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I have been struggling so this year with myself and both my DD27 and my gd8. Many of you have followed this chaotic story. For newbies, DD has many labels for her symptoms from the very young age of 4. BPD was added when she was 23. Gd8, who my dh and I are raising since an infant, now has a couple labels for her cautious, anxious, impulsive, distracted, non-attentional ways of being - ADHD. She is behind academically and has a very supportive, appropriate IEP at her school. I am challenged by my own labels for various symptoms - bipolar II. Dh carries the label of social anxiety. We all are on medications that support us in coping with our various symptoms, with some success. Meds. make each of us more available to learn new tools and skills, and improve our relationships.

New knowledge has led me to believe that attachment difficulties have impacted each one of us in my family. I am searching for new ways to approach life in my family. Mindfulness is suggested in every discipline, program, plan, etc. that I come across. It is also a part of the suggestions here at bpdfamily. I have justified my resistance to consistently practicing mindfulness for years. How do I change this?

Things are better. DD27 is in dual-dx probation program and missing her appointments as is her pattern. We have moved her to a closer location - she will be more accountable without the reasons of too hard to get there or get back there for additional activity on same day. Pray for her to find what she needs internally to at least show up.  She is grateful for move and our support.

Things are better. Gd8 has managed her tummy troubles with a lactose-free diet. We have found a tasty ice cream substitute. That Wendy's frosty led to tummy troubles - confirmation. Continue working with her in therapy. Working toward starting new focus with Attachment Based Family T. Have to do my own work first - then I can be present for gd in a more whole way.

Things are better. Dh is doing well with his job. Being valued. No longer taking a mild tranquilizer during the day to make it through. He has become a rock in my foundation in the past few months. This is new. He shows his commitment a love for me and our girls almost daily. He has opened up and in this vulnerable place shares his hopes and fears for these family relationships. We are finally together in coping with the day to day drama of life together. Working on our "autonomy and interdependence".

In reviewing my favorites list today, I came across some articles bookmarked long ago and forgotten. Here is one that is putting me on a new path - there is no justification for my resistance to becoming a more mindful parent. And in this process, I will become a more mindful qcr. Please enjoy the following excerpt, and let us know how you are doing. How can we here at bpdfamily help with your mindfulness practice?

12 Exercises for Mindful Parenting

With these meditative techniques, raising children can be a spiritual practice.

1.   Try to imagine the world from your child's point of view, purposefully letting go of your own. Do this every day for at least a few moments to remind you of who this child is and what he or she faces in the world.

2.   Imagine how you appear and sound from your child's point of view, i.e., having you as a parent today, in this moment. How might this modify how you carry yourself in your body and in space, how you speak, and what you say? How do you want to relate to your child in this moment?

3.   Practice seeing your children as perfect just the way they are. See if you can stay mindful of their sovereignty from moment to moment, and work at accepting them as they are when it is hardest for you to do so.

4.   Be mindful of your expectations of your children and consider whether they are truly in your child's best interest. Also, be aware of how you communicate those expectations and how they affect your children.

5.   Practice altruism, putting the needs of your children above your own whenever possible. Then see if there isn't some common ground, where your true needs can also be met. You may be surprised at how much overlap is possible, especially if you are patient and strive for balance.

6.   When you feel lost, or at a loss, remember to stand still and meditate on the whole by bringing your full attention to the situation, to your child, to yourself, to the family. In doing so, you may go beyond thinking, even good thinking, and perceive intuitively, with the whole of your being, what needs to be done. If that is not clear in any moment, maybe the best thing is to not do anything until it becomes clearer. Sometimes it is good to remain silent.

7.   Try embodying silent presence. This will grow out of both formal and informal mindfulness practice over time if you attend to how you carry yourself and what you project in body, mind, and speech. Listen carefully.

8.   Learn to live with tension without losing your own balance. In Zen and the Art of Archery, Herrigel describes how he was taught to stand at the point of highest tension effortlessly without shooting the arrow. At the right moment, the arrow mysteriously shoots itself. Practice moving into any moment, however difficult, without trying to change anything and without having to have a particular outcome occur. Simply bring your full awareness and presence to this moment. Practice seeing that whatever comes up is "workable" if you are willing to trust your intuition. Your child needs you to be a center of balance and trustworthiness, a reliable landmark by which he or she can take a bearing within his or her own landscape. Arrow and target need each other. They will find each other best through wise attention and patience.

9.   Apologize to your child when you have betrayed a trust in even a little way. Apologies are healing. An apology demonstrates that you have thought about a situation and have come to see it more clearly, or perhaps more from your child's point of view. But be mindful of being "sorry" too often. It loses its meaning if you are always saying it, making regret into a habit. Then it can become a way not to take responsibility for your actions. Cooking in remorse on occasion is a good meditation. Don't shut off the stove until the meal is ready.

10.   Every child is special, and every child has special needs. Each sees in an entirely unique way. Hold an image of each child in your heart. Drink in their being, wishing them well.

