BPDFamily.com

I am afraid I am losing my son.  He suddenly flipped against me in August. Everything I have done to try and sort it with him has made it all worse. He has actually accused me of planning to kill him with a gun.

He has adhd and anxiety issues. He is 20 years old. His father, my ex husband, is supporting him in this against me. They are calling ME borderline. My son says I am a drama queen, his life is better off without me, and generally I am too much trouble to bother with. He says he has no mother and I have no son. He threatened to have me arrested and to have me committed to a mental ward.

Currently he is under psychiatric care, taking meds for adhd and klonopin for panic attacks and anxiety.

I obviously have known he has issues, but generally we were "good". I raised him mostly on my own from the time he was 8 years old. With the exception of one real conflict when he was 12, where he hit me and accused me of pedophilia ( an incident I am ashamed I felt so upset about I hit him back), we have never really had conflicts.

He has been enraged at me since August, calling me filthy names ( we NEVER talked that way to each other) and mocking and mimicking me. He accused me of being demonically possessed and said I love watching him in pain and am a soul sucking vampire.

I don't know if I have BPD. I didn't think so. But these events have messed with my view of myself and the world. There are a lot of background events to this, and I am overwhelmed with my own guilt. I feel so devastated. He is my only child. I guess at times the guilt and pain become so much I just sit in misery wanting to die. I lost so much weight from not being able to eat, I am very low weight.

I have been trying to pull myself back up, but feel so worn out from years of problems with his father, the recent issues where apparantly I am totally hated. I want to feel some peace.

My son is giving me the silent treatment. I write to him on facebook sometimes.  He just totally ignores me.

I gave up trying to call him, since he only answered once since August and the verbal abuse was horrible, the name calling, the threats, the accusations.

I don't want to give up on him,  but nothing I say seems to help.  I am pretty sure my ex husband is manipulating some of this. My son got a job in the summer working in the same place as my ex. My ex and I had a really bad divorce with HIM attacking me in any way he could ( seriously, he told me later he had intended to ruin me, destroy my life, my mental and emotional state. He did a lot of terrible things at me which I set aside on my son's behalf. I think I was wrong to do that now)

Help please

Hi elemental,

*welcome*

What a painful situation, I'm so glad you found the site -- you're not alone. There are many parents here who are struggling to keep their balance, working through very difficult situations with their children.

You mention that your son is under psychiatric care for ADHD and panic/anxiety, but it doesn't sound like he has been diagnosed with BPD?

One resource I like for understanding BPD is this video: Video--What are the Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder? (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm)

There are many tools here, and a lot of wonderful peer support, from people who know what you're going through.

When did your son begin to display this behavior? Have you been in contact with his psychiatric caregivers?

elemental,

  I would like to join livednlearn in welcoming you to bpdfamily,  I am sorry about treatment from your son. I know you are devastated. 

Please read all that you can on this site.  It is quite informative.  Let us know if you need help finding anything.

Please come back and post.  You are not alone.  We are here for you!

peaceplease

This is a really long story, very convuluted and ugly.

He claims to have attempted suicide 7 times.  He claimed he was cutting himself. I never saw these things, until one morning he left the house early and I guess the door closing woke me up. I got up and saw he left a suicide note. I went outside and saw him going down the street. I went after him, and he came back with me. At that point I got him into see a psychiatrist who diagnosed him with adhd ( his father has it too) anxiety, and mild tourettes. He began medication at that point, and began to see a therapist.

He told me then he had made 7 other suicide attempts, had gotton deep into drugs. I am baffled because I never saw that. I am serious. I am not unobservant. I never went out myself at night, was always home, I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. I have always been negative to him about them. HE was home, too.

His dad on the other hand is an alcoholic, abuses drugs like ambien, his own meds and whatever he can steal ( he has stolen from me ) or talk other people out of. Both my son and I have heard all the stories about cocaine and my ex thinks pot is ok. My ex bought alcohol for our son and gave it to him when he was 14 and onward. I found out and told him none of that or I will report it.  My ex is not an uneducated man. He says it was "just one". I told him our son is not your drinking buddy.

I have seen my son drop his friends and turn his back on them.  Sometimes he recycles them later.

