BPDFamily.com

Just wondering.

My exwife with BPD told me that before she dated me, she would love to go clubbing every night with a different guy and misses it greatly. She would dress sexy and dance with men and feel happy.

She would tell me in anger "why did you trick me into marrying you? I was happier when i was single"

I guess for her, she enjoys the idealization stage. That is the stage where she feels most happy, in control, not scared.

Now that we are divorced, she is free to dress sexy and have men admire her. As long as she has men who "want her", she is happy.

All she needs to do to stay happy is not get into a real, meaningful, loving relationship.

That is sad really.   When you stop to think about ever being like that, what a crummy life that would be, not really knowing how to love one person.   All they are capable of is taking and pretending to lead a life that is normal so they can try to blend in. 

She would be happy if a relationship just consisted of idealization and nothing further. A relationship encompasses far more then that. Since BPD is a disorder of intimacy, and the trigger occurs once the pwBPD feels emotional intimacy/closeness which in turn causes the manifestation of that other side, you can see why she appears to be happy just in idealization; there is no emotional intimacy/closeness until the idealization stage wears off, and then the Janus-faced entity emerges as a direct result.

Don't know how old you and your ex are, but many people get married young, against their impulses, to try and create a happily-ever-after fantasy, but the reality doesn't measure up, so they revert to what feels right.  Young, beautiful women have a lot of power, and initial attraction is always a buzz; if she's chasing that buzz and it wears off with one guy, on to the next.  That's fine for a while, but if she goes too long, to the point where the bloom is off the rose and she's wearing clothes that are too small and inappropriate for her age, it becomes pretty pathetic.

Anyway, sorry your marriage didn't work out.  Living in the moment is a good thing, unless you're stuck there and can't think long term or sustainable.  My ex was in perpetual chaos, life is very difficult for her, so anything longer than tomorrow really didn't exist, and she could go from telling me she wanted to have my baby to telling me she hated my guts inside an hour.  My main project for the last year has been to dig and discover why I hung around for that, voluntary blindness, trying to make something work that never could.

I think all of you have made great points here.   And the idealization stage is what we fell in love with in the beginning.  At least I know I did.  That is the essence of our side of the fantasy that we were in a real relationship.

So sad for them indeed.  And so sad for us Nons when we find out the the actual reality of the other side of the Janus face.

I'm constantly amazed at the insights these post give me!   Thank you BPD family.  

D