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Caved and checked my ex's FB big mistake. Picture of a Christmas tree in her apartment with the caption how excited she was for a wonderful holiday season! There was also a picture of other holiday related things.

I just don't understand how she can be so happy she got rid of me.

God, I am taking this poorly. I know she is not coming back. Part of me wants it but I know I could never take someone like this back.

The other woman has stopped talking to our mutual friends so it is clear they are in the "infatuation" stage. How nice to dump me a week before my birthday and spend the holidays in love... .in bliss.

I cannot believe I wasted my time on this piece of shi_.

Sick or not, no excuse.

I. Am. Better. Than. This!

To top it off her mom is "liking" everything. She had painted me a villian to everyone including her sister who I work with. I feel like such a fool.

Hey Earth Angel,

Your not a fool at all. You just got curious. It happens.

I darnt look at Fb. WAY WAY to painful for me.Lucky I hate fb anyway and came off it months ago.

My friends know whats going on on her page but they are under orders to tell me nothing.

Try and deactivate your account for a while. It really helps.

Really feel for you at this time.

Come on, stay strong. You are worth so much more. you know this.

Thanks, I know. I shouldn't have even looked. I am mad at myself for looking.

It's such a hard time of year.  This person ripped my hair and spit at me. This was an abusive relationship. I have to keep remembering this.

This was NEVER meant to be. I am lucky I am out of this.

Earth,

I know where your coming from, last time she left me in round 1 I was a mess, i used to drive by her house, stalk her facebook and the replacements facebook. I used to go to the pubs she went in to hopefully get contact.

I love this woman. But shes blown it this time. Im totally done with her and I think thats why it hurts so much more coz it final this time.

Ive had enough.

Too much abuse. too many lies, too much deceit, too much cheating.

As I man I am broken by her behaviour.

NO MORE!

im not playing. I win.

yes, your angry you looked, but she doesent know you looked so put it down top experiance and NEVER do it again till you need to gloat when the new R/S fails... .and you know it will.

blessings.

Instead of being mad at yourself - how about try focusing on the feeling that lead to this action?

Understanding our own motivations is how we change our patterns and heal.

We all have done this at some point and I have yet to see a post where it made the person feel better.  I don't remember who had a thread a while back about why is it we seem to look for comfort from the same person who destroyed us  :light:

Earthangel... Don't sweat it... Just think... Only a few years ago Facebook was not even around! Then it would have been her my space... .Ha! I did that for a wile... .A month or two... Maybe longer... .The whole face book fake book. I didn't see anywhere on her profile where she was bragging about being mentally ill or addicted to meth. Facebook,as we all know,is pure bs. Nobody puts their own crappiness on there but as the ones that know what lies beneath the surface... .Well... We know! We know it ain't all rainbows and unicorns. We know the sickness that poisoned us.

So ya... .I went through all that self torture too. I finally got sick of making myself sick... .Blocked everything... .Phone. Social media. Everything. She has tried go arounds but I do not respond. As if my life depends on it. Because it does.

im also going through a break up with mine this christmas.

Earth Angel,

I am so sorry to hear about this. I have/had those feelings of utter betrayal and abandonment. I sometimes would rather be numb than to go through the pain.

But you must push through. Right now it may seem like an endless and dark tunnel without an exit... .but there is an exit... .and you will get there.

Just realize that her "bliss" is just a facade... .her internal "mess" will eventually show it's ugly head. People like this run away from true intimacy and they chase the high of the infatuation stage... .but that stage will always come to an end, especially with a pwBPD. It's a sign of illness and immaturity. Their lives will NEVER be fulfilled until they go through intense treatment... .but, this is usually never the case. pwBPD are the most treatment-resistant individuals (and that is a fact).

Hang in there earth angel. Facebook is a joke. It is a way to post to the world what you wish your life was like. Remember you are strong and deserve great things. Give yourself a break. You slipped ... .It happens. Keep moving forward.