11.   There are important times when we need to be clear and strong and unequivocal with children. Let this come as much as possible out of awareness, generosity, and discernment, rather than out of fear, self-righteousness, or the desire to control. Mindful parenting does not mean being overindulgent, neglectful, or weak; nor does it mean being rigid, domineering, and controlling.

12.   The greatest gift you can give your child is your self. This means that part of your work as a parent is to keep growing in self-knowledge and awareness. This ongoing work can be furthered by making a time for quiet contemplation in whatever ways feel comfortable to us. We only have right now. Let us use it to its best advantage, for our children's sake, and for our own.

Mindfulness expert Jon Kabat-Zinn is the author of Wherever You Go, There You Are. Myla Kabat-Zinn has worked as a childbirth educator, birthing assistant, and environmental activist. Excerpted from Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting. Copyright 1997 by Myla Kabat-Zinn and Jon Kabat-Zinn.

Thank you so much qcarolr the article on mindfull parenting was very helpfull for me 

Thank you for this article

qcarolr,

I am so happy things are better for you.  I've been thinking about you lately.  Thanks for posting that article!  It really is so important that we step back and focus only on how our child feels without analyzing the whys and whether or not their feelings are appropriate.

-crazed

Thank you so very much for posting this.  I am going to print it out so I can read it from time to time.

Griz

Here is the second 'find' from my favorites list:

Ten Ways We Misunderstand Children

(from the Natural Child Project)

1. We expect children to be able to do things before they are ready.

We ask an infant to keep quiet. We ask a 2-year-old to sit still. We ask a 4-year-old to clean his room. In all of these situations, we are being unrealistic. We are setting ourselves up for disappointment and setting up the child for repeated failures to please us. Yet many parents ask their young children to do things that even an older child would find difficult. In short, we ask children to stop acting their age.

2. We become angry when a child fails to meet our needs.

A child can only do what he can do. If a child cannot do something we ask, it is unfair and unrealistic to expect or demand more, and anger only makes things worse. A 2-year-old can only act like a 2-year-old, a 5-year-old cannot act like a 10-year-old, and a 10-year-old cannot act like an adult. To expect more is unrealistic and unhelpful. There are limits to what a child can manage, and if we don't accept those limits, it can only result in frustration on both sides.

3. We mistrust the child's motives.

If a child cannot meet our needs, we assume that he is being defiant, instead of looking closely at the situation from the child's point of view, so we can determine the truth of the matter. In reality, a "defiant" child may be ill, tired, hungry, in pain, responding to an emotional or physical hurt, or struggling with a hidden cause such as food allergy. Yet we seem to overlook these possibilities in favor of thinking the worst about the child's "personality".

4. We don't allow children to be children.

We somehow forget what it was like to be a child ourselves, and expect the child to act like an adult instead of acting his age. A healthy child will be rambunctious, noisy, emotionally expressive, and will have a short attention span. All of these "problems" are not problems at all, but are in fact normal qualities of a normal child. Rather, it is our society and our society's expectations of perfect behavior that are abnormal.

5. We get it backwards.

We expect, and demand, that the child meet our needs - for quiet, for uninterrupted sleep, for obedience to our wishes, and so on. Instead of accepting our parental role to meet the child's needs, we expect the child to care for ours. We can become so focussed on our own unmet needs and frustrations that we forget this is a child, who has needs of his own.

6. We blame and criticize when a child makes a mistake.

Yet children have had very little experience in life, and they will inevitably make mistakes. Mistakes are a natural part of learning at any age. Instead of understanding and helping the child, we blame him, as though he should be able to learn everything perfectly the first time. To err is human; to err in childhood is human and unavoidable. Yet we react to each mistake, infraction of a rule, or misbehavior with surprise and disappointment. It makes no sense to understand that a child will make mistakes, and then to react as though we think the child should behave perfectly at all times.

7. We forget how deeply blame and criticism can hurt a child.

Many parents are coming to understand that physically hurting a child is wrong and harmful, yet many of us forget how painful angry words, insults, and blame can be to a child who can only believe that he is at fault.

8. We forget how healing loving actions can be.

We fall into vicious cycles of blame and misbehavior, instead of stopping to give the child love, reassurance, self-esteem, and security with hugs and kind words.

9. We forget that our behavior provides the most potent lessons to the child.

It is truly "not what we say but what we do" that the child takes to heart. A parent who hits a child for hitting, telling him that hitting is wrong, is in fact teaching that hitting is right, at least for those in power. It is the parent who responds to problems with peaceful solutions who is teaching his child how to be a peaceful adult. So-called problems present our best opportunity for teaching values, because children learn best when they are learning about real things in real life.

10. We see only the outward behavior, not the love and good intentions inside the child.

When a child's behavior disappoints us, we should, more than anything else we do, "assume the best". We should assume that the child means well and is only behaving as well as possible considering all the circumstances (both obvious and hidden from us), together with his level of experience in life. If we always assume the best about our child, the child will be free to do his best. If we give only love, love is all we will receive.

Can you think of examples when you have reacted to our child with misunderstanding?

Do you think mindfulness practice can help you respond in a new way?

What would that look like? feel like? sound like?

You can copy and paste the questions in a reply, then type your response.

qcr