BPDFamily.com

I have been with my BPD-traits wife for 5 years, married for 2.  It started out wonderfully, but started to become difficult after about a year.  Looing back, I see the times when I should have recognized the red flags and walked away, but there was always charm to go with it.  I also learned that I will give to others instead of taking care of myself.  I work in a field with families and I knew what her anger and punishment could do, but I stood by and watched it happen.  I came in with 2 children, her with 1.  I have seen her daughter grow to a 12 year-old who I used to try and protect, but now have to be careful around.  She is acting out and instead of my wife acknowledging what she has done, she continues to blame everyone else.  I used to have my children 50/50 but had to switch to less over the past year due to the chaos.  2 years ago I almost broke.  I was coping terribly and hated myself.  I let her mean words define me and I was hanging by a thread.  I went to get some help for myself and over the past year I have been using the coping strategies and I have built some confidence back.  I thought I could stay with someone with BPD-traits and still have control over mysefl.  Last weekend, her daughter had an incident and since then, my wife has been pushing me away and blaming me.  She followed the silent treatment up with so much rage, saying the worst things imaginable by text and to my face.  I continued to stay in control and not engage.  Last night, she dumped water on my head and took my ipad and threatened to throw it off the deck.  When I told her I would call the police if she did that (I regret saying this), she started saying she would call the police on me.  I called my dad to let him know things were getting difficult and she called the police.  She didn't make any false accusations, but claimed to be intimidated that I called my father, saying she felt unsafe.  I work with law enforcmeent so this stuff puts my job at risk and she knows it.  I left for the night and when I left, I told myself I couldn't continue to put everything I value at risk for this relationship.  When I woke up this mornign I was hoping she would be sorry or maybe want to get some help, but it's just more of the same.  If she's escalating to this level, I worry she could call and make a false claim against me and she knows that would cost me everything.  I feel that this should be it.  My family and friends have been telilng me to get out for years and they can't  fathom me staying.  It's tough because she's so broken, despite being very successful in her work life, at home she is emotionally chaotic and sees none of it as her fault.  I've been building my skills hoping they would lead to a moderately happy marriage and have always wanted to stay with her, but now I wonder if I need to use these skills to leave.  I'm worried about her response and if I'm ready.  I could use some feedback.  Thanks so much.

Love,

  I am not an expert on this but in my opinion you have taken a big step by coming here. You are in an abusive situation. You need to get help and get out. Maybe someone on here can provide some more resources? There are people with a wealth of knowledge on here.

You are taking the right steps to protect yourself and your child.

Unfortunately by calling the police she has stepped it up a notch.  What will she do next?  My ex called the cops at the end of our relationship.  I didn't think she had it in her.  It just goes to show you that they are capable of doing unimaginable things when they are stressed.  If your livelihood can be affected by this it may not be safe for you to be anywhere behind closed doors with her.  That could change once she calms down but unfortunately they tend to push things further and further to maintain control.  

No one can really tell you when it is time to leave.  You have to be ready and willing to do so.  You will know when that time comes.  If she senses that you are about to leave expect her to start looking for a replacement.  That is when all Hell will really break loose because she will begin detaching from you.  

Another thing to consider is the fact that holidays can be a big trigger for pwBPD.  I don't know if this has anything to do with her recent behavior or if this is just one of many episodes.

Hang in there.  Stick to the boards for support and consider returning to a therapist.  It is a tough road but you will feel relieved once you get there.  

Waifed,

  Why are the holidays a trigger?

I ask this because my ex just nixed me October 30th, right before Halloween, my birthday, my holiday party, Christmas and New Year.

I just found out she was in the hospital for back issues. She seemed to have psychosomatic issues right before any big event or holiday. She is with my replacement who just lost her job, mother is in hospice dying, is trying to hide she is in a lesbian relationship.

I am curious if this is stressing my ex. I am sure it is but curious.

Seeking

I hope you also posted this on the undecided board, the perspective there is different.

Consider that BPD is an attachment disorder, with fears of abandonment running wild.

Actually leaving can cause the behavior of a person with BPD to worsen.  Dramatically.

When I left my Ex, she became frankly psychotic.   You have children involved, please plan carefully for all possibilities.

'ducks

Hey SH2,

I have been in your shoes, my friend, and like you even had water dumped over my head when I was sound asleep on the couch!  Anyone in a r/s with a pwBPD is almost certainly ignoring red flags, so you are not the first, and usually that ambivalence is accompanied by a rationalization that the craziness is temporary, when it isn't.  In fact, it can get a lot worse, which you are finding out.

I echo Waifed that the tipping point is different for everyone.  For me, it had something to do with feeling completely depleted in an all-encompassing way, like having no gas left in the tank, with no way to recharge or refuel.  I was heading down a road that leads off a cliff and barely got out of the car in time.

