BPDFamily.com

it's been a while since i have written, and things got so bad over the past few months.  unbelievable.  most of the family had gone limited or no contact with her.

my sister was found dead in her home yesterday. 

I'm not on this board but I am so,so sorry for your loss

Hi Froggy,

Just want to say I am so, so sorry for your loss. My dBPD has attempted suicide many times and I know she must have taken a part of you with her.

I would say please don't feel guilty. I know it's a natural reaction but suicide rates are very high in people with BPD and it is a hard mental illness to live with. Try and remember good things about her and forget the 'what ifs' that I know I go through all the time with my sister. There's nothing you could have done to change the circumstances and you can't take responsibility for what happened.

I don't know what else to say, you must be in turmoil. Just know there are people here to talk to. Take care.

Oh my goodness, stymied. I'm so sorry.   

How are you doing? Please know that there are many of us here for you. 

I remember your story about her past suicide attempts.  How very tragic.

We are here for you. I've lived through a completed suicide - it's really hard.

Skip

I'm so very sorry, stymied 

That has got to be one of the hardest things to deal with, and I know it must be so painful. My own BPDs36 has been hospitalized for Suicidal Ideations in the past, and I know the feelings of helplessness my husband and I went through during those dark times. Only by the grace of God did he not complete the desire, and I know you've dealt with that, too, in the past.

Please know we are here for you, and you are certainly in my prayers 

stymied,

I am so very sorry for your loss.  I can't even imagine the pain your family is experiencing.  I truly hope you all can bond together and get through this terrible grieving process.  So very sad.  This can be such a horrible, life stealing illness.

-crazed

Stymied, sincere condolences for your loss. Wishing you comfort and peace. 

I am so sorry for your loss, stymied.

I've lost someone to suicide and it really is a whole different kind of grief to process thru. I pray that you can find as much comfort and peace right now. 

Please know that we are all here for you. 

~DreamGirl

Hi Stymied and 

My sincere condolences go out to you and your entire family.  It will probably be a tough grieving process, but remember that you are not alone. 

Your sister is finally at peace.  Please take solace in that.

I've read some of your past posts and know that you felt immense guilt over some necessary actions you took.  This was not your fault. 

Stymied

Our thoughts and prayers are with you.  Many of us are aware it could us posting the death of a loved one, and our hearts break for you.

Please know that in all likelihood there is nothing you could have done to stop your sister. Once pwBPD decide they cannot deal with the pain of life, they will find an opportunity no matter how hard friends and family try to save them.  You have not failed your sister. No one is to blame except her BPD.

Bpd is devastating and cruel.  Like cancer, our arsenal of weapons is not yet up to winning every battle, no matter how hard we fight.  I am so sad for your family.

Please let us know what we can do to help you get through this very difficult time.  We are here to support you in any way we can.  

You have our deepest sympathy.  

You have my sincere condolences.  Her internal pain must have been too much.

Best wishes.

stymied

   I know that there are no magic words to lessen the loss that you are feeling.  I am deeply sorry for you and am aware that it will make the holidays a tough time.  Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

                                                            Tightrope Walker

She is at peace.

My uBPDh's brother took his life 14 months ago. We were frightened of him and had gone no contact. He was probably Antisocial PD; not sure he ever got a diagnosis. He collected weapons, threatened people, was estranged from his wife and children, was unemployable and in legal, financial, and medical trouble. Sometimes these people paint themselves into a corner.

It was nonetheless a shock to my H, as I'm sure it is to you. He developed some medical problems of his own that kept us concerned for several months. Losing a first-degree family member is always stressful, and suicide makes it doubly so. Please look after your health in every way.

After the initial grief, you may feel relief, like we did. That man had reached the end of the line and exhausted all of his chances with others. Left alone with himself, he self-destructed. It was the final stage.

Hi stymied

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your sister.

Its a very hard time for yourself. I hope you have friends on your side.

You are in my heart and thoughts. 

Hello and thank you all so much for your kindness & support.  You all touched on so many feelings I am experiencing--I am grateful to not feel so alone in this.

I know I did everything in my power to help, but when my sister's behavior became more and more frightening, I had no choice but to go LC.  My little girl begged me not to answer the phone when she saw her aunt's number on the caller ID and I was getting sicker from the stress.

