BPDFamily.com

Hey terrific bpdfamily people --

I wanted to touch base, as I've been absent for a few weeks, and feel remiss for disappearing. The holiday season's upon us, and as much as I always anticipate it's arrival -- no great accomplishment, given that I've been through 50 of them so far -- the older I get, the more they seem to ambush me. Not emotionally, mind you, just in terms of time and feeling in any way prepared for the sudden break from the daily routine. Anyway, hope you all had peaceful, relaxing and happy Channuksgivings, according to whatever tradition you and yours follow!

On my way back from a mini roadtrip to visit some good friends a few weekends ago, as I drove through parts of the city I used to live in, my phone rang and I picked it up without checking to see who it was -- and it was my ex. The conversation started with some confrontational words from her -- which I was able to let roll off, I'm sure due to the three months we'd been apart, and to the fact that I was hundreds of miles physically distant at the moment as well. At some point, I interrupted her and simply told her that I wasn't interested in having any negative interactions with her, so if she wanted to talk, she needed to accept that what was done was done, and we needed to begin treating each other, if not as friends, then at least with civility and decency. Seemed to take her by surprise -- in retrospect, I think on some level she'd convinced herself that I hated her, which was never the case, or, if not, that I must have certainly stopped loving her -- also, not the case. But I think that's how her heart and brain work -- it's black or white, you either stay because you love, or you leave because you don't. Subtleties seem the equivalent of ambiguity, which is problematic.

Anyway, the tone changed, and she said that she really thought we needed to try again. The way she said it sounded like... .a confession. Like, she somehow felt torn -- like there was some battle inside of her between wanting to make a point, convincing herself that I'm some kind of cold, emotionless, monster who isn't worthy of her love, and the woman I fell in love with -- the one I always think of as being the real her. I mean -- who the hell knows? This stuff is so complicated and confusing! But, as a friend recently told me when I relayed the news -- "you always want to believe the best about people, and it's one of the reasons we love you." Guilty. So, I told her that, if she ever wanted to be back in a r-ship, she needed to commit to at least 6 mos of counselling, with the understanding that she may need to remain in it forever, and it possibly would include some kind of medication. And that, as far as we were concerned, we needed to focus on finding a way to be friends, because what I was feeling, and one of the main reasons I'd left the r-ship, was that the friendship was weak -- there was never any lack of love or emotion between us, but perhaps we'd unintentionally skipped too quickly from actual friendship to serious romance, and the intensity of the romantic feelings caused a lot of stress fractures in the friendship layer. I don't know. All I know is that I love this woman, and as much as I try to convince myself otherwise... .I still love her.

So, we're trying again. She is in counselling, and taking her meds. I am keeping to my boundaries -- no big hairy discussions via txtng, for one. Just today, she began to pressure me to unblock my phone (which I'd blocked over a month ago, to free myself from the continual stream of hurtful messages) -- and I was able to tell her, look -- no. It doesn't work for us. We know this -- we've both admitted it -- we get along much better without it, and I'm committed to doing whatever it takes to make this r-ship better. It's better now, without txtng, so I'm not going to get into that habit again. And she accepted my explanation, instead of forcing her point, and turning it into me somehow not treating her like a primary person in my life, what if there was an emergency, sometimes it's easier -- yada, yada, yada -- no. This is better. This is working. Let's stick to it. She accepted it. Seems like such a trivial thing, but as you all know -- it's not.

She's been accepting more of independence -- in herself as well as me. She had a few theater events recently, which she invited me to attend with her, and I declined, because I felt it was too early for that much interaction -- and she accepted it. I could tell it was difficult for her, but she agreed to do it on her own, as long as I'd spend some time with her afterwards, which I agreed to. This past weekend, she'd invited me to attend her employer's holiday party -- which I couldn't do because of a conflict with a weekend meditation retreat -- so she took some friends up on an invitation to perform in a play out of state -- made her own arrangements and flew out and back on her own. I was supportive and encouraging of the experience the entire time -- and I was excited and happy for her that she'd decided to do it. Way different than our previous dynamic, where the weekend likely would have been framed as me electing to sacrifice "our time" for something  that didn't include her -- in other words, choosing my "hobby" over her and our r-ship. But that didn't happen. We both did our own things, separately, kept in contract, updated each other along the way, and enjoyed ourselves even though we were apart. And we're looking forward to seeing each other again.

This is getting long -- so I'll wrap up. Hope you're all well, and hope to be able to get back here to put in some more time. Work's been nuts -- lots of end of year projects, a presentation tomorrow morning, a conference out of state this weekend, then more holidays -- but looking forward to a break.

And feeling optimistic.

e.

Hey eyvindr

Well this sounds you are in a good place with it.  You never know what can happen when you know more.

:)