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I've blocked her number, so theres no way we can get hold of each other. I told her to block mine as well.

I just keep getting the urge to email her. Pretty much saying i don't harbour any bad feelings towards her, that i realise i deserve more and i hope all goes well with her (she starts a new job on monday).


I have realised she can't offer me what i deserve, but that doesn't mean i dont miss her.

I don't know your whole story, but speaking from experience, there's nothing to gain from emailing her. It'll just make things worse.

It's alright to miss her Eric... I miss the ex too. It's like missing cancer. Or a rattlesnake bite. I miss her often. I've been at the range target practicing... Next time I won't miss... .ha ha!

Seriously... I know the feeling. If I contact or accept contact I will be knocked on my butt again. No way. I've come too far.

Don't do it. It shows them you are thinking about them, it empowers them. Mine craves attention, when I don't give it... .I'm in control.

Perhaps it's just myself, but the concept of being in control with regards to being genuine towards another human being strikes me as childish in and of itself. Should she or he be receptive is one thing and what you expect or hope for in response is another. It's not a question of control. It's a question of awareness of yourself.

I thought about that for months after I left her.  I had no regrets and didn't feel any guilt over what went down, leaving her was the right thing to do and I did it with integrity, but I still cared about her and missed her.  Now, about a year and a half later, I still care about her but I don't miss her.

But think about it this way: whatever you tell her in an email, you will be expecting a response, if for nothing other than validation or closure.  Remember how shtty your relationship was at the end, when you broke up, remember that?  Well add a few more layers of dysfunction on it and that's what it will feel like when you read her response; we are still holding out for a mentally healthy person to give us real closure with integrity and concern for your well being.  Won't happen.  Or maybe it's something else your're looking for in a response from her, but be honest with yourself.

If you really feel a need to say things to her because it's unfinished business in your head, you feel you owe her something, there are things you need to clear up, whatever, I'd recommend you mail her a letter instead.  You might get a response, you might not, but at least you wont' be hitting send/receive every 20 seconds if you send an email.

So there's the weighing: between the soul-cleansing process of purging to her and the soul-crushing experience of renewed contact with a serious mental illness.  Your call man, we'll be here.

Oh how quickly we forget the last burn.

This is nothing different than the last contact you chose to have with her and got hurt - only this time your mind/heart is cloaking it under something else.  It's much easier to see from the outside looking in.

If you want to keep the circle going - go ahead.  It is just going to hurt and then you will be tempted yet again to reach out.  That is part of the addiction.

At some point you have to stop - might as well be now.

Also - now you have blocked her and asked her to block you.  Makes no sense whatsoever to reach out to her and teach her that you don't mean anything you say and you aren't willing to stick to your own boundaries, so why should she.  When she sees this - she will just keep using you going in the same circles.  But remember... .this is what you would have chosen to teach her and allow.

I hope you don't do it.

Would you re-attach a gangrene limb you were forced to cut off?   In the end, you"ll turn yourself into Frankenstein if you keep up this mindset.   No women out there in the world wants to be with frankenstein, unless maybe some monster loving weirdoes...       Slap yourself in the face, and get yourself ready for a real woman who can really love you, and treat you like a real man.

NC 6 weeks,\

BNB

hi, hope you don't mind me taking artistic license with rearranging your words, but i wanted to make it more visual.  what is 'it'?  well, did you happen to notice that in between "i don't harbour any bad feelings" which is compassionate and "i hope all goes well" which is also compassionate, that sandwiched in between those super nice humanitarian sentiments, you wrote "i realise i deserve more"?  which is not super nice.  a slam?  a jab?  what's the point?

PS ~ sympathies... .i still get the urge/craving to write a snail mail letter to my ex basically saying the same sort of things. i write/rewrite/delete/write/rewrite/delete... .  i realized just recently that it's just "therapeutic" to do so, but mainly she traumatized me so bad that i have to weigh and measure every single frickin' word so heavily that i can NEVER get it to say exactly what i think it should so it can be received by her in the spirit it was sent (compassion).  so, to recap:  i have PTSD from her, and i'm addicted to her, she's seriously mentally ill, and i want her back but i'm afraid of her.

does any of what i've written resonate with you?  are you sure you want to write that letter?

That pretty much covers it.

I let her back in & she done exactly the same. I need to learn.

