BPDFamily.com

My mother lives in cold country. Her home looks like one of the worst episodes of Hoarders. She has no heat, and told me it was 28 F inside her house (same as the outside) the other day. She refused to have me send someone with heat (I am going to anyway, at least an electric blanket... .which the dogs will destroy since they did the last one I got her), saying that "she'll survive," and ,"you know how it was," Yes, my childhood, living on the edge, "surviving." Her pipes are all frozen and she is melting snow for the animals and herself (at least she has an electric stove that works). Says she is fine for food, and has transportation.

Like my upwBPDx, she has this stubborn streak where she wants to prove that she can take care of herself by refusing help. Of course, they both ask for help when things get into a crisis that they can't handle, instead of planning accordingly. So freaking frustrating! Why was I chosen for this?

difficult mother + BPDso + divorce situation = quite a combination. i've got it too. the stress is sometimes unsustainable.

how do you detach, knowing your mum is living in those circumstances? i think that takes alot of strength. i'm only just now starting to learn how to let my m take the consequences of her choices. i have to, i'd crack otherwise.

She is on the verge of losing her long paid off property by non-payment of back taxes. The yearly taxes aren't that much, but she let it go for 8 years before I found out (through a friend of mine, then I looked it up, and when I was going to ask her about it she told me). I gave her a little over a grand in the summer, or she would have already been kicked out. I have no more to give. She needs to take responsibility for her actions or lack thereof. A history of poor financial decisions. Yes, she has severe depression. Yes, she is used to surviving on the edge. But a 40 year old woman doing that is much different than one in her 70s now. I am not going to rescue the property again, so if she ends up in a small apartment, so be it. Or living with me in the city, sans her junk and all of the animals, then so be that, too. I and a friend fixed her water pipes last year, as she just sat with barely running water. I helped pay for the engine she blew in the truck that I gave her. Those few things I will help. No more. I need to focus on my kids. My mom never guilts me about asking for $ either, quite the opposite (which is the opposite of what my X implied about my mom... .her family does this to her!).

I'm sorry that you are in a similar situation. I guess I had a good run at avoiding drama for most of the past 20 years. Perhaps this is life.

Trust me, some days I can barely hold it together. My T validated how hard this is, to be the "adult" surrounded by children. I get so frustrated. It seems so simple: If you know the right (or correct) thing to do, so freaking do it! No appreciation for the stress disordered people cause in the lives of others. I hate that my X and my mom never got along (to my mom's credit, she swallowed a lot of what she wanted to say), naturally. That also frustrated me: the lack of mercy and understanding between two depressives (X high functioning, mom low functioning). My mom, at least, has solid moral grounded principles, and doesn't go around hurting people though. I'm ashamed I didn't stand up to my X's behavior towards my mom more in the past. My X thinks it's ok since her family just lets her go through her rages, having enabled them all of her life.

likewise on all counts. i just came out of a week of crisis mother management, into the hospital for yet another fall (though she didn't fall, you see, the chair slipped ), a paranoiac episode while there, one of her aides quitting on no notice, the other has the flu, i had to rearrange her home care in a matter of hours. miraculously it got done. also meetings with nurse, social worker, elder lawyer. but the divorce stuff is also hanging over me and had to be put on hold and believe me i don't mind avoiding it, but it's time to stop avoiding it. the clincher is that i need to be reassured that my mother's money won't be attacked by my wife and her BPD sense of entitlement, because the time has come when my mother needs the money. i'm told it's safe, but i don't even want to have to think about discussing it. my T understands the situation clearly, both the geriatric and the BPD angles (it was she who spotted the BPD in my w). neither the w nor the m, as you say, appreciate what they do to lives of others (viz., me).

i just admire how you're able to let her feel the consequences, i've spent my life so guilted out that i'm having to learn to do what you're doing.