BPDFamily.com

Hi, could you please share your stories regarding untreated queen BPD wife and what made you leaving her? Because I believe self esteem of their husbands suffers a lot and makes it so difficult to leave. 

I left emotionally over the past year, which was "abandonment" in her eyes (some truth to that), but she abandoned me in reality. She still doesn't get this and puts 90% of it on me.

I had bought her a $30K SUV, then two weeks later, she called us "done." Two weeks after that, I found out about the affair, which she had already emotionally started. A month before, she was still talking about a $30K addition to the house and all sorts of stuff. We had to sell the SUV at a loss because my name was on the title and loan, and she soon realized that she couldn't afford to make the payments. Her reverse-queen tendency was to not make me make the payments because she wouldn't want me to throw in her face later that I was "taking care of her" even though that's exactly what I was doing, and still am to an extent, letting her live in my house rent-free while she carries on her affair. The kids trap me in this situation for now... .I even put $1K down on her cheaper, new car (which would still be out of her budget) so her payments could be lower. Not much lower, but she got something a lot cheaper to run.

The Queen came out fully when she came to me, stated she was unhappy, and basically said, "you need to to x, y, z, to make me happy!"

She wanted to go out more, to party. I said we were the parents of two small children and while we should go out once in a while, it wasn't right to continually abandon them to baby-sitting. She still wanted to go out, so I let her with her friends and cousins. Big mistake. I gave a meter, she took a light year.

One time, we were in the car with our kids and our S3 called her a princess, and him  prince. She corrected him and said, "I'm a Queen!" She used to say in effect, "you know what pisses me off, so don't do it!"

In short, that's my experience.

Thank you Turkish. I know queen feels emptier compare to the other types of borderlines that why she feels that she's entitled hi everything. You must be glad to be out. I'm worried about my cousin. I'm worried about his mental and physical health. In fact, he witnessed everything in my life with a BPD husband but I think his self esteem is well below the avarage now that's why he can't leave!

She has cheated on him twice before as well. Can I ask you a question? What made you to have a relationship with this woman? Did you think that she was a strong woman?

I'll try to make this as short as possible... .I've always been attracted to troubled women, and vice versa. My current X is high functioning. She seemed to have it together, but I ignored major  red-flag in the beginning, like she telling me that she still wasn't over her old bf after two years. She warned me, but we proceeded, and I let myself get engulfed with the BPD seduction. She was very family oriented, which I liked, but her family has a lot of dysfunction under the surface (I am sure now that her older brother has BPD, and possibly her father). Here is a lesson, which seems to be unique here: never try to form a family with a person who has a pathological aversion to marriage (read: "commitment", no matter what she says. She let me propose and we were enaged for a few years, but I think even just signing that piece of paper would have triggered this sooner.

Why did I agree to have our first kid at least a year before I thought our r/s was ready? Why did I let us have a second one when in my heart I knew my X couldn't handle the added stress and responsibility (despite having major support from her family, and also from me, who has been taking care of both kids more in the past year, like Mr. Mom). I was finally honest about my reservations, and she threw it back at me, saying I should have told her my real reasons. But how do you tell someone they are crazy in a nice way? So it's my fault.

I have felt for over the past year that I would leave her at some point, and feeling that I couldn't hide my feelings from her, I knew we would never make it another 16 years until the kids were out of the house. So this blew up in just the past year, an exponential decay.

Why did I put up with so much? Because being raised by a single "crazy" mother, weird was normal to me, even if intellectually I knew it wasn't right. I thought I could deal with it. Maybe the X is right and I wasn't "man enough" to end it properly---- she accused me of our first recycle 5 years ago when I had impotence issues... .emotionally due to her abuse and the wrongness I felt in her... .I got over that though, mentally. Then the BPD behaviors continued. I should have ended it then and not cared what she told people about me. I had validation from the doctor that my reaction was normal to being in a periodically abusive situation. Still, I held on. I didn't abandon my mother due to her issues, but I did move out the day I turned 18, so in a sense, I removed myself from the craziness and supported her from afar.

My goal now, though my T says I don't need to pathologize my Caretaker and co-dependance, is to NEVER do this again! Focusing on my kids, I am content at this point to develop some opposite sex platonic r/s and put my energy into myself and my children. I will always have to put some effort into their mother as well, because the facts of the case trap me in that role. My X will never have to lay the stress of co-parenting on her future BFs, and that is a raw deal for me, a good deal for them, but that is life, and I am responsible for it.

I may have to go back and read your intro posts... .cheaters rarely if ever change. Mine "cheated" on me the first year when she was texting and emailing her former flame (the one who left her, the Love of her Life) to try to understand what was going on with her and me. I hope he makes the right decisions for himself and not for her. Loving and abuser (and cheating may the worst kind of emotional abuse), unless one is willing to sit down and work it out, is self-abuse as well.

Thank you so much for writing this precious informations.