Now we are focusing even more on her daughters who sadly lost their father in early 2012.  That was the trigger for the ratcheting up of my sister's already engrained Bpd behaviors, and she descended into the depths of her own private hell, never to return.

Her need for contact grew like a mushroom and was insatiable, but her words were so vicious and terrifying, no one could be with her.  Her kids were being drained of their life forces and scarred so deeply on an emotional level.  I hope they are able to find their way to healing after this tragedy.  They are orphans now, but we are here for them.

I thank you all so much and am very grateful.  We haven't told our own child so she can have a 'normal' holiday season.  We will tell her about her aunty after next week.

Blessings to you all. 

Stymied I'm very sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. 

stymied, thinking of you! How are you going?

I saw your post-subject and just wanted you to know that you are thought of... .

I am not in this group, but here to say I am so sorry what you had to experience.

This disease hits hard.

I can imagine (or probably I can not... .) what you are experience right now.  :'(

stymied, I'm sending you prayers.   Let us know how you're doing, and you, your daughter and your nieces are in my thoughts.

I'm sorry for your loss.   :'(

Hello,

Thank you, again, for the continued thoughts and support.

It has been a difficult few days, with my main focus being getting things squared at the mortuary.  My nieces are sort of in hiding, which I understand.  I have come down with a terrible cold and have been hibernating myself.  Guilt bubbles up to the surface, but my sense of relief seems to eclipse it.  I feel horrible saying that, but it's true.

Part of me is still in shock I guess.

If I didn't have little ones, I wouldn't even bother with Christmas this year.

Bless you all.  And thank you.  Xoxox

stymied

This is such a hard time of year to deal with a major loss.  Of course, you are still in shock.  Don't do any more for Christmas than you can deal with.  You have so much on your mind, and people will understand.  Not feeling well does not help.

We are all thinking of you and praying for you and your nieces.  May God bless you all with peace and the ability to find comfort in each other.

Feel better soon, and please take care.

Love and thoughts to you and the children

Good luck to you all

Stymied -

my sincere condolences.

words fall short of being able to convey the comfort and courage I hope to send your way.

'ducks

Dear Stymied,

I am so sorry for your loss. I will pray for you and your family to find peace and comfort thru such a tragic loss. Know that her Spirit is close by you.

Will pray that her children heal from this tragedy although how do you ever.

Stay strong

Dear stymied,

You are being strong for the little ones... .

Such a terrible loss - I am so sorry you have to be going through this when the kiddos are expecting happiness and joy. It would be terrible at any time of the year. 

How's your health, are you feeling better?

Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate.  It has been a bizarre day for my family.  None of us even feel like it's a holiday, but kept things going for the kids.  My mother didn't celebrate at all today.

I want to take advantage of everyone's offer of support here, but I don't know what to even ask.  I  finally on the other side of the flu and have just been moving forward, not feeling, not thinking.  I can't bring myself to look at the last emails she sent me.  She was begging me to call.  I couldn't do it, and I know that if I had resumed contact she would have only started the same sick pattern again.  I enabled her to just engage in these circular, raging tirades about everyone.  But there is a part of me that wonders... .

There probably always will be.

Peace be with you all.

 Oh stymied, words can't express how sorry I am that you're going through this. Remember that ultimately it was her choice to end her life, and that's not something you were responsible for. It sounds like you know deep down that she was very unhappy.

You don't need to ask--there are many of us here if you need someone to listen.

Stymied, I can imagine the pain and confusion you and your family must be in, having been through something similar, my thoughts are with you

Terribly sorry to hear what has happened.  :'(  Please know that you're in our thoughts and prayers.   

Chayka

hi stymied. my sincerest condolences on your terrible loss. i wish you all the strength, and i second what geeky girl said, in addition to the support you have irl there are more hear who will be happy to listen.

stymied,

   How are you doing? 

                                           Tightrope walker

Stymied,

I'm saddened to hear of the loss of your sister.  I cannot even imagine what you are going through.  Please know that her decision had nothing to do with you.  She was mentally ill.  My prayers go out for you and your family.  Peace be with you.

