BPDFamily.com

Hey everyone. My BPD gf and I were together for over four years. We broke up last May.  A lot happened thru the summer and I struggled and struggled to regain myself and my strength. When fall came around we saw each other at work and started talking. We decided to try again. There are no more explosive arguments or jealous rages. I have changed and set boundaries and she knows better than to step over them. But there is still the push pull. Sometimes she is so.attentive and loving and then she just disappears and I hardly see her.

We haven't done anything together in close to a month. She is always at her mom's house. That is where she runs and hides from the world. They are just as dysfunctional as she is.

I.worked so hard... on myself and I am stronger due to therapy and hard work. I feel good and want to move forward with my life. I want the house and family and all that. She used to say she wanted it too but I 

Was in no place to give it to her but now  I am healthy and she can no longer use it as an excuse.  I feel that there is always an excuse to keep me away. First it was me but I did the work so now it is her or her her family.

When do u finally say enough?  When do u throw in the towel?  I love her but I want a life not a relationship with my phone.

Hey WTH,

It seems like you are more in the Undecided mode than the Leaving mode, but maybe I'm wrong.  As to when to throw in the towel, only you can answer that question but for me it had to do with reaching a tipping point after which I was unable to restore or recharge myself within the r/s.

Lucky Jim

Thanks lucky jim

I don't know what mode I am in. I just don't know if I can go thru the detachment again. It was the most brutal and painful experience but I also know my life is.moving forward and she is standing still. I want more. I deserve more.

I remember when the ex was going over to her parents a lot. I always wondered if she was really going somewhere else. I don't miss all the BS that went along with the good times.

Go

Your answer is there: Stay/go. It is both. That is how her behavior will most likely be. Loving you. Then not loving you. Both. Can you tolerate both answers?

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

Ironman I can not handle both. I am trying to now and it is killing me.

Today I asked her flat out what she wanted and if she was all in. I got a list of excuses. I knew as the first excuse poured out of her mouth that I would always be in this place ... .a circular hell... .if I stay. I find my self asking myself why I am unlovable?  Why arent I good enough?  I hate this feeling. I know it has nothing to do with me. I thought I was  in a good place and I told myself I could handle it this time. Man was I wrong. I know what I need to do... .walk.  I just don't know.if I can handle.It again.

Stay    IF    You are prepared to banish all your previous expectations of a mutually loving, supportive relationship.

She may not even be in a "stand still" in life. While you are working on bettering yourself through therapy and diligence, the BPD could regress according to her disordered moods. In that sense, she may actually "move backwards" in her personal development while your hopes are up to share a life with her.

So the push/pull, circular hell that you are in will perpetuate itself until you have exhausted all your patience, spiritual well-being, and real life resources.

Reality check-

Unless you are prepared to sacrifice yourself and your future, then by all means,      Stay     (and tough it out until you eventually throw in the towel).

Otherwise,    Exit      the relationship while you are still relatively in one piece.

Instead of trying to help her out and spend your useless efforts in building a life with her, HELP YOURSELF FIRST.

Concentrate with your on-going therapy and work. Detach, dis-engage yourself, not in anger, or in hurt. 

Walk away with LOVE.

It is LOVE so that your could HEAL yourself, and it is also forgiveness for the BPD because whatever hell she put you through, it was largely due to her mental illness.

Understand that it is not up to you to ease her sufferings.

Her issues must be solved by her and her alone when she is ready to go into therapy for HERSELF and accept help from the professionals. 

Personally, I have tried living out this rescue fantasy with my uBPDexgf for the past 10 years.

It was't worth it.

I have paid my price, but I have also come along to learn a lot about my own personal issues.

(My conclusion was that a non-BPD person could not possibly build a life/ relationship with a BPD because the latter simply "wasn't there". The person was, in many ways, "absent" because she has been so engulfed by her P.D. for all her life).

Unlike the BPD's beliefs that the world and everyone in it will just sit around and WAIT for them until they are in the condition to come to their senses and move forward,  the   reality   is   that   TIME   WAITS   FOR   NO  ONE.

Solider of sorrow

THANK YOU.

Last night I walked away. I saw with my own eyes that she was cheating on me. It was a numbing experience. But at least now I know I am not crazy as she led me to believe. I can't sit in her hell any longer. My heart and mind now know the real her. They saw it first hand last night. It is time for me to do what is best for me. Sadly she is a sinking ship... .a lost cause. I will not go down with her.

WillTimeHeal,

Don't mention it. You're very welcomed!

I, myself, is "in recovery", too.

So by giving you feedback, I also get the chance to reaffirm my own values and boundaries.

It's a win-win situation, really... .