BPDFamily.com

 

I just posted this in the  [L1] New Members: Please post here first, but I'd like to share it here with so many others who are torn between staying and leaving and how we feel. For me it's I'm staying but I want to leave and then when I decide to its I'm leaving but I want to stay. I've read many other posts along those same lines. Hope this is okay to post again.

What a treasure trove to find this place, as I've seen so many agree on how fortunate they feel to of found a place where they can talk to people who are going through what they go through. Have gone through what they went through. How nice to find others that can relate.

Besides this forum, I have no one to whom I can confide in and may relate. I have no past experience to compare this to.  I felt utterly alone and lost until I found you all. So I feel I should make my existence known.

Me and his BPD: My never ending circle

I love you so much! I'm flying

Ouch! How could you hurt me? I'm crying!

Trust you not to hurt me again? I'm trying!

Ouch! You hurt me again? Why were you lying?

But I love you so much! So I'll keep trying!

Ouch! Now I think you may keep hurting me until I'm dying.

Why do I still love you so much and keep trying?

Why do I keep crying? Why must you keep lying?

Repeat the poem above again and again and again…

We met on a whim through an online dating site due to a whirlwind of, "Omg, no effin way... .I've never felt like this before either!" It's true what I've read, I couldn't explain it until I saw it in my desperate searches for answers.  How deeply you feel like you have finally met the one person you were truly meant to be with, the electricity, the outright yelling THANK YOU SWEET JESUS for giving me this person, for finding someone who makes me feel the way he does, for finally finding someone who I'm so compatible with and everything I've ever wanted or could dream of.

That was me, flying higher than I ever have before... .This is me now, having my magic flying rug pulled out from under me so fast and hard and so many times now... .falling so far from flying so high and hitting the ground very, very hard.

Now I feel like I don’t even know who this person is and maybe I never did.  I feel like I’ve gone through too much… Serial cheating “Electronically” and sexually only (nothing physical or emotional) begging, pleading and hysterical crying for my forgiveness and another chance, pathological lying (about big stuff, small stuff... .it never matters and is so stupid) suicide attempts in my home when I decide to leave him including ambulance calls, hospital visits and complete FOG for me.  He only wants me when he thinks he is losing me or can’t have me. I’m not allowed to express any negative feelings or emotions or I pay for it, I have to pretend like I’m happy and everything is fine or I pay for it.  The, I would be homeless and I have no one or I will kill myself if I can’t be with you card is played every time I try to ship him home (he’s from another state) which works and makes me feel unbelievably guilty. Distancing, faster mood swings than I noticed at first and feeling like I am being manipulated.  Plus quite a few other things I can’t think of at the moment. He’s never angry, about anything. He never rages, he gets upset with himself or upset with things at work and voices opinions and dislike but it’s not anger and I’ve never seen him angry.  Any time something happens that is upsetting or something someone should get angry for he just retreats inward (if it is my fault or thought it is somehow my fault I get emotionally punished for days).  I’m constantly trying everything I can think of to keep him happy so that I don’t get hurt emotionally, it’s never enough.  I live everyday in fear and in anticipation of him hurting me again.  I’m hyper vigilant, obsessing and feel completely crazy.  Since he admitted that he thinks he has BPD I’ve spent most of my time researching, reading, re-reading, ordering books, printing information, highlighting anything that applies to him and our relationship, asking myself a million questions, constantly trying to figure out why?  I’ll never know.

When I write down the things that I’m noticing I refer to him by his name when he is his sweet, normal and his happy self.  When he actually “sees” me and cares about my needs and puts in the effort towards our relationship.  When I actually see life in his bright blue eyes and he looks at me and around like he’s actually here and like he actually realizes how wonderful I am and how much I do for him.  When he’s “gone” I refer to him in my notes as Anti- and then his name.  That’s when his eyes are cold and distant. That’s when he only cares about his wants and needs and just, takes, takes, takes.  That’s when he has already lied or done something that will hurt me or when he is about to. That’s when he is like a robot, going through the motions and only doing the bare minimum.  That’s when I feel so alone even though he is sitting or laying right next to me. 

