BPDFamily.com

  when you keep wanting to go on about the ex?... .At first she listened to me. She heard what I had to say about a failed relationship. Only a couple of times was she receptive to my lamenting. After the first few times she would not discuss the atrocities. She would only have conversation with me when I spoke about myself only. I believe this is why I'm still alive.

I believe that if I had not been directed to focus on myself the result may have been different. She would not coddle me when I talked about how horrible I was treated by another. She understands BPD. She is certified in CBT and DBT. She treats borderlines. She is concerned with me and my well being only. She does not care that I was with a borderline. I believe she understands the serious nature of my condition. I take it serious as well.

Detachment and healing is what this support group is all about for me. I am not suffering from a case of puppy love. I am changing my thinking. I do not refer to the person that I was attached to as "mine". She is not "my" anything. By referring to her as such it indicates to me that I am still attached. She is nothing of mine. She may have been an attachment at one point,but she isn't now.

When I read the threads here I see the references to ex's as "mine" and "my" a lot. She told me this... .How con you belong to someone else when you don't even belong to yourself.

I have taken much from everyone posting here. I really hope that this message gives something back. I know how hard it is and I feel for all of us.

I do this, still. Not that it is healthy, but I guess this comes from a lack of closure. At least for me, this is why I still do that. I am glad you are focusing on yourself Perfidy. I remember when I first starting posting on here months back, you sounded a lot different. Now you are headed in the right direction. Hang in there.

My shrink usually directs our therapy away from talking about the ex. If I am really upset he will let me dwell for a short while but usually he redirects to talk about my issues. He is well aware of the damage a pwBPD inflicts on a codependent. I guess his thinking is if I repair myself then the rest will take care of itself.

Yup my T directs me away from the ex convo.  We just talk about me and what I'm going to do. 

Hmm... I never think a boyfriend is "mine"... they're not a possession that I own. It's fine to say that a car or a house is mine because I bought and paid for them. You can't buy and pay for someone... they're not an object! A boyfriend has to choose to be with me and vice versa- it's about choice. The very fact that you can break up with someone indicates that it's a choice. With a house for example, you have mortgage payments... you can't just say "oh I don't want to meet these repayments anymore". You have to pay them in full. If someone is married, then they've entered into a legal contract with someone but there's divorce... you still have the choice of reneging on that contract... of deciding "I don't want to be with that person anymore". It's so important that people have their freedom... that they have their autonomy and independence... Otherwise, they're just slaves really.

I don't like this idea of belonging to someone either. I like having a sense of belonging- of being around family and friends, of having a good romantic partner but it's a shared experience... .It's more an emotional thing... of being in a relationship of equals as opposed to a relationship of ownership/control.

Your story has always been about you. Other people are part of it, sometimes forever, sometimes not, but you only get to make the choices for yourself.

My T reminds me that I can cope with other people not change them. If I am kind and understanding in my interactions with other people yet make sure to enforce boundaries that reflect my inner values, there is always the chance that they can decide to change. But I need to take care of my part, and let other people take care of their part. That's one way of "letting go"... .letting go of unrealistic expectations, letting go of whatever doesn't serve my own development, growth, and well-being.

On a related note is a quote from Jim Rohn:

The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, "If you will take care of me, I will take care of you." Now I say, "I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me."

I would get asked, how long do you want to talk about exbf? Just remember you pay by the hour and your paying to talk about exbf.  We can do that if you want but I suggest we talk about _____ because it would be better for YOU.  I only had to have this said to me once.

I would repeat patterns that weren't healthy and then tell her how it made me unhappy.  I would get asked how long I planned to keep doing the pattern and then coming back to her to tell her about it?  It was up to me to stop that unhealthy pattern and eventually I'd get to a threshold where I would stop.  At the same time I was reminded that that  it was me allowing the unhealthy pattern to continue by not having boundaries.  I'd think to myself, she is right.  I have to be the one to be healthy I can't depend on anyone to do it for me.  I truly want(ed) to be healthy.

A really good point, Perfidy, and makes us think about what we are saying!  I commend you for working hard on your issues.  It sounds like you have a great therapist, too.  My therapist didn't want me to try to work things out with pwBPD (he was in therapy), and at first, I didn't appreciate that attitude.  Now I fully understand why she pointed me in the direction of complete detachment.  It was right for me, and I'm grateful.

this is what my T does. at first she let me go on about my BPDw, but after a while said "from now on i'll give you ten minutes about her, then we have to change the topic." she's the one who spotted the BPD, has met with pwBPD, she knows the horror. i'm grateful that she let me talk about my w,  i don't think i would have done well with perfidy's T.

Maxed I am grateful that she steered my away from talking about my past r/s. I believe she knew that it was poison for me. Nobody wanted to hear about it and I ran my family and friends into the ground with it. It really was the best thing for me. She saw how f'd up I got talking about it. She knew that wasn't good. She wanted me to place all of my focus on me. Like I stated above... She wouldn't coddle me. She knew I had to resolve it within myself. Talk therapy with her is bringing me to myself. Where I need to be.

I need freedom now,and I need to know how to live my life as its meant to be.--M&S

Mine saw my X for two sessions before she quite. Established that X doesn't trust men (of course all of the men in her life let her down, including me... .never mind her letting ME down). My T suspected an affair the only joint session we did together.

I've been going now for over two months. Due to her still being in my house, I usually update on the weekly happenings and conversations. He is cool about being just someone to talk to and vent. He likes that I realized early on my "rescuer" tendencies due to my mother, but says he doesn't feel the need to pathologize it in me and that I shouldn't be too hard on myself. I asked him point blank if there was anything wrong with me (as in a personality disorder or other MI). He took a long pause (which concerned me) and said, "no, there's nothing pathological with you. You're wounded and you've been through a rough life. Right now, you are being the adult and it is a heavy burden. For you kids, for your X (who is acting like a child), and also for your mother in a way. It is a lot for one person."

He steers me away from my BPD diagnosis (he's a PhD, not some crank), and focuses more on the spiritual and moral aspects of what she has done and is doing, because I had been too analytical about it and not really angry. He doesn't tell me flat out that I am wrong about the BPD, he accepts my lay diagnosis for now. Since she will probably never go back, it's a moot point anyway. We are also going through my life story, though it is hard to get to. Sometimes we get 20 mins on it, sometimes little at all. He tells me stories that relate to what I am saying. Gives me summaries on anger (to understand where she gets it), and also I liked that he threw out turning me onto Transactional Analysis to understand the dynamic from a TA perspective. I sometimes ask him things about our kids, though not too much (he also does child counseling). Decent guy, like him a lot. Will be going weekly until she gets out of the house after which I will have to severely cut back my expenses.

I thought about getting another T through my medical insurance, or through work, but I'm afraid I might become "Addicted" to therapy, and really don't want to go through the whole establishing a r/s with another T again, though I and mine hit it off right away. I told me X this, and she warned me not to "fall for" the T, because she made that mistake once. *sigh* I get what she is saying, but asking a BPD for advice on life is like asking a hungry bear what it wants for dinner.