Get in line for the fool position EA, I caved too, Im fortunate I never saw any pics, only x, repeatedly posting memes from a ridiculous site called f*** my ex, dickhead, anyhoo stuff them EA, your right we are soo better than this.I wont be peeking again, I got of easy, I dont wish to go back for another dagger to the heart...

Huggs gurl, get back on the horse n ride into the sunset... .

I know this isn't for everyone, but I permanently closed my Facebook/Instagram the day she left me in round 2. To protect me  from myself from being just one click away from seeing her stuff(there are ways around even if that person has blocked you) and to protect me from her stalking me(she did this to me in NC period after round 1, and used as a further impetus to reengage me). I will not return to either realm again. I saw far too many hurtful things in 3 months of devaluation via fb/IG that it has turned me off to that, literally completely. Hang in there Earth.

Earth Angel,  4 1/2 years ago I felt just like you do now. My now exBPDGF (who I left 2 months ago) left me to 'work on herself'. Well, I snooped around & found out she really went back with her ex. I was devastated! Didn't eat, sleep, drove by his house, by her house, etc. And 2 months after she left me for him, she left him for me! Well, fast forward to 2 months ago & I left my BPDGF out of state where her family lives. Just the other day she sent me a pic of her new BF. You know what? It's a cross between I don't care & I'm glad she moved on. Why? Because I know for a fact that even if she ended up marring the new guy I could call her, tell her I'm passing through town & she'd hook up with me in a motel. That's just what she does & who she is.  She won't let go of any ex's. And she'll never change. The cheating & the lies finally got to me! So just remember, whatever you went through with her the new guy will too. Please do your best to stay away from her & move on... .   zzz

It's hard not to feel foolish when they treat us like fools ... but you aren't.

I have done and still do check (one of) the dating site/s my ex frequents ... .I don't dare look at anything else even though I have access to his email and even his old phone which has everything in it up until a week ago ... I KNOW I am not going to like what I see/find and I KNOW it is going to rub salt in my wounds ... .

Be nice to yourself, be fair on yourself and remember that you are vulnerable and in need of comfort - you just went to the wrong source ... and that is OK ... it's natural even.

the past is the past... .the future can be wonderful... .take what you have learned and move forward... .so many nice things to do, nice things to see, nice people to hang out with and to fall in love with... .

years ago, after i had finished with my BPDgf my phone rang... .it was her... .but she didnt know she had called me... .and i overheard her talking to her new bf... .wow... .a real eye opener... .she was ranting and raving at him in exactly the same way she had ranted and raved at me... .i ended the call and felt sorry for the poor guy she was now with.

your ex will give her new soulmate the same treatment, of that you can be 100% sure.

but you can now use your freedom to get the poison out of your system and be free to do things you want to do, and to meet someone who treats you WELL.

the first step is to avoid fb... .

hang in there, it will get better. try not to torture yourself, and try to move forward,

b2   

This is so true. My uBPDexgf never lost contact with any of her exes, never. Now, she won't let me go. Wants to be "friends".

To avoid fb is the best.

Said by someone who lurked on her profile until few time ago.

Finally i blocked everything... .don't want to see nothing anymore... .it's just a constant "pro-memoria" about how much is amazing what is good in her... .with the totally lack of those aspects of her personality that on the contrary are terrible,dangerous and toxic... .so going there i would just see her beauty without see the beast.I can't stand it anymore.

And soon or late i would see my replacement... .see her calling someone else "my soulmate" will bring me to insanity and kill my alredy dead self-esteem (before her was not bigger anyway,i guess she triggered this side of me too... .i always thought there was something wrong in a such breathetaking amazing woman interested in a such little man like me)

Plus fb got a big part in our story since we met there ("I have nothing to do today,let's stay at home losing time on fb tryng to ruin my life"... .congratulations,objective achieved,well done!)

So... .no thanks,it this particulary case ignorance is power.

Thanks for all the comments.

What I find funny is she has me "blocked" but is now making all her comments public. I'm sure she knows I might have another account because I think she does too.

I tried to block her after she blocked me (I have been able to do so in the past) but it looks like she changed her email so I couldn't this time.

