BPDFamily.com

Didn't want to hijack the wedding ring thread but It got me thinking.

Why do some pwBPD insist on getting married very early in a relationship and others fear any type of long term commitment?  My ex would never have married me. She even made a statement "why can't we just always be together without getting married?"  The funny thing is she was married during our entire relationship but insisted it was because her previous ex was going to be deported and would not be able to finish college if she hadn't married him. She never lived with him. She lived at home the entire time they were dating (married).  I think she used the marriage as an excuse (or safety net) not to marry me.

He filed for divorce a month after I left her. She had told me she wanted to divorce before the end of the year due to tax reasons. He knew we were dating because I sent him an email telling him. She bought a house during our second year together. It's like she knows she will never live with anyone else. She stayed with me almost every night for 3 years but never left anything of hers at my house. Crazy!

If anyone knows why some insist on marriage while others resist at all costs I would like to hear your comments.

My exBPDgf was very pro-marriage.  She was married twice before me, engaged twice between her second ex-husband and me, got engaged 6 weeks after we ended and is now married to my replacement.  For her I think it is one more way to ensure that the other person won't leave her.  I also think she looks for men who will support her financially, while she pursues whatever random interest she currently has.  Additionally, she loves to be the center of attention and brides very much get to be that.

The fear of engulfment and the fear of abandonment operate on the same pendulum with BPD.  An unstable sense of self sometimes can be seen as "marry me so I exist" or "marry me and I fail to exist".  This pendulum can swing back and forth as the sense of self fluctuates.  It isn't rational, it is BPD.