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Can I ask you guys if you were noticed that all your relationships were games from the beginning and they are far more intelligent than you, would you still want to save them and feel pitty for them?

If you had fear of being alone would you still carry on and ignore everything?

If you read something about BPD and those facts were scary to accept would you ignore them.

I would appreciate your insight.

Yes I'm certain if I had BPD I'd be a scared, viscous, lying unfaithful a$$hole too!

Hi pearl,

All of my relationships have been games in one way or the other. My first xh was older, wanted someone to have his babies, and I fell for the security he offered, had no idea what his game was. He was so safe and stable. However, once our children were born we became roommates.

My second xh was BPD. He swept me off my feet in two weeks. Looking back, he had a plan. I was too naive. I still am in many respects, this is the lesson I have learned from this relationship. I am very smart, have a high IQ, however when it comes to relationships I have "magical" thinking and allow myself to get involved too fast. If I had just waited a few more months, I would have recognized that my x was mentally disordered. I might not have married him. This is the regret I have to live with, because of my poor choices I went through hell and back.

I no longer want to save him. He is an adult, has made his own choices. He is mentally disordered, and will never see that he is so. He's already on his next victim. That's how he copes. The person I pity? Me. I feel sorry for me, that I have to clean up the mess he left behind, and I feel pity for his next victims. For there will be many. He's got at least another 40 years on the planet to ruin other victim's lives.

When we began I sensed that something was wrong, had no clue it was BPD. Found that out after... much later. At first I just thought he had abandonment issues and was a verbal / emotional abuser. It goes much deeper than that. The pity I feel for him? Was for the pain he went through as a child, and has never recovered from. That's sad. But it's made him the person he is today, and he takes no responsibility. That is just plain ignorance and denial. He is a very scary man.

As I write this, I am grateful to be on the other side. Divorced from this man who is so very, very cruel to the people who loved him. That was me, and probably his son, who he is just as harsh with.

No to all 3. Not for all the tea in China. Life is too short.

I used to fear being alone in a way, but soon came to appreciate the fundamental difference between Alone and Lonely. You get the ubiquitous unjoy of both in a r.s. with a pwBPD.

There's a book titled 'The Games We Play'.

It describes all our interactions with other humans as games!

We play the same 'game' with everyone around us, partners, friends, family, workmates etc etc. There's a theory that 75% of us is a constant. And we customise the other 25% to best suit game we're playing in any given moment (who we are conversing with).

It's a fascinating & scary book!

A great read.

Moonie

I know that book but borderlines games are sick and very different to non disordered people!

When they win over us by theses sick games they see us idiot and very weak because we couldn't work out these games. Marriage is a end of games for a borderline!

There is a no win situation with them.

Yup. I guess non disordered folks play a non disordered game.

Sick folks have to play a sick game, coz they only have sick disordered head to figure their moves with. They're stuck in it, we're not. We are the privileged ones believe it or not. We can have non disordered relationships with anyone. They can ONLY have disordered relationships on every level. There's no 'opt out' for them. It's permanent purgatory & I thank my lucky stars I'm a player who can get off the board.

Agreed with Pearl.

Moonie, you may enjoy the Psychopath's Bible, good reading for dealing with a variety of PD's. Forewarned is forearmed.


Agree with you, and well, I don't like games. And when games are being played? You can take yourself off the board, or , decide for yourself at what point in the "game" it was a "win" and continue to play with the bait for amusement or just stop playing. Somebody wants to get 'gamey' I use different rules. Sometimes one must be cruel to be kind, and playing games with the walking wounded is not nice.


I was a victim once, stayed far too long, then I changed. Not necessarily for the better or worse, but... .I am no one's victim again.


Pretty much the best way to win. Unless you want practice matches here and there to keep your skills sharp.

I think we're prone to play games when our foundation is the belief that unconditional love comes from sources outside of ourselves.

When I look back at the relationships I've been in I always brought my insecurities, loneliness, and abandonment fear to the table. Because of this I was the girl who chose those fixer upper victim of circumstance types because my subconscious mind ruled my world and in essence told me that these kind of men would never abandon or leave me. I was the people pleaser, the matyr, the strong one, the smart one, the reliant one, the one with the carefully constructed walls.

That it until the BPD ex was able to circumvent my entire facade.

It wasn't until the ultimate breakup with my ex that I realized that this pattern of mine was formulaic and quite repetitive. I set myself up as the rescuer so that my partner would be forever indebted to me and you guessed it….never leave.

And it's such a ___ty foundation to have in a relationship.

I'm far out enough to own my side of the toxic dance. I played games because I wanted to win at love, never be alone, and have a constant source of distraction from my own deep personal sadness and childhood pain.

So to answer your questions…Yes. I've ignored all kinds of red flags and blind spots in order the "true me" that lived underneath my carefully constructed self. My greatest fear from the fallout of this relationship was facing the music that lived inside of me and believing that I would die from the pain of knowing that I was indeed an abused and neglected child.

Spell.