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Tonight my daughter was out with a relative. My dad was taking her out later but hadn't read my email and didn't get some important details. So they  had already left and then he calls me saying he needs to pick her up 1/2 an hour earlier than he originally said. Meanwhile, the relative my daughter was out with wasn't answering her cell phone so we couldn't get in touch with her to ask them to come home early.

My father was stressing and I started stressing too. And then I put a stop to it (well, to my part of it).

I recently read on Facebook something about how bad situations and annoying people are really just situations and people and our perspective and how we handle them is what makes them "bad" or "annoying". Ok, I don't 100% agree with that, but I get what he meant and for what was happening today, it was totally true.

So what was the worst that could happen? My daughter would miss the walk with her grandpa tonight. That's it. No one would die,  no one would be injured, no one would lose their life's savings. She would miss a walk. Big deal. And my daughter is remarkably well adjusted for a teenager so she wouldn't have freaked out or gotten upset.

But I was raised by a mother who made everything into a Big Deal. Stress and drama and guilt trips and usually yelling of course (and, when we were younger, physical violence). And sometimes (like when I'm PMSing - ahem) I fall into that drama trap too.

Actually, pretty much whenever something happens with my family, I fall right back into that mindset. It (whatever it is) is a big deal and if we don't solve it, the freaking world will end.

Most of my friends are calm and laid back. At this point in my life I've managed to surround myself with people who are the way I want to be. But whenever I find myself dealing with my family their stress and anxiety speaks to mine and there goes my zen.

So I'm proud of myself tonight for seeing it and stopping it. I basically just stopped myself, told myself come on, what's the worst that could happen (see above) and then just breathed and purposefully slowed myself down while I calmly washed dishes. I called the relative a few more times to confirm she wasn't answering (calmly though, and listened to a few songs and washed a few dishes after each call) and then calmly called my dad and said nope, she's not answering, I'll just call you when they get home and if she makes it, she makes it. And that was it.

I'm a work in progress still :)

I agree!  And, so much emphasis on assigning blame for my mom's and sometimes my Dad's dark and desolate moods.

I had an interesting experience the other day. I learned from my son that he is going to ask his gf to marry him. First thought, how exciting, second thought, do what you want for a ceremony and celebration (they're delightfully off-beat and not materialistic so it could be anything). Fourth or so thought, what will my my BPD mother say if she is not included in their plan (they live in a different part of the country from her and she is 87, although still getting around).

I realized that I was already ruining this happy occasion by pre-blaming myself for her assumed unhappiness! I am so programmed to be ashamed of myself for making her miserable that I put the whole emotional sequence together before any actual event!

Well, that was good insight for me,and I think it was what you were talking about Bluecat. We need to not be the problem ourselves through years of conditioning. I was so much happier when I analyzed my own reaction--at least this will be one time I won't fall into that self blame trap!

Oh yeah, BTDT :) I also find myself getting upset over things I think they *would say* if I talked to them. Which I totally get is nuts, lol! I'm very thankful that at this point in my life I see all this and am aware enough to stop it. I don't have a PD, but having been raised how I was, I'm certainly not what I'd call normal and well adjusted   But I'm working in that direction :)

Congrats to your son by the way :)