I am making a vow to myself NOT to check her FB. Not to read into what I saw:

"It's beginning to look (and smell) a lot like Christmas. Beautiful snowy day to go get the tree I CAN'T WAIT to get the lights on! I am truly blessed and really looking forward to this holiday season! Happy Holidays!"

Because at the end of a normal relationship people are not that happy and joyous... .I mean sure they are sometimes :) I need to not ruminate that she is happy because she is probably trying to convince herself she is.

you are a much bigger man than you think.

she is less breathtaking than you think.

and yes, in this case, ignorance is power.

well said!

b2

 hi earth angel, i have been on this web site for a few weeks, and we are all loving people here, i just want to let you know when i see a post by earth angel, i always try to read it, its hard to explain ,you just seem to write with such a good positive attitude  and i wanted to thank you for that, merry christmas maybe now i can get in the christmas spirit.

Gregory,

  Thank you for your kind words.

This is not an easy road but each day away from the chaos and drama is starting to clear my mind.

I did not feel alive during this relationship. I stayed because I loved her but the sexual chemistry died as soon as she cheated on me.

I am a loyal, faithful and loving person as many of us are on here. A very wise young man recently asked me (Sculptor-on this site) Do you think she loved you?

He asked me this yesterday.  It really took me a moment and I answered, No. I think she needed me.

I gave her a plaque awhile back:

Love is patient, love is kind.  Love never fails.

She had it on her wall. After the breakup before this one she threw it out.

She is not capable of love. It is sad. It is a waste of a beautiful person.

In my last therapy session we talked about mirroring. In the idealization phase when you were so in love... .

you were in love with yourself.  She was mirroring YOU.

That makes me cry but only because wow. Many of us have low self worth and esteem.  Gregory, you fell in love with YOU!  That wonderful person was you.  And that, my friend when you think about it... .that is what others will fall in love with, this wonderful person you enjoyed being with.

We forget this, we wallow and feel bad. We are human. Don't beat that wonderful person up!


I hope you have a lovely holiday.  Don't spend it alone. Spend it with family, friends, see a funny movie, whatever it takes.

We can get through this.

Earth Angel

Thanks... .wish to remind it more often to myself too... .really need it.


I'm tryng to get this but still don't understand so well... .i was reading something similar inside an another thread and wondering  what it could exactly means.

If someone gives me a kind of explanation i would be glad :)

 for every lovely person on this board too

Nicco,

   People with BPD do not have a true sense of self. When they meet someone they "idealize" them. They take on their interests and passions. Remember when you first met your ex and fell head over heels... .you felt like you met your "soulmate"? This is because she was mirroring your attributes. She was happy because you at that moment were happy.

Then, once you did something that proved you were imperfect (as we all are) she started to devalue you. You could never get back that idealization. You might have, but it was fleeting.

So back to the point at hand... .you fell in love with someone who does not truly have an identity of their own. At that moment YOU were the object she was focused on and she was mimicing you.

So you fell in love with the good things about yourself.

Now hug yourself 

Thanks.

Yes i believed i found my soulmate... .and she told me the same too.

And yes,after she understood i was not perfect (of course i'm not)  she begun to devalue me.

But what i found lovely,attractive,whatever and made me fall in love with her is how actually she is really... .she doesn't stop to do or to love or to share those things she loves just because we are not together anymore... .i mean,what i actually love in her is what actually she TRULY is... .what i love to do are the same things she loves too... .were the same even before meet me... .don't know if i've been clear.