Why do I stay? Love, hope, fear, obligation, guilt, yearning, lust, compassion…but mostly because of fear and guilt.  Fear: I’m so afraid that by giving him up then I will be giving up the one person who had completely filled the voids that I have, the one person I thought I was truly meant to be with and the one person who would be the best thing that ever happened to me if he didn’t lie, cheat and distance himself.  In being on this forum I’ve seen that both the good and the bad sides of these people are who they are and you have to be willing to accept both. You cannot change them. I will not be able to accept the bad actions if they don’t stop and with all the reading it seems likely that they won’t.  Guilt: It would eat me alive if he killed himself after we broke it off.  No matter how much I could tell myself that I am not responsible for anybody else’s actions, not matter how much I could convince myself it wasn’t me.  Plain and simple, me being who I am, I can live in a world where him and I are not together.  I cannot live in a world where he doesn’t exist.

What I’m doing: I have a scheduled appointment with a therapist the second week of January.  No one could get me in before the holidays.  I’m hoping seeing a therapist will help me feel like I don’t need him to be so happy and help me with those codependency/people pleasing/sacrificing issues.  I’m also hoping a therapist will help me to feel better about the responsibility I feel to not kick him out and the guilt I would feel regarding everything I mentioned.  If I can get there then I will happily separate.  In the mean time I’ve been reading, researching, practicing emotionally detaching, validation for him and myself, taking more time to myself and more care of myself…as many of the helpful tools that I have come across. Also, removing myself physically from the situation and the house when I find out about something or am angry has helped tremendously.  He doesn’t lie for as long or blame me as much and say hurtful things and usually fesses up a lot sooner and a lot better and apologizes for the wrong doing a lot sooner.  We seem to do that whole back and forth on how the other is being so irrational a lot less now.

What he’s doing: He has willingly given up all tools used to “electronically cheat” but really that just scares the crap out of me thinking if he doesn’t have those resources what will he go to next? Physically? He has willingly admitted to a lot of the symptoms of BPD and that he needs help.  I added him to my insurance before this huge mess spiraled so far but it doesn’t go into effect until January 1st. He says he wants to go to therapy, wishes he were normal, wishes he didn’t have to go through these processes, wishes I didn’t have to go through these processes with him because he doesn’t want to hurt me and hopes he will learn a bunch of things from talking to a therapist and DBT to help everything he’s done to me that ruined our relationship and basically what he’s done and how he has screwed up his whole life that he hates.  He’s done better about expressing actual feelings and thoughts, listening to mine after an “argument” and communicating/agreeing with my boundaries and expressing some of his own.  The problem for me is he or they always seem to “forget” so easily and if I’m not the one putting in the work or initiating then nothing gets done/changes.  I’m tired of that.

I think the relationship is destroyed beyond repair. I’m constantly worried and overwhelmed to the point where I constantly feel like I am about to explode.  My ability for patience, understanding, forgiveness, selflessness and rational for another’s views/sides/opinion has never been tested so much or stretched so thin.  I can’t find in me how I am going to get over what’s already happened and the trust issues.  I found myself and find myself being much crazier than he can seem at times and not so much of the person I truly am.  I think therapy will either help me become strong enough to leave him and get back who I am or with him going to therapy to he will be able to change the impulsive actions that drove a wedge between us in the first place and allow me to have/help with the healing I need.  I am not hopeful of the latter but I guess If I can go from flying to falling without thinking I would ever fall, why can’t I go from feeling like I’ll never fly again to soaring? Because that seems like it would take some magic fairy dust to be able to fly again and as far as I know, magic fairy dust doesn’t exist.

I feel stuck, I am in love. I know I contradict myself a lot and sorry for the long read.  Thanks so much to everyone sharing their stories on this site and being there for one another.  I hope to be a part of this community in as much of the positive and helpful way I found it.

Kay, I also dated a Waif.  She was very similar in a lot of ways to your BF.  She only raged once in 3 years.  I totally triggered her that day but didn't really care anymore because I caught her cheating and was done.  Because the Waifs don't rage it is so difficult to detach.  They can be so affectionate at times but the lies, manipulation and the secretive life at the end of the day are too much for a sane person to take.  I also felt like I needed to take care of my Waif but like many articles and people on her state, the waif survived before you met them and they will survive when you leave.  They are not as helpless as they seem.  They are survivors and have programmed themselves to cope with their issues.