Can always count on you to talk sense. Just have to get over the weak moments. I want to detach, but part of me still feels likes she's going to show up along the way.

State85 covers it all... .they crave attention and I also want to email/message mine... .but... .we give over our power for them to hurt us again... .I miss mine too and want to find the right words to say... .however those right words never can be found... .we tried and tried so hard but we can fix them as hard as that is

Im glad you brought this up.  I had my first contact in 6 months and am really struggling to remain in NC.

Last night as I was getting ready to write a letter I was sitting there thinking of what I would say.  I instead began a chronological listing of major events in our relationship over the 3 years we were together.  I had been reminiscing on how much I was missing her, but putting a list of all the major fights, holidays she was giving me the silent treatment, and simply crazy stuff she put me through.  I did list out all the good stuff too.  I ended up with a 6 pack in me and was having some blank moments where I remember not talking to her but could not remember why, there were so many.  In the end I came to greater revelation and remembrance of just how toxic the relationship was.  A nice letter from me would not do anything for her or me.  I also realized that if I do want to help her the best thing is to remain NC.  I know I was a very powerful person for her and I know she misses me also, but to re engage would just take it right back to unhealthy.  The loss of me and me growing stronger may be something that triggers her to seek help.

Don't write it.  You will only inhibid yours and her personal growth.  Our relationships with them were unhealthy for both parties. 

She said she loved me, wanted to marry me, have children with me, move in with me. Then it all changed at the flick of a switch.

I'm learning, slowly.

So you did it Eric? Emailed her?

Hey Eric1,

Feelings are what they are, and it's okay to want to email her.  I sure had my moments, too.  There was a point where my hands just wouldn't start typing, you know?  I kept feeling the feeling, but something just wouldn't let me act.

Maybe that day is coming for you, friend.

Here's a challenge: next time you feel like emailing her, do 50 pushups and then see if you still want to.  

heart

No, she said that last week. The poof, she's gone.

Cool... I am feeling a whole helluva lot better since I ended all communications several months ago. She made a few attempts to contact me since... .Weak ones. I didn't respond. Game over. It's over. I'm glad. Getting happier. Still go through crap... .Just residual poison. Let it go... .I feel so much better since I gave up hope !

Yeah, I felt great after 4 weeks NC, then she rocked up on my doorstep & it's been weeks of are we aren't we. I think she's gone back to my replacement. B*itch.

I feel what your saying eric... last nye I sat with my first partner who I now believe to be uBPD talking marriage with her daughter after I got recycled... I truly believed she meant what she said as we were discussing dresses then boom... "Ess than 2 weeks later she disregulated big time... .I didn't and don't understand it... I used to look at her browsing history online and found many casual sex and dating websites... .it hurt like h@ll... .I found the strength to move on despite having a serious accident that nearly cost me my life... .I deserved better and you do too my friend... .we loved and we hurt for we hold onto those dreams of what could have been... .now 11 months later she has a new victim... .I never and won't get closure although many times I wanted to express my hurt and pain... .I'm sorry but they don't understand... .those wires and the same as ours... .peace

It's probably one of the main issues that points out that she might have BPD. We proffesed our love for each other, she told me she doesnt ever want to lose me again, that the greatest thing in the world is hearing me laugh blah blah blah. Now, shes vanished again, assumed to be seeing my replacement again, never to be heard from again.

And, i still i miss her.

Eric... I can sense your struggle. It is very understandable. I felt a lot the same way. These people that we trusted aren't trustworthy. We loved them. They didn't love us back. Incapable of loving themselves, incapable of loving another. Actors. Sick on the same day as us. We are guilty too. Most of us saw the warnings, the red flags... We chose to procede with the relationship. We lived in denial,not listening to what our gut was telling us. I know this was true for me. Time goes on,the poison builds inside. We get sick. Time to move on. Time to heal. For me,the healing didn't begin until I cut her completely out of my life... .The hardest thing I've done in my life to this day.

I know I can't fix anything except myself. I can't fix her, I can't fix you. I am coming through the other side now. I am healing. It wasnt easy. I don't think it's easy for any of us... .otherwise we wouldn't be here. There's a lot of good support here and good information. There is no clear cut path to your personal well being. There are some guidelines. There are some things you can do to be proactive in your healing process. Excercise,meditation,mindfulness,therapy... .I prefer to call it counseling. It's a little easier for me to swallow if I think of it like that. None of this will be very effective until you focus is entirely on yourself and not upon her. I learned this the hard way. But that's me. The hard way.