It seems like you have a supportive father, and maybe it's time to come clean and share the reality of your marriage with him.  I understand your predicament because your wife, by threatening to call the Police, has a sword of Damocles over your head, hanging by a thread.  That's no way to live, SH2.  Perhaps you can start keeping a record that could be used in court, if it comes to that.

It will be rough sledding for a while, I suspect, so hang in there.

Lucky Jim

Thanks for the all the advice.  I am afraid of what she will do if I leave.  There are serious fears of abandonment and I try hard not to tap into them, but it's so easy.  Everything scares her.  Actually leaving would cause chaos.  Thanks everyone.

I don't know that I know the answer to this question.

SH2,

So sorry to hear what your dealing with.  Most of us here can relate to part or all of your experience.   It sounds like you are on the verge of leaving.   Have you read the article on this site, "Leaving a Person with  Borderline Personality"?  I'm posting from a device that makes it hard to post a link but I'll try below:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

This article has great practical suggestions for creating an exit plan etc.  If you aren't quite decided about leaving, other articles on this site help with staying, understanding, etc.

We are here for you regardless. Keep posting.  This is a rough road, and you are not alone.   

Waifed and Earth Angel,

I don't know for sure, but I would guess that holidays are triggers because in most cultures, holidays are a time for connecting with family and/or other loved ones in some way. In the U.S. and many other countries, we are bombarded by advertising and images of friends and family connecting and celebrating holidays together.  Many pwBPD come from family (FOO/origin) situations where they experienced real or perceived abandonment, and memories of this might be especially acute re: birthdays, xmas, etc.  This might trigger all of their push-pull and self-fulfilling prophecy behaviors.

Also, holidays are hard for many people, not just pwBPD.  I'm sure you already know that.  I'd guess that holidays are hard for many of us here on bpdfamily.  I know they're hard for me  :'(

Health,

I was with a woman for 14 years.  After I bought the ring, the house, remodeled the house, I decided to go back to school to become a nurse.  I had a DWi and a few fights I got into as a young adult.  So, I was naturally worried, that some things I did in my past (12-13 years ago) would show up on my background check.  I shared this fear with my ex.  My first arrest for a false allegation of DV came from my ex but was dropped because of lack of evidence (how ironic).  The second one came from my ex while I was in my first year of school.

I was worried that the nursing board was going to immediately deny me a future license upon graduation, but they didn't.  I brought pictures with me to my licensing hearing of bruises I had on my arms from her biting me, and also my Dean at my school went with me to validate my character.  It was crazy, but I got to interview all the cops involved in the arrest, and when I asked them what injuries she suffered... .THEY COULDN'T RECALL!

A few weeks later, I received a letter.  They had accepted me as a candidate for a nursing license upon graduating.  (I had about another year and a half to get my BSN).  Only thing was, I couldn't get into any more legal trouble with her.

Well, 8 days later 8 DAYS LATER, I was sleeping (she loved to attack when I was asleep), she started throwing hangars at me, clothes, little porcelain figures from the nightstand. One of which she threw through the flatscreen in our room (she didn't like to have nice things). I tried finding my phone (which I believe she hid from me), and couldn't.  I pushed her out of the doorway.  She called the cops and my nursing career was over.  She doesn't even realize that she hurt my son on this one, by his dad not being able to provide more financially and have more time to be with him.  She even once threatened once, We were not even in a serious arguement... ."Well, I'll just call the cops!"  But it was said like a young school kid saying she was going to tell her mommy on me for something I did wrong.  I once asked her when she got out of nursing school would she help me with some of the bills around the house?  "Why, so you can leave me for some other woman?" was her response.  Maybe that's why she did it, and educated me with a good job= abandonment?  Who knows, but I wouldn't take the chance if I were you.

If you live in the states be VERY careful... .These laws are not "male" friendly at all, and then you have to deal with the stigma of being a wife beater for the rest of your life.  Not to mention your career- WHICH YOU WILL LOSE! TRUST ME!  You see, I was tried on 2 misdemeanors, and my state picked up the charges.  She did not cooperate with the district attorney (how ironic).  Since they were misdemeanor charges, I was only entitled to a judge trial... .no jury.  So my attorney said to take the charge, spend no time in jail, do a year of probation, and then it's over... .or I could have my fate rest in ONE man's hands... .so I plead guilty and dind't even do it.  I would walk away immediately.  I would've walked away the first time knowing what I do now.  This is something I AM familiar with, and I really really feel for you... .I can't believe I've been moping around like a lost puppy dog the last 3 days... .How do I NOT remember this everyday I wake up in the morning?

"If she called the cops on you once, she will call the cops on you again" -- my dad two months before he died.

You are in a very precarious situation, you just don't know it yet.  This is very similar to mine.  I would strongly suggest you prepare your exit plan as previously suggested above. 