Looking back, I can see some of this behavior beginning when he was about 12-13. With the exception of that one event where I hit him, we never had very much discord between us. He did as I asked him, no argument typically.

He was traumatized when his dad and I divorced. Like I said, my ex did a lot of extreme things during the divorce.  In an attempt to discredit me, my ex husband and a friend of his committed me to a mental ward. I was let go after observation, but while I was in there, my son was told by my ex I was going to kill him, and he was safe now. There was a custody battle for him. My ex told people I am abusive, mentally ill, violent. There was no evidence for it, though. My ex has always been trying to force this down my throat. He was constantly telling me when I was pregnant that I was going to kill the baby. He insisted I go to therapy. It was pretty much the only place I went when pregnant because my ex took my car and insisted I not have contact with my family. I was young, and confused, torn. I was married, so I tried to do as he asked. But it was horrible, I missed my mom so much.

I feel like all of this is a repeat of history. My son is VERY angry at meright now. He says my ex has told him all sorts of things about me that I supposedly did and he won't even TALK to me, except to make accusactions and call me names and make fun of me and mimick me when I try to talk.   We never treated each other that way. I saw him do it some to his dad. They fought a lot, but not with me.

I feel horrible. I really believed when he was growing up I was doing the best I could for him. My ex wasn't much help. He didn't pay the court ordered child support and he wandered in and out whenever he felt like it. He was around a lot, but refused to consistently do his part. The state caught up to him on the child support last year, after my son was in college and my ex called me up about it. he said guess what! I get to pay child support. I said oh. Then he said he already called up our son and told  him I would be giving the money to him, as it wasn't mine and I was wrong if I kept it.

That is just the gist  of things and I could go on forever, but I am not sure I am being coherant, just rambling.

I know a bit about BPD, as I have a degree in psych. The sudden flip from being caring and kind one day to outright attacking me in such a vitrolic way seemed to point to BPD. So no, my son is not diagnosed with it. I have pretty much gotton the silent treatment for 4 months. I don't know if I should give it back or try to draw him out. He suddenly seems to have outright disgust and contempt for me. The last time I talked to him, he was so cruel, I began to cry, I felt so hurt and sad. Scared. And he sneered and me and said "stop all of your fake crying you stupid b***h.  He then made a number of threats and accused me of planning to hide on his porch one night with a gun and murder him when he comes home.

Any attempt on my part to deny or discuss was derailed by him talk loudly over me and calling me names, mocking me, cursing me.

I tried to talk to my ex about it, but he is also refusing to talk to me. He ignored my attempts when this first happened and went to my son saying I was attacking and harrassing him.

No. I was simply trying to get ahold of him to discuss what appeared to me to be a psychotic break in our son.

Also when I was crying and getting upset, my son recorded it on his cell phone and has put it online. He says he is showing it to everyone. He showed it to his psychiatrist who told him ( he says) that I have borderline personality disorder and am probably a psychopath.

His dad and him apparantly discuss that I may also be demonically possessed. My ex was going on about that during the divorce, base on a book he read called "People of the Lie".

I read it after that and it appears to be about malignant narcissim.

I know all of this sounds weird and extreme. It's all true, there is loads more of it. I don't know what to do about it. I am living in a pit of guilt and shame, I don't know how to sort it out, how to fix it. I have a lot of anger about it.

I kept it together while my son was growing up, his dad made life hard, and now I feel like something was done deliberately by my ex to undermine me. So all of that anger and dislike I was shoving down, I am really starting to feel. It is the helplessness I feel that is frustrating me.

Sorry for the novel.

Hi Zencat,

I'm glad you are here.  Dont feel bad about the long post or anything said.  This is a safe place to vent.

I'm sorry to read about this situation, and the pain of it is palpable.  I had many thoughts reading through your situation.  None of which is easy.

If I may suggest one thing, for now; be it today, or this week or for as long as you need to?  Please consider your ex may be manipulating the situation and is not working with you at this time in the best interests of your son.  No one can say for certain what's in another's head, heart or intention in these circumstances.

In my own experience a resentful ex husband who is lacking in insight, (and displays traits which may be on the long end of the Narcissistic scale) may not be the best person to take to heart nor make parental comparisons against to your own detriment and judgement of self).  I hope I expressed it well enough to make sense. 

