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I'm going through the lessons but right now I need some fast direct steps to take before Christmas comes. I have 4 issues that I need to know how to handle correctly. I try my best to remain calm in the face of his rage and insecurity but patience does not bring about rationalization on his part... .obviously. I need to know the best way to stand my ground.

Problem 1: On going battle) My BPD is trying his best to cut all of my friends out of my life. There are several acquaintances that I have stopped talking to simply because the relationships were not so important that I felt the need to fight for them. However, I have 3 friends (1 very gay man and two women) that are absolutely not expendable in my life and never will be. There is not a man alive that would have a prayer of cutting them out of my life. Thus far when I talk to them he throws the usual tantrum. I haven't seen them since we've been together (almost a year) but let me be very clear this isn't because of his actions. They don't live close by and we don't often see each other in person due to family and life obligations. We are all very busy. One of those friends has asked me to come over for the day as I am off work for the next 2 weeks for the holidays. I AM going to go over one day next week. How do I best prepare him for this? The day hasn't been set yet but it will be. How do I handle this because it WILL be a huge issue. He throws a fit when they call or even send a text. Along with this... .

Problem 2: The other family) Although we have nothing to do with my ex husband (my 3 girls father), I am still friendly with his family. They are close to the girls and I also want to take them visiting their grandma, aunts/uncles, and cousins one day next week. This will cause the biggest fight of all but I am not going to allow him to cut my girls off from their family. Really need to know how to handle this one... .Armageddon has nothing on the fight this will be. Along with this... .

Problem 3: My "other" daughter) My girls have a half sister with one of the friends I mentioned in problem 1 (long story). I am used to having her several times a month. My BPD is adamant that she is never allowed in my home again (because she is my ex's daughter). Due to gas money and busy work schedules I have not seen her in several months but I want to start again. Help!

Problem 4: Day out) I have a day trip planned with my mother and sister on the 29th to a ballet. He is aware of this trip... .even graciously gave me his permission to go (awwww thanks honey) but I know when I come home I will have slept with every man in the audience while my mother and sister ate popcorn and guarded the door? Anything I can do to ease his rage and accusations when I get home?

All constructive help is greatly appreciated.   

Hi misneach,

Hmm, this sounds like challenging situations. Each of them challenging. And you seem to be very, very determined to see them through. A very clear sense of boundaries. Which is good.  |iiii

When it comes to boundaries it is usually the best to start with one issue and do it well. Building up a track record of going through extinction bursts. The first ones are usually the most scary, then practice and also experience on the other side lead to it becoming easier. Spacing out these conflicts could help. As would building up confidence and a track record with smaller boundaries in day-to-day situations and not just the big ones.

It is also worth keeping in mind that boundaries are boundaries and extinction bursts are extinction bursts and dysregulation is dysregulation. "Armageddon has nothing on the fight this will be." sound quite frighting. How much is him and how much is your fear contributing here? We all know that pwBPD react disproportional on small stuff - gets us all walking on eggshells. But that leaves them little to proportionally scale up for bigger stuff. OUR mind scales it up in advance. And if these fights get bigger the energy for it often comes from us.

Your situations all are also related to his insecurities. So validation of him as a man and your partner and central part of your family is critical as a backdrop during this time of change. As is addressing in some form jealousy, angry, not understanding, confused ... .in times when these insecurities raise their head and push you two towards conflict.

Getting your fear of implementing boundaries under control is absolutely critical as you will projecting it and he will react to it. Less insecurity on your side will be less fear of abandonment on his side.


Can you see (and consequently position) this less as something you WANT but something the girls and grandparents have rights to? Rights you need to respect? Facts of life you have to deal with. Things that will happen one way or another. Something you do not have a right to interfere with? Something you manage but not really own?


A T once told me they are using sarcasm in some places. Not sure whether it is safe in general but for some persons humorous exaggeration can be validating: Honey, I'm exhausted. There were just too many men to satisfy. It can also badly backfire.

The good news is once new boundaries are established your life will get easier. You just have a rough temporary period ahead of you  

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