If she calls the cops for feeling intimidated just wait 'til her next phone call to the cops.  Mine had made a report to the cops when I left her while she was overseas (a safe escape, that one - the second escape, not so safe)  before I was recycled.  I had cause to call the cops - she twisted the story as they are experts at playing the victim and the cops pulled out her statement from two years earlier that I didn't even know about to cite a "history of abuse".

So firstly, I would suggest you speak to the local cops, particularly if they have a domestic violence officer, take advantage of any social services they offer and get your exit plan in order. This way you have built the "history of abuse" in your favour and hopefully you won't get arrested when she makes the call.

When these relationships get to this stage they are beyond repair and dangerous for the non. Seeing as you don't have children together, what she does once you leave with your own children is no concern of yours.  If you prefer, you can wait until she hooks up with your replacement and they drive you out of your home in the middle of the night with just the shirt on your back and you can run for dear life like I did. Which scenario would you prefer? Leave smartly and safely with all you possessions while she is out of the house or to be chased out of the house like a dog in the middle of the night?

Wake up to yourself and start preparing yourself mentally for the escape.  Worrying about her will be your downfall as she does not worry about you and nor does she have any respect for you. Show her that YOU respect you. Do it for yourself and for your children. She is not your child so stop treating her like one. Her call to the cops and her abuse of you absolves you of any further responsibility for her happiness.

I can attest to the fact that once you inform your pwBPD that you are done, or are filing for divorce, things will escalate.

As if they couldn't get worse, right?

With so much fear inside of them, it turns to anger and will be dumped all over you. I was the recipient of so many tantrums, even after I had agreed to let him stay in my home rent free to save money to move out.

He said he wanted our separation to be peaceful, but the truth is, he wanted to hurt me and he did. He said and did things no normal person would ever do, such as trying to convince my children that I was an awful person. This was of course, delusional. My kids saw right through him. We all knew he was crazy. He just needed to play the victim. To anyone that would listen.

Be prepared. Get everything important out of that house. My ex stole jewelry from me, took 3K out of our joint account and continually hassled me for more money by playing the victim card. This man is no victim, he is just a manipulator. A truly disgusting example of humanity. Get this mindset... .and you will get through the coming weeks much, much easier. I thought of my kids, and my kids only. I would not expose them to mental illness for one moment longer. I thought about me later.

Take care,

L

Thanks for all of the feedback.  The past week has been a roller coaster.  I went to a hotel by myself for the holidays.  Prior to that she had been raging, saying she wanted nothing to do with me and that she was done.  When I left, she was angry with that.  It was nice to have a couple days away, even though it was lonely.  Each day there were conversations with her where she would yell at me and tell me how terrible I am, then vow to be done.  Then later, she would be upset that I wasn't home.  I did a 5K and went to a fancy steakhouse solo for Christmas, then came back yesterday.  She woke me up last night in the middle of the night sobbing and begging for me to take care of her.  There were no apologies from her, it still is all my fault, but the guilt about why I don't take care of her was strong.  I feel a deadness inside as I try to navigate this all towards completion. I think I've taken the approach that I need this to feel like her idea, for my safety, but navigating the ups and downs of the emotions are taking their toll.  I don't find myself being sucked back in, like I always have been in the past, but the swings from anger, to being done, to sobbing and begging for me to be better, matched with years of put downs, I just feel emotionally drained.  No matter how hard I try, the doubts creep in and I wonder if it's all my fault, even thought I know it's not.  The weariness of it all is a lot, but I feel stronger than in the past, but more detached and dead inside than ever.  Has anyone every experienced these things near the end?  I feel like I need to read some things on leaving a relationship like this because I realize for 5 years, she has used these tools to get what she wants and that is for me to get back in line.  I don't know if, even with as many times as she's threatened it, she knows what to do if I let her leave and say it's alright to be done.  I worry that it could go to another level that I can't even imagine.  Anyway, these are my thoughts and where I'm at.  Any advice or direction for articles would be helpful.  I've known this pattern for so long, I can't imagine actually ending it and being without her.  It's both devastating and liberating.

Hi SH2, I admire you for spending time by yourself at a hotel over Christmas, and for running a 5K and treating yourself to a nice dinner.  You really deserved a break, I think.  You're right, it is draining.  When I neared the end of my marriage to my xBPDw, I described myself to friends and family as having nothing left in the tank.  I had completely depleted my inner resources (not to mention financial resources) trying to make a BPD r/s work.  All the drama takes a toll, as you say, and I can relate to your feelings of exhaustion.  Yet as wiped out as you are, somehow you have to muster the strength to make a change.  You can't go on like this, in my view, because you are on a path leading to more pain and misery.  Take good care of yourself, Lucky Jim