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I've read that people with BPD have difficulty holding onto loving happy emotions due to unstable sense if self. Why are they able to hold onto the hateful stuff that they think up about u when painting black? I've heard that u can be painted black for years.

I'm not so sure you are painted black for years. It may be more like they just don't think about you while they are in relationship to relationship to relationship... .They probably become indifferent at some point like we do unless they have difficulty in a relationship and need soothing from someone from their past. That's when you will likely hear from them. I assume they have a "favorite" list in order from first to last.

That's my bet as well. I am cynical at the best of times, and that trait does save my heart from the meat grinder.

I've been painted black as a lover permanently, I think. At least it saves me the recycle that so many here experience. She basically equated me with her father, emotionally. And that was it! During past periodic rages I'd see it and call her out on that, only to have her reply, "I know you're not my father!" In the end, that's what it turned out to be.

I really don't know how or why they hold onto pain for that long. Do you have any secret pain which you hold on to? I have some in the background, but it doesn't rule me. I try to imagine being consumed by my fears and secret pain almost all of the time, and maybe then I might have some understanding of what they feel. Maybe... .

My secret pain would be to run afoul of another PD'd PITA. That's about it as far as pain and fear goes. Not much fear in reality. Just bolt and problem solved.

There's a couple of things going on there.  One, someone with the disorder sees everything in black or white, not gray, no she either loves you or hates you and is incapable of accepting an integrated human who is a mixture of good and bad traits, it just doesn't compute.  Second, projection is a coping mechanism, and borderlines don't like themselves much, so will tend to rail at other people and assign the things they don't like about themselves to offload those emotions.  Third,. borderlines feel a lot of shame, and if you left her, she'll come up with a thousand reasons why she's just not good enough, which is why you left.  You are now a trigger for that shame, so every time she sees, thinks about or talks to you, the shame returns and she feels bad.  You cannot fix any of that, but the good news is it really isn't about you.  Take care of you, and sorry if I got genders wrong, I guessed.

Correct me if I am wrong, but doesn't someone with NPD usually exhibit the pattern of discard/permanent painting black? A pwBPD who has recycled the non at least once is effectively showcasing that there is no permanent painting black. If so, why was the non recycled to begin with once, twice, etc. Why would the pattern just stop? The pwBPD is still disordered.   

I agree, there is no permanent 'painting black', no more than there's anything else permanent in a borderlines psyche, except their fear of abandonment.  At some point a sufferer may be having a bad day and you'll show up on her radar as someone who made her feel good once, so you become a possible soothe source, regardless of what happened prior in your relationship; it's very short sighted and selfish, and of course I've been short sighted and selfish plenty too.

"Painting black' is a nondescriptive term too.  Someone with the disorder only sees things in black and white, no gray, meaning that they can only see all of your good traits or all of your bad traits, but not at the same time; they are incapable of perceiving an integrated human that is a mixture of good and bad traits.  We all do that BTW: think of someone you are no longer 'talking to'; you may find yourself accentuating their bad traits and minimizing their good ones to justify the rift in your head.  A borderline just takes that to the extreme, and remember they are developmentally arrested, and interpret like children do.

When we're seen as scapegoats, for which we may have volunteered, the details are stacked to help fit that picture. The process is set in motion and there is no going back.

My uneducated guess: Once the non sees below the mask, the pwBPD is so full of shame and self loathing that they are no longer willing to engage the non because they have revealed their lack of true Self? Then the non is  painted black or white or striped with polka dots. Then they may attempt to bait you. If you flip the bait back they get confused. Stop contacting the non. Who knows? And after a while, who cares? It's insanity. Stay out of the rabbit hole. Know it for what it is and steer clear of the chaos. That's where the Gray line turns black for me. I really don't care to engage with crazy again. Kept at a safe distance, no problem, but up close and personal? I would be the nutty one to make such a choice.


No, that I don't. If I am not talking to someone I don't sit around accentuating their bad traits. However, if I am dealing with a person who acts and reacts in a PD'd manner? Then that behavior goes under the microscope. Test it. YKWIM? Once burned , twice shy. Why take unnecessary risks?

I have a question. Do they think they can "get you back" if they have in fact put out feelers and I wonder if they will attempt contact at times on impulse even though you are black. If you read some of the sites where pwBPD post many admit that they are hurt when a relationship ends yet they sometimes make contact to recycle.

FWIW, my psychiatrist said my ex will attempt to contact me sooner or later even though I left her, accused her of having BPD, and she called the cops on me. I seriously doubt I will hear from her though because the BPD thing was a major trigger for her I think.

Don't know if you mean 'get you back' in a revenge way or a recycle way, but assuming you mean recycle, someone can only do what you let them.  It's a control thing, and kindhearted us usually gave all our control to the borderline, to our own peril.  In fact it was when I took mine back that the relationship ended; she couldn't tolerate anything other than a matriarchy.

So if you're detached and healed with boundaries firmly in place, she can't do anything you don't want her to.

Might be this in my case, since mine admitted to me that she is "sick", and knows that I know now, too (other than the Depression which she shared with me a few years ago). Staying with me will continuously trigger that realization in her, although she is getting help for it (still unnamed... .therapy establishes a r/s, and it takes her being honest and open, which she might finally be doing a little, from what she told me). Ironically, I am the one best equipped to support her in this, since I know her better than anyone ever has, or ever will due to us having kids together, something she will never share with anyone else. It would take at least the same 6 years, along with the new guy being very involved with her close-knit family (the latter won't happen), AND having the intimate bond of raising children from conception, the birthing room and beyond. It won't happen, so it is up to her, and me from a distance (only due to the kids, otherwise, I'd have booted her and established 100% NC two months ago). But she won't let me support her while still being in a romantic r/s, so she ended it, and is hopefully leaving soon so she can heal and/or medicate at a distance. My curse or gift is that I will see this play out for the rest of my life due to our kids.