Phoenix.Rising

I am so sorry.  My brother has tried it 2x and somehow survived, but it is never easy.  short of staring at them 24 hours a day, you can't prevent a person from doing that, no matter what you said or did.  I am on another board, similar to this, and a woman's son committed suicide last week (he had similar issues).  I also have a friend who took his own life last month (he had a great career and family but longtime depression).  I hope you have people to share in the grieving and that you can share the good memories you have and not blame yourselves for the bad.  Here is a (hug).

hello,

it has been a while since i have checked in and i wanted to thank you all, again, for your kind and supportive posts.  i don't know when i will need to stop hearing/reading that there was nothing we could have done to prevent this tragic outcome, so i am grateful for the consistent messages you are sending me.

the memorial is in 2 weeks.  the question whether i will write and deliver a eulogy has been posed, but i cannot do it.  i simply don't have words to describe how i feel about all of this.

i am up to my eyeballs in papers because she died without a will and there is no surviving spouse and her children are too young to manage it all.  i feel like a terrible person, but i can't wait for this to be over and done with so i can concentrate on my own life again.

i hope the new year is bringing you all peace.

with gratitude,

stymied

stymied, I've been wondering about you--thank you for checking in. 

You're not a terrible person for wanting this to be over. Not only are you grieving, but you're also dealing with some tough administrative and legal tasks. That would be hard on just about anyone. How are you taking care of yourself these days?


That's ok too. You don't have to say anything. We all grieve differently, and some people grieve more privately than others. This might be a good time to set some limits with the rest of your family. If you're not comfortable delivering the eulogy, there's nothing wrong with asking someone else to deliver it.

hi stymied. my sympathies again, this is a long-term process. please keep posting here from time to time, posters here really are concerned to give support.


i said nothing at my father's funeral, even after a bit of cajoling from the priest. i haven't felt regret. don't force yourself if it's not in you.


this is very hard and again i sympathise. along with the explosion of my marriage i'm facing my physical deterioration of my emotionally unstable mother and the mountain of arrangements that go with it. make a list and take things one at a time. please pace yourself. reach out for whatever help is available. now is the time to do that.

stymied

SO glad to hear from you. 

I did not speak at my brother's funeral.  There was nothing left to say. He also was found dead in his home in another city.  He was single, lived alone, retired, reclusive, and he traveled a lot.  The ME estimated he died from sudden heart failure weeks before he was found.  He was 56.

Close friends and co-workers spoke at his funeral.  My sisters and I just could not do it.  We were too traumatized.  No one saw this coming.

Do not feel guilty if you choose not to do a eulogy.  It is ok.  Some things are better left to others.

Give yourself time to heal and focus on the children.  They need all the love and support the family can muster.

God bless you. 

Adding my voice to the others who assure you that you should feel no pressure whatsoever to eulogize your sister. It is enough to grieve and to listen to others. First-degree family members are often not appropriate for delivering eulogies because their feelings are too unsettled. Just like close relatives are often not a good choice for pallbearers.

I didn't speak when my uBPDmom died suddenly in her fifties, when I was in my thirties. I was a mess. However, one of my half-brothers spoke and he was surprisingly "together" about it and quite memorable.

When the recent suicide of my uBPDh's brother occurred, my H and I did not even attend the memorial/funeral. He stays as far away from his family of origin as possible. They trigger him too much and they are often downright abusive. It was another case in which nothing could have been done; my brother-in-law was intent on self-destruction and had alienated everyone.

Stymied,

I'm glad to hear you are doing alright even though it may not feel that way.  You definitely have a lot on your plate right now.  It helps me to take things one day at a time when I am feeling overwhelmed.  You will get through this and life will again settle down a bit.  Easy does it right now.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I agree with the others in that there is nothing wrong with not wanting to deliver a eulogy.  We are all keeping you in our thoughts.   

Phoenix.Rising

I'm very sorry for you loss. My father committed suicide 14 years ago. It is definitely a different kind of grief.

Stymied,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss and sincerely hope that the children are doing alright. It cannot be easy for them right now after losing both parents and can't imagine what they too must be feeling right now  

As for your comment about sense of relief, that is perfectly normal and you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did everything you could and more.

My Step-father committed suicide 5 years ago. Non-pwBPD but a severe alcohol problem he refused to acknowledge. Eventually it got too much for him. I know for me, those feelings of relief are because you know they aren't tortured anymore and can finally be at peace.

Stay strong