and peace ironman

Welcome Perfidy. We are all survivors on this forum, in one way or another. And you are absolutely right, there is nothing wrong with being a human being. Something that this experience has even made me doubt, for a while. Such confusion. Peace to you as well Perfidy.