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This is something that I don't want to argue about with my uBPDw. It bothers me though and she blew my feeling off about it saying she has more important things to be concerned about. Short story we have been together 2.5 years I had accepted that she had been married 5 previous times and the person she was engaged to 23 years ago she dumped him because of insecurity reasons. He is the only love interest in her life she has never said anything bad about, she even compared me negatively to him one time. she did apologize.

But now, he finds her on facebook and he chose to do one of those things where they follow a person. She thought I knew about it but just wasnt saying anything about it. One day here in the past week she wanted me to put my name on the facebook account with her, I said ok because we share friends. It was more for the fact that he was a follower. 

should I be upset that she won't take him off as a follower? she said I dont want him to think I have a jealous husband (he may be a nice guy but I dont care what he thinks about me) Im not jealous, just cautious. It's almost like she cares about what he thinks more than what I feel. She spins it like this, she is concerned on how it will make me look. I either live with it or make an issue of it (tired of arguing with people).

out of the blue about a month ago she got a chain email from this guy, nothing personal in it but still weird. one of her friends she talks to still has connections with this person and her friend brings him up from time to time.

I am weary of letting my feelings being trod down. Tired of just letting everything go by.

A couple of weeks ago she asked me a question. she asked is there anything you know about me that I don't know that you know. She would not answer as to what she was referring to ( I dont make an issue of that either)

Sometimes I feel like I have no recourse other than to keep everything bottled up

not to mention that there was a trigger 8 months ago(nothing I did wrong in our marriage) and basically after having a great love life she detached herself from that and last night she told me that she doesnt like it anymore. it seems to bother her she says its mental and that its not me. She doesn't even like kissing me anymore. thanks for reading

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.  But, my personal background strongly influences me on this.  I've been married for 19 years now.  A couple of years ago, my wife's former fiance found her through a mutual friend and after almost 20 years of no contact they began chatting, first by text, then by phone, then by facebook, and then they were making plans to meet in person (he lives about 900 miles away). On at least three occassions, my wife told me she had stopped communicating with him, because I had let her know it bothered me.

I am not the jealous type, but this had red flags all over it.  It took some real battles, but in the end, I am pretty sure she hasn't communicated with him for about a year now).  

So, I would say you need to follow your gut.  Good luck.  

things took a big turn since I posted this. My uBPDw found out yesterday through researching that her ex fiance manages apartment complexes 6 hours away from our home. She wants to contact him personally to ask him for assistance for her son (long story about her son). This would put her in personal contact with this man. If my stepson moves there by chance my wife would be going down to help him get situated which would mean that she would have contact with this ex fiance without me around. I am starting to blow things up in my mind because of all the behavior traits I have read about BPD.

Do BP's use terms such as detachment. Do they detach themselves from people or things in order not to feel emotionally involved or is this something anyone can do?

Often pwBPD have not a good grasp of boundaries i.e. a sense what they should not do. I suspect it is related to impulsiveness which gets them stepping over boundaries all the time. The challenge for us is that we often can't stop this nonsense and if we try we are seen as controlling and no fun. Of course dealing with the fallout is also no fun.

No you are not unreasonable but you may not have full control. Try to think this through from a boundary perspective with a focus on limits for yourself.


Well, using that term is a sign of some psychological basic education. Whether she is using it correctly and what she want to say - who knows.

Attachment is a low level mechanism for human relationships. Detaching happens during break-ups. PwBPD (and often co-dependents too) have less healthy attachment instincts and so relationships are more chaotic. This can take all sorts of different forms like not being able to let go or not being able to form any relationship. PwBPD also suffer from abandonment fear which is related to attachment. While there are cases of pwBPD not being able to attach in a stable manner there are quite many cases where pwBPD form very strong, very long lasting attachments.

On the other hand feeling detached from your self/feelings is a different use of the word. In this case it is more related to dysregulation - disassociation - splitting - out of body experience. It may be a way the mind protects itself from too strong emotions.

In general these mechanisms are not directly controlled by the conscious mind. While lots of the posters on the leaving board wish to detach from the relationship partner in their past they struggle. In fact often the strong anger and revulsion emotion keeps the attachment link longer alive against their will.

you are not unreasonable, go with your gut... .and its not being

jealous, its just for her to respect how you feel about this situation.