BPDFamily.com

So I'm spending the holidays with my family, which includes my BPD sister. There was a huge blow out between the two of us a year and a half ago. We haven't been in the same room since then. We've corresponded via text or email, mostly her telling me how horrible I am and all the wrong I've done (she threatened me with death, told me I was a horrible mother etc etc etc). I tried to correspond the best way I knew how but of course it never ended with resolution.  After the death threats I told her she was no longer welcome into our lives (my young daughter and I) and three weeks after doing so I got the big apologetic email. 

I have only recently found this most valuble site. I still have a lot of hurt, but am starting to accept that she has this effed up disorder and that's why she is the way she is and she will most likely never be able to own up to the hurt and manipulation she has inflicted upon me (and everyone else in the family).

I'm nervous to be in the same room as her and am going to do my best to not engage and use SET, but I'm so new at this and not sure if I can keep it together.

I'm wondering if any of you have had to be in the same room as a family member with BPD after no contact and how that went?

I'm super nervous, want to protect my daughter, and not get caught up her drama. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Warm thoughts to all.

My first response would be to not be there at all.  If there were bonafide death threats, why would you want to subject yourself or children to that again?  If there are other family members whom you care about, see if you can't schedule a different time to see them.

My hunch about the "big apologetic e-mail" (I received a similar Christmas card recently) is because she just wanted you back under her thumb and control, not that she actually meant it.  Them having BPD/NPD or any other PD doesn't excuse their actions, nor does it mean we have to take it.

Welcome Starrynite.  Sorry to hear you've had such a difficult time with your sister.  You may have already read this forum on Boundaries, but if not, this might help you determine your boundaries and how you want to protect your boundaries. https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

Are you currently NC?  SET is more intended for people who are staying in the relationship and want to help the pwBPD with validation and support to help them deal with their own problems.  However if it still helps you meet your goals, there's nothing wrong with using it.  If you want to stay NC, then it's probably best just to not engage in conversation. You don't have to talk to her.  If you get sucked into an argument, try and remember these:

"* Don't argue

* Don't defend

* Don't justify

* Don't explain

* Don't counter attack

* Take care of yourself and take a time out."

This was from a thread about circular arguments, which has been most helpful for me: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0  It's all about finding a technique that works for you.  Don't worry if you aren't perfect at first or you need to change because the first technique you try doesn't fit well with your sis - everyone's different and not everything is going to work for everyone.  I'm still fairly new to this too and working through what I think will work best as well.

I'm also going to back Botswana's guess that in the "apologetic e-mail" your sister apologized without admitting she had done anything wrong.  It took me awhile after finding this site before I was able to let go of the fact that my uBPD mom will never give a real apology.

Feel free to post more as you're comfortable.  We're here for you.

Botswana Agate: I wish I could avoid this but I live about 3000km away from my family. I share my daughter with my ex so that means every second xmas we go back home for the holidays when I have her. I suggested to my Mum us not coming and it almost broke her heart. then I tried to explain to my Mum that I didn't want my sister there, for obvious reasons, and she left it up to me to speak to her to request that she not come. That of course did not go well... .

I am currently NC, although with the season and going home I've asked if we could go see her therapist. Some days she's into it, some days she's not. The ball is in her court. She knows I'll go to a counseling session, but its all dependent if she's 'having a good day or a bad day'.

I guess ultimately I'll have to have a plan to go somewhere else at any time if things escalate. I fortunately have friends in the area that I can find sanctuary with.

I can't engage with her at all and I don't want to.

Sitara, thank you for the bulleted list. I'll check out the link too. I've been seeing a counsellor and she suggested that I send my sister an email expressing my boundaries. My challenge with that is how to word it so that she doesn't take it so negatively, but really I have nothing positive to say to her.

I know I don't have to take her abuse and manipulation and I've been able to avoid it up until this holiday season... .I'm just nervous mostly about what my daughter may witness. Yup, I'm a bit scared and nervous... .

Hi Starry night. I have some practical suggestions. Definitely have your own car, don't be stranded without control of your own transportation. I would go to bed at the same time your daughter goes, sitting up with the adults will lead to trouble. See if you can chaperone a group to the movies-- no talking is always good. This holiday will be a challenge, but keeping busy should help--be the cook, dishwasher, organize skating, sledding, skiing forays.

As much as possible skip the heart to hearts, in my experience the BPD's love these as they see it as a wonderful time to get sympathy, vent about their terrible plight and generally make rash, upsetting statements.

Good luck, hope it goes okay. Take care of yourself and family, first!

 

I have two family members I want to go NC with but instead it's VLC (very low contact) because of things like holidays and family parties. I don't want to cut my kids off from the family and that's pretty much the only way I could do it.

I don't handle it very well so I can't give much advice on that front, but you're not alone  

With your daughter though, just talk to her at her level if things happen. I don't badmouth my relatives to my kids but I don't lie to them either. My kids are a lot older than yours though, but still, if Aunt screams or does something, you leave with your daughter and then explain to her "Aunt is not a happy person and I feel bad for her, but I don't want to be around people who are acting mean like that, so that's why we left". Keep it simple so she can understand. I also suggest only talking to your daughter about things she's personally experienced. That's what I do with my kids. I haven't told them about my childhood or things their aunt says about them. They don't like my sister simply because she's not nice to them and that is what we discuss.

Because of my family and how I was raised, I feel it's *very* important that my children learn that we don't put up with abuse just because they're "family" or "they love you" or whatever. If your sister acts up, you do what you need to do and your daughter will be ok  

Thank you Thank you Thank you   everyone for your thoughts and advice. I've taken some notes and will read them over and over to remind me.

I'm going to try and avoid her as much as possible. I really like the keeping busy part!

My Mum has given me full access to her vehicle in case we need to leave-as much as she's kind of in denial, she also supports me the way I need in dealing or (ha!) not dealing with my sister.

I'll let you know how it goes.

I hope you all have a nice Christmas free from drama.

Thank you again