So, it may be best to withdraw from the idea for now of him "working with you".  Perhaps when you feel centered and grounded it may be something to explore again, but for now it doesn't seem to be helpful to you from what you've said here.

I raised a son pretty much on my own as well.  I relate to many things you've said.  It was said objectively by members of my ex-husbands family as well as my own that he didn't always act in the best interests of my son. 

My son's father is still peripherally involved in my life through my son.  And our relationship is pleasant within the parameters I allow now.  Which means I don't listen to blaming or guilt or respond to him other than when he is pleasant.  I realize until your son is grown, this may be unrealistic.

I welcome you here to bpdfamily, I encourage you to grab hold of your own smarts, warmth, reality and personality and hang onto it dearly.  Take a deep breathe and take some time to sort things out so they are clear to you.

Talk to another professional if it helps.  Keep posting. 

I'm sorry also you've had to endure the things your son has said to you in particular. These things are difficult to deal with in addition to the rest.  I hope you are taking care of yourself.  Eating, sleeping and engaging at least once in awhile in things you enjoy and give you total abandonment. 

I try to be on here every other day or so and will be looking forward to hearing more. 

I hope you keep posting.

Seashells

It doesn't sound extreme or weird -- sadly, there are many stories that sound similar to what you are experiencing. My ex, who was diagnosed narcissistic and labeled misogynistic by a forensic psychiatrist, would tell me during the last few years of our marriage that I was self-absorbed, a megalomaniac, egomaniac, selfish, had no empathy. At the time, I was shocked because I felt so nurturing and caring, always doing things for him, including not seeing my family much, getting rid of friends he didn't like. Then, I ended up in therapy, and told my therapist I worried I was narcissistic, and she laughed, and said no, but your husband is displaying classic signs. That's when I learned about things like projection -- she called it a crude coping mechanism. But my father has narcissistic traits, and my brother is uBPD, so it's all I've ever known.

It sounds like severe parental alienation has been going on all these years with your ex and your son. There are reunification therapists that specialize in repairing relationships between parents and children. Since your son is an adult, he would have to consent, tho, and it sounds like he is dealing with his own pain, trying to find his way. You may also find other parents on the Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0) that have experienced what you're going through.

What behavior did you start to notice when your son was 12-13? Did he spend 50/50 time with his dad?

Do keep posting and let us know how you're doing.  

My son started to become anti social in some ways. I look back and I can see the ADD and anxiety were beginning to really effect him. I don't know what I was thinking not to realize there was something wrong other than the problems with his dad.

He refused to engage in school activities. He had been tagged by a teacher for the debate team and he refused an invitation there. Grades were horrible. I think he was worrying excessively about money. He became a caretaker for his dad, worrying about his dad's well bring. His dad in the meantime was doing things like stealing gas from us, and un known to me was manipulating my son into taking food to him from what we had. I saw the things were gone and thought I was seeing things at first, then I realized what was happening.


At that age my son began to fight back at the world, a lot of hostilities towards random online people and for some reason... .Welsh people.  That is not a joke. Welsh people. We live in the midewest of the United States. He never even met a Welsh person.

I've been reading around this site a lot. I am worried. I think my son is BPD/ narcissistic, my ex a narcisisst, and maybe my boyfriend is one too. In the center is me and I really want to be able to handle these guys. In the last 6 months, it all seems to be blowing me apart and I end up arguing with all of them, with me accomplishing nothing but upset for me and them giving me the silent treatment.

Thank you for the encouraging words, and the welcome. I will read around more. I really hope to be able to help my own self at least so I can feel some peace of mind.

I am so so sorry about all you have been through.  I do believe you.  It must feel like a nightmare to have your son turned against you.  I am no expert, but it might be best for you to focus on yourself for now and get healthier emotionally -- therapy, support, etc.  Please hang in there and do not feel like any of this abusive treatment  is your fault.  Your son might not have a real reason to hate you--whether it is the drugs talking or mental illness, keep remembering that you did your best. 

He was really loving towards me all of his life before this. After he went to college, he would text me in the middle of the night, thanking me for all I did for him. He was so proud of me to his friends for raising him pretty much alone. It has broken my heart to be called filthy names and mocked by him  :'(

I hope I can learn something here to help.