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Struggling with letting go. Keep walking away, going numb, and then reaching out to him whenever the feelings come. I called him today and got hurt again. Talked to friends afterward and finally deleted his contact info so that I won't be able to keep doing this to myself. Then I had the worst cry. I'm not with it enough to write a good post about what's been happening...

I think I keep getting stuck on caring too much about what he's thinking and his perception of me. I called tonight because I wanted a more peaceful goodbye. It turned into a lot of meanness, blaming and berating toward me. In the past he's been very insightful, apologetic and claiming he wants to get better so we can have a future. He's got the diagnosis now and says he's started IOP treatment. Tonight was bad. He was segueing why it's okay to berate me... Hurts so bad because he has apologized on his knees for the things he was now trying to justify. I also felt my first taste of triangulation with his mother and found out he's told her version of things that are off base. Now I'm the terrible partner?

I think some of my tears tonight are realizing the impossibleness. I keep replaying the beautiful things he's said before... .Trying to make sense of the ?insensable?. I think I need a short catch phrase to stop the chatter in my head when I'm hurting. I know stuff for a short time but then it flies out the window.

I feel so messed up tonight and need a little help

That MMMBOP song is pretty catchy if you just need something ridiculous to clear your head. :)

I'm sorry you're hurting Aurora.   It hurts when we are convinced that others think poorly of us. You know the truth and that's what matters. It's good you are letting this out, crying helps even though it doesn't feel good at the time. Your post is a good one, it expresses exactly how you feel right now.


This will pass.   

Hi Aurora,

Peace to you, there will be no closure from them, only you can close this. The pain is unbearable, we here can all guess what's happened... .it's not personal. It's not your fault and nothing you did or didn't do could have changed this outcome. Get through it and read this site it's shocking but it gets better.

Changing

There's no closure from MMMBOP, I would highly suggest not listening.

Agree

MMMBOP is not to be played with, no RS is worth that. No contact is the rule

 .All of us on this board know how you are feeling right now.For a long time I would reach out to my ex in the hope of empathy,rational explanation and understanding.In the hope of an adult goodbye and closure.In the hope of an apology.The more I tried ,the more I got blamed.Along with an irrational increase in unjustified blame came an irrational increase in vile abuse... .both emotional and mental.It is just recently that I have come to realise that,for whatever reason, he will always seek to berate and abuse me as it is easier for him to function with me as the reason for his feelings than to accept the BPD diagnosis and the "shame" that comes with dealing with that.My ex got so much worse post-diagnosis.I stupidly thought that once the diagnosis was in place things would get better.My Lord,how wrong I was.I was even on the receiving end of what was discussed in therapy.The strategies he was given to "cope and communicate" were turned into "treat things as her fault and shout".It's an impossible situation,its an impossible disorder.I am only now coming to the realisation that it was not me... .but that makes it no easier (for me anyway) to have his abusive words constantly in my head.I too replay all the nice times in my head but now I realise that they were just a cruel precursor to the actual reality of the relationship.It is not you.It is him.He cannot cope with "adult".Being nice does not work.Hoping for rational is fruitless.I hope that this does not sound harsh.

Please please avoid considering using MMMBOP as a way of clearing your mind.Once it's in your head it will not go away.For months.I think you have enough to contend with at the moment my dear  :) NB.XX

Aurora,

   I am going through the same thing. It is so hard how they can love you one moment and the next you are an "assaulting stalker" and they relay all these lies to their family and friends.

Our core wounds from childhood come out when this happens. We are taking all this personally. We are taking the words of someone who has left us several times and CAME BACK personally.

How can we be that bad if they kept coming back?

We forget this. Even if they never come back again (which would be healthiest for us)!

I have learned so much on this 18mo journey. I have learned that ALWAYS and NEVER mean nothing to a person with BPD and they can flip on a dime. I learned I have a lot of growing to do and I CAN change. I CAN have a fullfilling and loving relationship with someone. I cannot fix what happened and need to chalk it up to an experience that actually saved me. Helped me to get on track to fixing ME.

As my therapist says... .I would have never stayed in this relationship if I was healthy myself.

She is right.

Much luck and hugs to you. You will come out of this better than you imagined!

They say what they want, people know, or pretend to not know the truth. It all comes out in the end. As they repeat themselves, mine wasn't very creative.

Kind of always about sex in some way, 14 year old boy bad joking or serious, not much room for creativity.

Remember they can't sustain friendships, so eventually they diss appear of the map, crossed fingers.

Thanks for the hugs and support (and the mmmbop jokes that it took me awhile to get because I was out of it). I guess I'm realizing how 'sick' he really is. He was so good at owning up to mistakes and taking actions to make change (first meds, then therapy for anger, now the intensive program). I really thought I had a different story because of that (he's shared so much with me about his feelings. We got his diagnosis together and he cried with me in fear and relief at having a name for it all. We were so so close). Last night, in his perceived threat of rejection, he turned everything on me and said he could never be with me anyway because of a million reasons that were spewed to me in a toxic mean way. It was shocking... .But not really... He probably won't contact me. He's the self-loathing type. Or as he's described it... A black hole of pain and self hate.

So, I tried this little method today of thinking about MMMBOP every time something bothers me. I think it works. Brings a smile to my face every time.

I know the song is ridiculous and I hate promoting nonsense, but maybe I'm onto something here.

He was abused by BPD dad. Mom has issues too. He recently had this epiphany when he experienced his dad rage on him as an adult who was losing me to the same. He saw the mirror and seemed so clear that he DIDNT want to do that to people/me. He cried over this severely. Last nights shock was partly because after all the apologies for the rage, he was justifying it. Calling it normal and that I just said that anytime he is sharing bad feelings toward me. Hurt really bad. Took away all the apologies for me. Also shocked because he's always been soft when I reached out... shared regret and told me how much I still matter to him. Maybe I needed this... So I'll stop reaching out

This stuff is so serious I just wanted to lighten it for a moment, but involvement in there pain is dangerous. Let yourself out, quietly detach and heal.

I read a piece about BPD and NPD dating. They said the NPD didn't stand a chance.

I laughed

It still scares me how messed up they are, how cold, how self pitying, abusive.

It should be noted by all how good, good people are.

Like a battle of good and evil, love and hate, nurturing and abuse.

Right on that borderline

I hate being villainized too.  I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that she HATES me!  She thinks I'm "evil."  She wants nothing to do with me EVER again.  She's poisoned an entire community of people to believe that I am a psychopath who cannot be trusted.  That they should watch out for me so they are not "victimized" like she was.  She's turned her abusiveness around against me to make it seem as if I was the abuser.  I've never been in a relationship where at the end of it the other person wanted to destroy me so completely. 

This is painful stuff. We get caught up in this drama as if it were all a sure thing, meaning we are certain everyone believes it. Not everyone will believe it. Some will. Time is on your side here, it takes time for the truth to surface but it most likely will. It is none of our business what others think of us. We can't control it, we can only control how we react to any nonsense.

When we stop seeing other people as problems they stop being problems.


You are way cooler than me, I had to google it.  :)