BPDFamily.com

Brief history of my situation.  At the end of August my exBPDgf and I broke up.  Within a week she was living with my replacement, engaged six weeks after that, and married on the 14th of this month.  We are NC now after she sent me a nasty text message about how horrible I am on my birthday last month.

Anyway, this morning I learned that she was planning on moving with her new husband in February.  I have done my best not to know anything about her, but despite asking people not to talk to me about her, people continue to do so.  My initial response was one of joy.  She would be gone.  No worries about running into her.  No worries about the smear campaign she has been on.  It was good news.

As the day has gone on I have started to feel anxiety about the whole thing.  As I looked into the feelings I was having, I realized something, something I don't want inside of me.  There still is a part of me that wants her back... .damn it.  Damn it!

I'm actually taking this harder then when I learned that she was getting married.  There is this dark, little place in my mind that was secretly wishing that her marriage would fail and she would come back to me and everything would be magic and wonderful again.  Why do our conscious minds and subconscious minds not get along?  Why would I want this woman back? 

I fell in love with an illusion.  She lied, she cheated, she manipulated, she abandoned me, she did her best to ruin my reputation, and yet a part of me still wants her.  99% of me is glad she gone.  99% of me despises her, knows what she is, and knows how any relationship with her will end.  Yet, that 1% still seems to be holding out hope.  Unrealistic, crazy hope.

I hate this. 

This is temporary. The feeling of longing for her will go away.  It may take a really long time. But it will.

I don't think it's particularly dark to hope her marriage fails. In a purely objective, non-negative way, I think it's realistic to know that it will. You saw what she did with you and it WILL happen with the next person. Realistic long term relationships don't start with a marriage after 7 weeks. That's a fact.

Her moving can only be a good thing. The anxiety will pass. Sit with it for now. Experience it. Feel it. Understand it. See if you can get to the bottom of what it is. It's a long process but I guarantee it's not totally related to her - your own wounds from before you even met her are opening up. There is more to it. If you seek it and find it, you can understand it and heal from it, eventually thriving.

Very wise words, I thank you for them.  You are correct, it's not so much her but the wounds that keep being ripped open in relation to her.  Once I was able to calm myself down enough to think through things rationally I realize it's not her leaving that is the problem.  Life will be better knowing she is not in this town.  It did, however trigger deep fears of abandonment that date back to childhood.  Like so many things with her, it goes back to my messed up childhood and BPD mother. 

Thank you again.