BPDFamily.com

So, out of the blue I get a text message from my uBPDexgf yesterday. Asking me why I thought guys only wanted her for one thing. First, I never said this to her, she replies that I implied it. If I did, it was probably over a year ago. But now, all of a sudden today, it’s a topic for her. She was always a flirtatious person, even when I was with her. She dressed the part as well, was always FB friending people, and always texting people (most likely guys)…even in my presence.

I asked, why are you asking me this today? We’ve been apart the better of three months. Her response was that my implying that had always hurt her, even today. But why today? My thinking is that something has happened with one of the guys/replacements she is currently stringing along. She says no, that is not it. Whatever.

To make this long text conversation short, she is basically saying that is all I wanted before we started dating, and now she feels that all men only want that from her. And apparently it is my fault. I am thinking that maybe she is feeling a little guilty, or ashamed, or whatever, for her activities with other guys (now, and probably while we were dating as well). But cannot accept that it might be the way she presents herself, and the way she acts, which results in guys wanting that “one thing”.  And instead of accepting that, she projects it to me….as I am the cause of her feeling that way.

My thinking is, if you don’t want to feel that way…or you don’t want your current victim(s) thinking that way….quit giving it up so easily!

Or maybe this is all for nothing, and is just another manipulative tactic to engage with me. Because, I know her pretty well….jumps into relationships on a whim, and we’re not talking just as “friends” (as she would like me to believe).

Also, I can tell when she is occupied, or receiving attention from someone. On those days she is silent. But apparently when she is not getting attention or acknowledgement from her “friends”, this is when I hear from her. Yesterday must have been one of those days.

Thoughts?

I know it's too late, but I already have a canned answer to exactly the same question:

"Well, dear ex, if you wish that people stop using you for sex, you might consider stopping using sex as a mean to get to people."

Other then that, it is an obvious plea for validation. Something probably backfired and she needs you/someone to take the (overarching) blame.

one of the markers of BPD seems to be that slights are never forgotten and never forgiven. in her one moment of self-awareness my w said as much about herself. when she bolted she gave a few specific reasons, one of which was my habit of leaving the premises when the frustration got too much. except that i stopped doing that six years ago. and i stopped it of my own accord: i said to her that my behavior was unproductive and i was going to put in a protocol to stop it. and i stopped it. but it never stopped in her mind.

i don't think there has to be a trigger, these sorts of things are ever-present in her mind, she's looking to feel hurt, that nourishes the victim complex.


oh yes, everything is your fault.

That is what happened. You responded, which gave her the validation/soothing she needed. Dont be surprised if more of this continues in the future.

At the risk of sounding callous... .That's all she's good for and she knows it? Sex was a tool for the one I was with.

It's barely four weeks since he marched out of my life, so I'm still very sick and shaky. But some things I have realised:

They are very unhappy and damaged people, but they can only change themselves: I can't change him or help him and being a doormat makes him worse.

Everything you do is ego-food. (I gain this partly from recalling his interactions with others when we were together). If you speak to them, that feeds their ego. If you ignore them, that feeds their ego. Whatever you do is a tribute to them and offering at their feet. So you have to do what best helps you recover.

I am still deeply enmeshed in this. But at least I have six days of No Contact now. One day it'll be six weeks, then six months, and one day I'll stop counting because it won't matter: I'll be too free of my feelings about him to care.

Yep, I gotta agree with all here.

Don't cast blame on me for something you can control... .or can she?

But damn, she told me these guy(s) are only friends? Lies, lies, and more lies. Why lie to me when we are not together... .twisted to say the least.

Ironman... .you are correct, the best response would have been NO RESPONSE