BPDFamily.com

today i find myself thinking about my exBPD wife.

I seem to be stuck. Not able to do any work. I am sitting at my desk, just thinking about her.

In an effort to stop, i am going to write the things you did/said so that i gain proper perspective.

- The day after our marriage, you asked for a divorce, saying i was a mistake.

- we went to therapy, you accused me of being an alcoholic, sexahalic, gay, porn addict.

- i was never secure with you, i was always doing something wrong.

- You fought with my kids, accusing them of stealing, being messy.

- you would disappear at night, not saying were you are going.

- you admitting to cheating, asking me to leave

   

- You were diagnosed with BPD, so you crap on everyone who gets close to you.

- You say you are a victim of parents who did not love you, your first husband, was cruel, now i am painted black.

My only crime was loving you. Somehow, i thought that if you felt love you would love me too. I was a fool.

I am guilty of not standing up for myself. Not seeing what all those around me saw.

I am in pain, my therapist tells me it is because i am normal and i need to greve.

so i greve

You are not alone here, that is why this board is so important.  All of your points are valid and terrible, but one that I think really hit me was that you were never secure with her.  I feel the same way.  Even in the good times there was NO security in the relationship.  It is the only relationship that I have ever been in where there was no security.  And even worse, the closer I got to my ex the more insecure I would feel do to the way she reacted. 

You are not alone here.

Sorry to hear you're having a bad day, but hopefully your list did help you get some perspective.  The point about never feeling secure resonated with me as well.  It's no way to live.  Be strong for you, and know we understand you here.

Sam... I'm starting to sound like a broken record. I read posts like yours and I see a lot of "you's". I know it hurts. Feels like the entire universe collapsed and fell right on top of you. Grieving is healthy. Getting stuck in it is not. You have the ability to pull yourself out of it. All you have to do is stop saying "you" and start saying "I". If we can focus entirely on ourselves we begin to feel better. Happiness is within you. Be strong and be well my friend.

Samthewiss,

Your therapist is right. Grieving is an unavoidable but necessary part of the process of healing. Feeling your feelings is a pivotal part of this journey and it is sometimes difficult for some of us on here because we are so used to "THINKING" our way out of dilemma's.

There is nothing wrong with having loved someone but you cannot love away someone else's mental illness. You are not to blame for her behavior or her sickness and it is certainly no fault of yours that she cannot love herself enough to appreciate the love you have shown her.

Bad days are a part of the process but they will make you stronger. The only way out of the darkness is through.      

Keep posting on here. We're here to validate your experiences on this journey.

Spell

SamtheWiss

You just wrote my own story in so many ways!

I even get the stuck part.  

So, I can only suggest what has worked for me.   I not only write about those feelings, but I also FEEL them.  As deeply as I can stand.  I don't deny.  I don't bargain.  I let the grief go through me.   And I stay with it until I feel the anger of the abuse.  And then I scream and shout.   And I'll literally sing a song out loud until I can no longer feel the grief.  (I'm currently using Red Rubber Ball by Crykle for this).  And I look for my own forgiveness for all the things that I did wrong.  And then the grief takes a back seat to acceptance.  

Of course I have to do this every day!   But each time it gets easier.  

Be well!   Go look at Asher's post nearby.   There you get to see someone who is completely through it!

S

I'm sorry that your having a bad say samthewiss, your in a good place by being here.

Don't be hard on yourself for not standing up for yourself. You were in a FOG and could not see the forest for the trees. We all were. Your self-esteem was being broken down.

This should help: SELF-AWARE: What it means to be in the "FOG" (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)

You are normal by grieving. It hurts a lot samthewiss, it gets better.

sam,

when i first started therapy, my therapist seemed to be trying to figure out what i was feeling.  he has said more than once, your grieveing much like someone has died.  i think a lot of what we feel with these beakups is similar to when someone you love dies. 



hang in there, it has been quite awhile for me and I still have days like you described.  we are normal!  writing things down like you did helps me a lot.