Your BF may start therapy but the odds that he sticks with it are pretty slim unless he is lower functioning.  What are the odds that you guys can last until he shows improvement in therapy even if he does stick with it?  It is very hard to leave and no one can make that decision for you, but you will eventually leave.  If he senses that you are going to leave him he will line up a replacement and leave you first.  

This is a horrible disease where nobody wins.  It is a dilemma that can not be solved.  It is a means with no end.  Try to build up your strength and prepare yourself an exit strategy.  It is so difficult I know.  Life does get better.  I am just over 3 months out and I no longer hurt when I think about her.  I still think about her and the situation many times a day.  My mind is still processing even 3 months later but I can tell you that I would not let her back in my life.  I miss her but know that I would only damage myself if I let her back in because it is an endless circle and I realize that their are better options out there for me.  Therapy has helped me get to this point and I have a totally different outlook in life after 3 months.  You will get to this point too once you clear your head from the FOG.  

Hi Waifed, thank you for your reply and sharing your experience and feelings.  I don't think I can make it until he gets better in therapy if he even does. He is higher functioning.  What I am trying to do is make my home life a little easier until I go to therapy and can feel strong enough to let this person go.  I feel that it is highly unlikely that our relationship will last and I'm putting no stock into it anymore.  I just can't sever the ties yet.

Yes, they can be extremely affectionate but also yes, the lies and manipulation are way to much for anyone to take. 

I am going to take your advice on building my strength and coming up with an exit strategy.  They only reason I came to that conclusion is by reading on here about how you can never get things back to the way they were, how they do not change and the biggest factor... .seeing people like you post about how they ended it and how even though it's one of the hardest things, that months or even years after they feel a lot better about it.  It gives me hope and puts a light at the end of the tunnel that I may come out okay and better in the end.  So thank you again for your reply!

kay, my ex was a waif and I would describe him as very childlike. His childlike qualities is what attracted me - he was playful, carefree and fun. My childhood dictated that I was a little adult well before I was ready. My father is likely to be BPD and I grew up and developed a suit of armour very early on in my teens. I became a serious, independent and responsible adult - my ex was a shining light.

He was much of what you describe - accept he was very inward and his suicidal ideations were not known to me until the break up. He acted helpless, needy, childlike and paranoid. He had a very tough time at work because he was so super sensitive. He was convinced that his boss was out to expose him. He relied heavily on his father to run his life and his father was a classic narcissist - my ex always was striving for his father's acceptance.

His mother was an a typical Queen BPD mixed in with Waif - quite unbelievable to watch how she works the family. My ex despised her yet served her. It was a very bad mix.

Boundaries were very difficult with my ex because he would cry, thrown tantrums and emotionally shutdown. He would stare at me a lot - blankly - he looked up to me for answers and approval - I was essentially his mother. He would however turn and rage occasionally but mostly he was the child and I was the punitive parent. This role between us became unbearable and I could not have sex with him, could not look at him, could not trust him (he also had many emotional affairs) and could not serve him anymore.

I became resentful and the final bow was that he decided after wanting children all this time - he now didn't. All that we had discussed in the beginning of the relationship he now didn't want and even went said he never wanted it.

It was then I realised about BPD. He told me as much.

Kay, a waif acts helpless yet is very resourceful. Trust that he really doesn't need you to fix his life - changing it is way too scary for him. He won't change without therapy.

If you wish to work on this relationship, you both need some help independent of one another. Its great you are here - you can learn a lot of good skills to protect you from obligation and guilt, boundaries and how to accept to an extent the nature of his illness.

Your partner does need therapy however he needs to seek it out for himself. We cannot stay on the proviso that they get help - you will wait a long time.

We do have voids - and yes they can fill them temporarily however no one person can make us happy if we can't do that for ourselves. Your decision on where to from here, with your BPDbf will come - which ever way you decide you will be OK.

I am amazed when I read over and over again how this happens, because it happened to me. I felt like I knew her my whole life, I was in love by day three, she was an EXACT FIT for me, I now know better... That kind of thing is so rare... .It's the BPD Setup.

Mine is a crazy raging lunatic, so unfortunately I have no waif advice.

But the best of luck and love to you!

-M in FL