Feel the need to send this. I've changed spellings.

I shouldn't b doin this, but I've cleared my head & I agree with u. I just felt the need 2 tell u what's been on my mind. I always thought we were made 4 each other, which is what made all of this so difficult. I realise that isn't the case n e more. With the amount of doubt & constant change of feelings, it wouldn't work. And at the end of the day, we both deserve more than that. Part of me will always love you, but it's not healthy for me to b in love with u. I'm not naive to the fact that ur back with (name). That's the choice you have made, and it obviously makes you happy. so, I'm happy for u. I don't harbour any bad feelings towards u & I genuinely hope everything goes well for you. You don't need it, but good luck for next week.

Hi again, Eric. That message shows me that you're a nice guy and we've seen that all along in this saga. I once suggested you slap yourself in the face for me and while I felt a bit cheeky posting that and feared a possible backlash, I note that someone else also suggested you slap yourself in the face. Can you please do it now?

What is sending this going to prove? That you're a nice guy? We know that and if we know it, she knows it too.  There is no way you are going to come out of a relationship with a pwBPD smelling sweet. Cut your losses and move on. There is a whole life out there for you.

I totally understand what you are feeling, you want some kind of validation or acknowledgement for your own closure. Understandable. I did the same. You're going to do whatever you need to to get through this. All part of a healing process. I can tell you that each time I felt that way... .Like communicating my thoughtfulness and feelings to her, it never made me feel any better... .Only worse. It never got any better until I put my focus entirely on my self and it wasn't easy. I know it's not easy for you either. When I felt myself healing and a reasonable amount of happiness began seeping back into my life I knew I had made the right decision in cutting her completely out of my life. That is the only way for me.

Thanks for the tough love, Aussie.

It's not about me being nice, the last time I spoke I said I wanted to be with her. So, It's 1. Telling her that I no longer idolize what we had and realise that we can't be together 2. Highlighting the fact that I know she's run back to my replacement.

Eric she doesn't care. You will find that your silence will bring you peace while telling her everything she needs to know.

i've been wondering just what do our ex's think about us enforcing NC?  i wonder what goes thru their heads.  i wonder if it makes any of them angry and dangerous... .or do they just get bored and go away, like a cat w/a dead mouse... .  i wonder if sending a letter like eric wants to, might make us safer... .b/c it neutralizes things?

It prolongs suffering in my case. I have been shown how little I mean. This guy is suffering and keeping a dialogue cannot end it. The simple truth is that the only way to end it is to end it.

I told her we can't talk anymore, to which she agreed. But the issue I have is that the last thing I said to her was I want her and for us to be together. This will mean she can think that she can have me whenever. I wanted that message to convey that she can't. If that makes sense.

I'm sorry Eric... It doesn't make any sense to me because she is already with someone else. Kind of a moot point eh? I know how hard this is.

Because she thinks that no matter what happens, she has me as a fall back.

.Let her think that eric.

Stay NC and you win!

Dont be a stop gap. Let her go.

Rooting for you mate. :-)

If you need to send it... Do. Ok... If you truley want to give her the message of not wanting to be her plan B then wait until she approaches you with that proposition. If and when she does tell her to pound sand. Don't bother telling her,show her. Did she bother telling you anything? Didn't she show you how little she cared when she moved on to the next convenient person? I can tell you with great certainty that this communication will not make you feel any better. That's what it's about... You feeling better.

Eric1,

To be honest, if I were your ex, I'd feel like I could come back to you after reading this.  It doesn't say that you are done, in any way. In my humble opinion, it's your own need to connect with her that is running the show.  I know about that myself.

You stated that you felt the need to send it.  You did.  Now what?

Hi Eric. Who cares what she thinks? Does she care what you think about her finding a replacement so soon or how it might affect you?

Deal with it when it happens. All you need to do is not answer when it does. Then she will know for sure.

Any contact will be hurtful for you. My ex rang me at 1.00am. I hung up. She rang back twice.  I rang the police and asked them to see that she cease and desist. Would I like to know where her mind is at right now? No, but she was drunk and ripe for picking. Why didn't I take advantage of that? Because nothing she can say will help me, it can only cause further hurt and pain. 

