BPDFamily.com

She left her budget spreadsheet open on our computer. Saw "gift for daddy" of course I didn't get her anything. I think the ipad with the wrong color cover (which proved I didnt love her or know her) last year was enough. Not sure how I will receive this, "the only thing

I'd desire from you is the one thing you are incapable of giving: Love." ,

Do you feel the budget spreadsheet was left up for that very purpose of you finding the gift entry? 

No. She's left it up for the past few months. Ipassword protected mine at that time. Id like toassign some nefarious activity to her, but I think she doesn't just think about those things.

Sorry, don't know your story - is this a gift she purchased from a child for you or does she call you daddy?

it could be the first thing you said.  it would be safe.   She hasn't gotten me something from  them before. She calls me that In relation to the kids.  Subconsciously,  to her... .I  guess it's a nice gesture and I shouldn't make a big deal out of it.  I'm not getting anything for her though.

Just reminded me of last year's debacle (kind of funny now!)

Even though we'd split 6 weeks before, she bought me some presents.

When I unwrapped them, I thanked her for the eyeshadow (I don't even wear eyeshadow!) and commented how it was a nice colour.

She replied "Yes, that colour is supposed to go well with blue eyes".

Erm... .well, I have green eyes (and she knew that fine well, we were always talking about how if I had a baby, would it have my green eyes).

Her new gf (now fiancee!) has blue eyes though... .although I didn't know that at the time!

Crazy.

But anyway, back to you - how do you feel about getting a gift from her? 

That is soo disordered. And kind of disturbing on some level.


I started getting angry a few days ago thinking about it, but now I guess I accept it for what it is. Her filling a role, minus the romance. She wants to keep 80-90% the same r/s, minus the romantic attachment (she benefits... .I, the opposite). She will never work to replace me as a father of our children (luckily... .I know there are plenty of horror stories on other boards where ex spouses and partners are not so lucky). I need to swallow a lot of my hurt to not alienate our kids, nor her.

I still can't wrap my head around her boy-toy she calls "Love". He committed nothing to her, really knows nothing about her (a few months of clandestine meetings along with texting and emailing), has done nothing for her. Well, in that last regard, he did... .meeting her emotional needs vis-a-vis the BPD abandonment/attachment style. In a similar theme to what you wrote, she never in 6 years called me "Love" that I can ever remember. She is, of course, living out her fantasy love addiction.

I was a bit honest a little over a month ago (her boy-toy called her phone while we were all at the table eating... .THAT was an awkward moment!). In the pretty much one-sided conversation we had afterwards, I told her that even a month before that---which was a month after I found out about the guy and 6 weeks after she told me we were "over"--- I thought that "well, at least I was special enough for her to choose to have kids with." This particular night, though, I told her that I was just a tool she used to have a responsible father for the children she always wanted (she got fixed after D1 to never have kids again... .I knew there was something going on with that decision, but I didn't know how to draw out her feelings at the time).

She said that "no, it was YOU, your qualities I saw." I pointed out that with her bf two years previous to me she had desperately tried to get pregnant. (It never "took", and he discarded her, came back to use her, then left her again, great guy!). Therefore, I just filled one of her needs. Not as a person, as a thing.

I still think that on some level, but can't dwell on it. I have to move forward emotionally, and have to be the stronger one to raise our children as healthy as possible.

I and the kids just got back from church. She cleaned the house while we were gone. Even changed the sheets and blankets on my bed (the one she abandoned to start sleeping on the couch a few months ago). It's like normal... .but not normal because we aren't "in a r/s" as she says. (I'd wager to think the kids still think differently, even is S3 now calls the couch "mommy's bed." She asked if I wanted to go out to luch with her and the kids. I guess. I had pulled back from doing the family things, resenting and hating faking being a family. But I'm better now, so it's safe for me to go with them. No harm.

Thanks for checking in with me.

I still can't wrap my head around her boy-toy she calls "Love". He committed nothing to her, really knows nothing about her (a few months of clandestine meetings along with texting and emailing), has done nothing for her. Well, in that last regard, he did... .meeting her emotional needs vis-a-vis the BPD ------quote-------

Considering your situation,were she is always present,it's hard to detatch from.

I do feel you are copping with a lot, you are an honest man, no doubts about it.

that part though will pass soon enough but I feel you in being caught up were you can't completely detache and go on. I hope she gets the fuc£ out of your space soon.

Genuine you are, God! the things we must put up with so we do not  hurt loved ones!

I don't know how you do it, Turkish... .

She has no accountability at all!

How she can think this is all ok is beyond me.

I'm glad you're doing your best to keep your head screwed on.  But OUCH.

I'm glad your kids have you.

I wish I had some wise advice to give you, alas, I don't.

I found it interesting though, that she made your bed today... .like she's playing the role of perfect, dutiful wife.

Either to push away the fleeting guilt she feels, or she's getting cold feet about the new guy.

Who knows.

Just keep your head on straight, keep checking in here and don't buy into anything she does... .!

Support is enough, and thank you. She thinks it's ok because she is "sick" in her words. That is the closest to the truth, but I've seen more under the facade than she thinks, her state of mind (like the things I've found she's written... .her web searching for words like "Crazy" and the like, to understand what is going on inside of her own head). If I didn't know better, I'd be scared, but it all makes sense in context.


Could be both. Cleaning is relaxing to her, too. I did my part yesterday when she went out with the kids (cleaned bathroom, did a lot of yard work), and what she did was the old routine. When it was bad in Sept, I did ALL of the cleaning, she was so detached from us. She's almost back to "normal" Now, finally after the last three months when she was someone else, and even more engaged to the family than she has been in more months than that. I hope this means she is getting close to moving out. It will be better for her for a while, but then it will cycle back. Without someone intimately close in a r/s such as ours (an adult r/s... .at least on the surface), it could be a while before her bad behaviors get triggered again. But she will go back to them. I see her checking inspirational videos on youtube all of the time, and before I blocked her, posting the typical validating things that FB junkies do. She even writes things to herself about things getting better, that she will survive no matter how bad it gets (see? the self-fulfilling prophecy is right there on the page! Except for financially due to me giving her CS, I know things will get better!)... .

You tell me... .does that sound like something someone stable would do, no matter how stable they put out they are to the world? I mean, who doesn't get pumped at the gym by listening to the Rocky theme or something similar. But to listen, watch, write that stuff all of the time?

No, it won't get better. And I'll be around to watch the train wreck from both far and near. For the rest of my life.

For some reason, I started thinking about this Scorpions song today, and the lyrics resonate with me:

www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/scorpions/sendmeanangel.html