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How many of your pwBPD suffer from severe depression?  That seems to be a big stumbling block for me to use the tools presented here in order to constructively deal with some of the issues we are facing.  She's depressed.  Happiness are only brief moments for her, and even times when she is happy she says she is fighting off negative thoughts.  She says she has never been happy in her whole life. 

I can validate just fine, and it certainly calms the fires between us.  But she NEEDS and asks for the validation, almost constantly, and I worry that if I am giving her something she needs constantly, I am only enabling her, and preventing her from digging herself out of depression.  I'm worried that I am making the depression worse, and since she has been suicidal, and makes self loathing statements and self-destructive activities, I feel like the validation is just trying to help her not feel worse about herself until she can see a regular therapist.  It's the T (truth) part of the SET that is so hard - if I talk about anything that disagrees with what she wants to be true, I risk sending her into a deep thought of self hatred in which she may start hitting herself  or worse. 

It would be so much easier to deal with the BPD if I did not fear her hurting herself or sinking further into the abyss.  I guess I am truly in the FOG.  It's just so hard to detach from someone I love and care about who feels this much self hatred and depression.  I truly believe that she is not capable of taking care of herself and would be back to drugs or a suicide attempt if we broke up.

Sigh.  She's back to saying she is worthless and wanting to end her life again today. 

This is so hard, maxsterling, and I'm sorry that you have to be so strong, when you need support, too.  I know she hasn't acted on these suicidal thoughts for a long time, but do you have a hotline number handy?  Is your partner open to getting assistance from outside? 

What do you do for you these days, maxsterling?  What feels good, brings you joy, and doesn't have anything to do with managing the relationship?

It's easy to get lost in the very real demands of relationships, if we aren't vigilant about taking care of ourselves.

We're here for you.  

maxsterling, I can certainly relate to all that you are saying, but I would like to put the focus on you for a moment. How are YOU doing?

I was in the caretaker role for 23 years before my marriage ended. I got so consumed with her needs, I forgot my own. The relief I felt when I was out and it was over was only temporal because I soon discovered what a unhealthy mess I have become. Heartandwhole has some good advice when she said to think about what brings joy to you. If there is none that you can think of, or very few, that should give you pause.

Rebuilding our lives, whether still in the relationship or not,  is tough. It is far better to not lose ourselves in the first place.

thanks for the replies. 

Yes, this is slowly wearing me out.  Yes, I am in the FOG, and trying to navigate my way out. 

Taking care of me:  Well, it's a good thing I have always been an independent type, always had many hobbies and interests, and have spent nearly all of my adult life living alone.  And because of that, I am quite adept at finding things to lose myself in so that I don't get sucked into the depressive mess.  If I hadn't developed all those interests when I was younger, I would be completely destroyed right now.  But despite that, I feel like I have been pushed to the edge with this relationship.

For a few months, I felt like I had zero time and zero skills to find a way to retain my identity.  If I wanted to do ANYTHING without her, I was abandoning her.  I could not hang out with friends without her getting upset, could not work on hobbies, tend to my garden.  My alone time was when she was at work, which did not last long before she quit.  If I watched a football game, she would complain and constantly ask when it would be over.  If I went to the store alone, she would ask why I did not bring her with me. 

Eventually, I got to a point where I realized I cannot care what she thinks, and just trust I am doing nothing wrong.  Let her rage or get upset because I watched a football game.  I've also used validation and SET techniques to help keep her from being upset.  And since then, things have gotten better.  She still gets upset from time to time if I am not paying her attention, but I have been able to find an hour or two per day to do things just for me, usually after she goes to bed. And she is starting to recognize that personal time is good for me.  I don't know what caused the shift in her, but last night she actually said to me that she thought it was good that I was having time to myself after she went to sleep.  Maybe her friend or AA sponsor or family member said something to her, or maybe she finally was able to see how her smothering behavior was having an effect on me. 

Things are still so far from perfect - I think the damage from the previous few months is still with me, and I feel like I am only about 20% detached from her depressive moods.  But 20% is much better than the 0% I was at a few months ago.

 I know I in the clear but I need to know that its ok for me to have these feelings. Its ok for me to liek my job when she hates hers. Its ok for me to want to stay put while she wants to leave. I just need to find away I can be supportive that doesn't involve a move and new job for myself.   This is going to make me sick if I let it and right now I'm letting it.

Good progress! Keep striving for that 100%. It is good that you are so self-aware. Many of us were/are not. For myself, I look at pictures taken of me when I was still completely lost in the FOG. I look sad... .and tired... and old.  People have commented on more recent photos, now that I am out. They said I look great and happy. I look and feel 10 years younger and people notice. At that time when the old photos were took, I THOUGHT I was fine.

I like using word picture, so a relationship with a pwBPD is kind of like being in the boxing ring. Your opponent keeps taking jabs at you. Each jab by itself feels like it has no effect, but the cumulative effect of all those hundreds of little jabs wears you down in preparation for the big knockout punch. The negative effects sneak up on you, both physically and emotionally/mentally. Take a sanity check every now and then!

Good luck.

Hi maxsterling

this are good news, having some time for yourself is a step!  |iiii

And even better that she gave you positive feedback on this.

You can be proud. And keep going.  :)