It's hard to undestand this matter of "mirroring" and that i was (i'm),under a certain point of view,in love with myself.mindtrick. :S

My BPDex never had a FB account…she hated it but she did have her own house to which she would use as her temporary refuge when she felt like breaking up with me (6 times) and our break ups would last anywhere from two weeks to two months with NC.  She grew up here and has plenty of exes all over town, so during our split-ups, the temptation for me to drive past her house at night was very strong.  I wanted to see if someone else's car might be parked there in the middle of the night or if she was even there at all.  Oh man the temptation was so strong!  I never went through with it though because had I seen something I didn’t want to see, it would’ve set me way, way back in my own healing process.  I would’ve gone ballistic.  So to preserve my own sanity during those difficult times, I knew it was best that I didn’t see some things no matter how bad I wanted to know.  I’m glad now that I never went over there.     

could you tell us how to do that?  i thought if i deactivated my FB account that it would be gone gone gone.  are you sure you can RE-activate it?  any time limit on that?

thnx!

absolutely!  same here.  she still has ex's from HIGH SCHOOL she stays in touch with, toys with, makes plans with.  high school.  15 yrs ago!  and college.  she stays in touch with anybody that will allow it. 

 thank you earth angel,i was so right about you , i just noticed you replied to my comment, how beautiful, i was looking for a quote i read earlier i can"t find it now but i will, about the silent treatment,someone said it was the best thing that happened, i can"t remember the exact words,i hope you enjoy your holidays too.

EA,

Yeah, I can bet that wasn't too good for you.  But you did do something good!  You felt pain and grief and anger.  All good things as you move forward!  It's a testament to the illness and your good fortune that you are NO LONGER IN THAT RELATIONSHIP!  Feel what you must feel.  It will get easier, I think. 

I personally advocate sticking your head into the pain and grief and feeling it as much as you can.  Only that way can you finally get past it and into acceptance. 

I know it seems kind of backwards thinking, but I have put my emotions on the line every time with every text.  It has gotten better and the processing is much faster than I would have thought.   So, perhaps in contrast with others here, I think you did a good thing for yourself.  You looked at reality!   Your ex is in a fantasy land and you are in reality.  I think you may have done yourself a good thing!  Especially since the ex doesn't even know! 

For what its worth,

D

In the top right hand corner of your FB page there is a little symbol that looks like a 'gear'. Click it. Then click on 'privacy settings'. Then click on 'security'. Then click 'deactivate account'. You MUST have an active e-mail account to re-activate your account. I don't think there's a time limit. I know folks who have been off for long periods of time & then back on. It should tell you if there's anything you need to watch out for... .

There really isn't a defined time limit that FB has told anyone about but people have gone over two years and then re-activated their accounts.  When you re-activate you just need access to the email account that you signed up with. 

Facebook is the evil.

Just to remind.

It still costs to me enough sometimes to resist from lurking... .but i deactivate everything... .and won't activate again.

This abstinance will pass too.

thanx for the info HBB and MrFox.  i googled it and read an article abt it.  interesting,  FB gives 2 options:  Deactivate or Delete.  Nicco, plz know that deactivated is NOT deleted.  FB is pretty evil... .they make it very difficult to delete your acct.  and it looks like if you deactivate, the meer act of signing in might constitute REactivating (read that in an article, can't vouch for it ATM).  plus, god only knows what FB is doing w/your info while deactivated... .probably still selling it as well as tracking our whereabouts... .let alone how addictive FB can be and what a time suck, too.

so i guess if we're really truly done with FB, deleting would be the way to go, not deactivating.

here's an informative article in case anyone, hey OP  :), wants to delete:

6 Things to Do Before You Delete Your FB Account

www.mashable.com/2013/03/01/delete-your-facebook-account/

Hey Earth Angel,

I made bold the quote that literally made me laugh out loud!

"God, I am taking this poorly."

For all of us here, that is the understatement of 2013.

We are the destroyed, the beheaded, the scapegoats of monsters.

"God, I am taking this poorly." Lol

You look after yourself! You are better than you know, you are feeling emotions they can only guess at.

X

"God, I am taking this poorly."

You are precious, xx

I don't just deactivate, I have a friend change my password so even if I want to go on, I cant. She'll give it back to me if I want it but I know then it has to be thought about for a while and it's not just a moment of weakness or insanity. Defriending doesn't work for me bc my exes page is basically public  and if I block him I can always just unblock if I want to look. Desperate times call for desparate measures. Or Maybe I'm just extra crazy  lol it always works! I've taken a couple months off before and I never regret doing it!

Amen.