Stear clear my friend. You don't owe her anything and what she owes you (eg: an apology) she will never give it to you. Cut your losses and move on with a clear head.

Yeah, you're right. I think part of me is essentially doing it for to sole reason of contact as well. I feel that she thinks she's safe in the knowledge that I'll always be there, I don't want that to happen. And, if I'm brutally honest, If I hadn't of met anyone and she rocked up spouting the same as she always does, I'd fool for it. I'm more nuts than her!

Aussie, your second paragraph, i disagree.  she MIGHT give him an apology, mine did... .who knows?  i can't tell the future.

but your first paragraph, i agree.  something i lost sight of w/my xBPDgf was to "always consider the source"... .so, ie, when a severely mentally ill person says something to me, ANYthing, how much stock can i put on it?  probably not much.

so, even tho she apologized repeatedly during the r/s for her behavior, i was still hurt by it.  and, even tho she wrote me a beautiful letter months after we broke up, and apologized and said she is "ashamed and guilt-ridden" for the way she "compromised me/us", well how beneficial is it for me to hear that?  considering it came from someone one degree shy of sheer lunacy?  not much.

and thats a damn shame.  what i wanted so badly, what i waited for so long, i finally got and i find it's basically meaningless.  i can find little to no solace or comfort in it.  i can't believe a word of it!  maybe it's true or maybe it's just more manipulation.  better to err on the side of caution, eh?

so, any one of you out there holding out, pining for an apology, i'm here to tell you it might just be over-rated.

It's amazing how we miss being treated like shyt.


Eric, please resist the urge. Nothing good will come of it.  You have to get her out of your system. We are addicted. Once she is out it will get better. It just takes time.

In my opinion getting an apology, either in person or in a letter, from pwBPD is not sincere. I believe, in my case anyway, it is just a way to keep you hanging on a little bit longer. To keep you on a shelf or rolodex, until your number comes up again.  Remember, they crave attention, whether that attention is positive or negative... .

I agree that an apology is more about getting a response than sincerity, definitely true in my case.  Although since the core of borderline personality disorder is a fear of abandonment, it's not so much attention a borderline craves but an attachment, and you're right, a person being mad at you is still an emotional attachment, albeit a negative one; in a complete detachment we just don't care anymore and there is no emotional involvement, the worst pain possible for a borderline.

Thank you Eric for this post.  I am in the exact dilemma as you and it has been helpful to read all of this.

I am resisting with all my strength to contact her after 6 months.  My T and I have had many discussions about my wanting to reach out to her.  She is in another relationship at the moment, which as you know hurts.  I also left it 6 months ago with a "I love you and will always be there for you."  I wish I had never given her that power and had just said "F you crazy."  The more I think about it though NC is simply best for each party.  If I do genuinely care for my ex and myself any sort of communication will simply keep things as they are.  No growth from either side.  The complete loss of someone truly special to my boarderline, me, maybe the catalyst for her to really seek help.  The addiction goes both ways.  If you give your ex her drug she will never heal.  Don't do it for yourself and for your ex.

Emotionaholic,

     Please do not feel bad about the last words that were said.

If they are with a replacement all is moot, and you really don't want her back anyways, right? You were nice about it. I wasn't.

So I made up for both of us, ok?

|iiii

I was driving home from work today thinking about my ex BPD bf and thinking I should contact him as he has some of my belongings. I stopped myself as I have to agree with other posts here that the response will not be good.

I broke off contact having tried to be friends after our break up but it was pointless with him wanting to know all my plans and yet being elusive and carrying on his lies to me. 10 days ago I asked him to leave me alone. A week ago he asked to meet up as it nothing had happened. It is so bonkers! I asked him once again politely to leave me alone! His response "suit yourself!"

I am free of him, I am coming to terms with our whole roller coaster relationship and that he probably did not really care about me most of the time hence the callous cheating, harsh words, constant put downs, lies about me to his other women and empty promises to myself and my kids. I still feel sad so I know it still hurts but I do know NC is the best thing I can do. It is the hardest part recognising those with BPD do not think as others do. You keep thinking surely they must see things as you do?

Hang in there and don't e mail. I must not either. We will only be disappointed - again!

Good luck

Starlight607

yes. yes. yes.