BPDFamily.com

For the past few months and much worse this past week I have been falling into a worry pattern.  I am letting his stuff affect me.

He has part time retirement job, background is working 40 yrs and luckily at place he was mostly alone and didn't have to deal with people.  Now he drives a taxi and bus. He actually is quite good most of the time with people and has a great sense of humor when not stressed. The owner is new (last april), can only afford used vehicles that fall apart all the time, he has relative that is mechanic that works on them constantly.

He is a nice guy and has been very patient with my husband, but he has had people quit and the bus rides to snowy icy pass my husband said he couldn't do he is getting asked to do and also work many more hours.  The boss feels bad to ask him knowing my husband can't handle it but he is at his most stressed and feels overwhelmed.  The deal was he was supposed to do the easy in town stuff only and bus rides not to pass.

My husband has a hard time keeping any job and has already gone through just about everything he can do in this small area. And being off work was literally killing him. He was off for two years before last April and his depression was awful.

On to my worry pattern, I know husband is tired but he acts like martyr, whines all the time, on good days loves his job, on bad he is going to quit immediately.

Because of my getting laid off my part time retirement job we need the money.

I want to let go of worrying about him (driving in icy roads, etc) and how it affects us (financially) but it isn't that easy. I have been not sleeping and overeating, in fact stuffing food in my face to numb myself.  I know its wrong but I can't seem to deal with my feelings. 

Are there any articles here, posts, etc that deal with worry or codependency and how to get rid of it?

I know to walk away when they rage or major anger, but what do you do or not do when they are whining, overtired, pity party? If I try to validate his feelings it seems to make it worse like he is saying to himself "thats right it is horrible".

I think I did the right thing when he walked in after 16 hr day last night, the longer the night got the more my stress level increased so I was a wreck by the time he got home.  All I said was would you like a hug or would you like to be left alone?  He said you can stay, but then grunted and muttered so I quietly left room while he washed up and then hugged him and said nothing else.

This morning before he left for 16 hr day (this should be last, we have last festival today and he is driving shuttle bus all day back and forth) I only asked if he wanted me to make breakfast and he said no, I filled up his water container.  I don't want to mother him, but I don't want to do nothing either.

I feel like he is waiting for me to say its okay for him to quit. Should I say that? I need to learn to let him live his life no matter how hard it is on him or he will never grow.  I feel so controlling and out of control and want to stop being that way.

Any advice? Anyone?

Hi nodoover

Ugh, I remember going through something similar with my exh   I fully took on the parent role though and it didn't do either of us any good.


Have you tried validating him using S.E.T.  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict) after he's put in a 16hr day?  The T part is about speaking our truth.


Here are a couple of links touching on codependency.  You're in good company, nodoover *)

Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0)

Are we co-dependent? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0)

It's hard admitting to some of our own issues, but once we're aware we can do something about it :)

How are things going for you today?