BPDFamily.com

My ex, from all accounts, came from the perfect, happy little family (and of course his alcoholic uncle who committed suicide, and his other uncle who was a con artist who had done time in prison were just "exceptions".  I, on the other hand openly talked about my problematic relationships within my family, and to his credit (or not), by BPDex agreed with me that they were a little off.  He cultivated this image of perfection, and even told me that his ex had told him she would really miss his family after they broke up. 

I simply cannot believe that a family just loves each other, and that's it, and everything and everyone is perfect, and no one is ever angry, etc.  And here's the thing, while I was with my ex, his dying grandmother confessed to having witnessed the murder of her mother by her father when she was just five years old.  There were no consequences of this murder, as it was in a rural european country, where a blind eye was turned to domestic violence.  This is perhaps the most horrible family story I have heard, and I cannot imagine that this stuff does not trickle down through the generations... .especially if it is not properly addressed.  Anyway... .I'm sure my ex and his "perfect" family, still maintain their claim to "perfection".  But I guess I just can't believe it.

Any one else have insight into the "perfect" family who has a history of murder, suicide and at least one PD?

Ok... this is some tough stuff... but here is what I know.

ExhwBPD's father ran off on family when x was 3.

Father - That man married multiple times (5 or 6?) and had many children by different women. He went to prison in the end for raping a mentally retarded woman, a relative of one of his ex wives. He has since passed away.

Mother -  Very young when married to ex's father. Endured abuse and multiple affairs, and then ex's father left.

Ex - Told me that every woman he'd cared about had cheated on him. He's on marriage #4, I was marriage #3.

Sister of ex - Anorexic, was abused when married at a young age.

Brother of ex - Alcoholic, prison for drugs for a few years. Multiple children with multiple women, was a father for the first time at 15. Abuses his wife.

I don't think anyone escaped being touched by FOO issues.

Oops... let me give you some of my FOO issues.

My mom was a perfectionist. My pop was too much of a giver, and my brother did smoke some pot back in the day. Me? I was the baby, pretty much spoiled, and was a goody two shoes, so I basically got ignored cuz my brother was sort of a mess for awhile.

L

yes, i do! though not the murder and suicide bit.

my stbxw's family are very self-regarding. if not perfect, they seem to beleive they are not responsible on a moral level for the consequences of the things they do. they all love each other and get together as often as possible. her father and one uncle are prominent, her mother is from a founding family of her state, she and her brothers are high-achieving. her mother and father never fight, though her mother can be demeaning of him. unfortunately i think that's the model my w had of a marriage: that the man doesn't spit back. where i'm from the men spit back.

but - there has been alcohol abuse across generations. two (now) of the children have been unfaithful in their marriages, and of course the other parties (one of whom is me) are to blame. her m is very juvenile, very manipulative, and never wrong, and i've been wondering more if she too, along with my w, has the BPD. it has compounded my pain and isolation immeasurably that when my w announced her infidelity and bolted they cut me off immediately - and her father is a minister, of course. "very christian!" a cousin of mine said.

Interesting. Yes my ex's family was also the very good, well behaved, charitable and giving "christian" types.  I don't think I can trust any family or individual who is "perfect".

What does FOO mean?

family of origin

Holy Crappola!

I keep learning and learning and learning. 

Here's my exes FOO

Both mom and dad are from another country.  Moved here when they were in high school and married.

Father left mother when ex was 5.  Told me that it killed her and had abandonment issues when we first started dating  red-flag .  I would never abandon her and would make sure she would never feel that way again.

Father was a compulsive cheater and has one child out of wedlock son (20 ish).

Mother has NEVER moved on and is active in religion and prays and dreams that the two will still get back together.  Calls son out of wedlock's mother names as well, as father's new bride.

Father still cheats on his current wife with her mother and who knows who else.

Father apologized to ex 10 years ago, now he does no wrong and is idolized by all three girls (ex has 2 sisters) probably bc he has money he can leave them.

Sister 1 older sister runs own business and does well, everything on outside appears normal, has major religious beliefs yet lies to help enable ex

Sister 2 (younger) is a severe alcoholic and pain pill addict who has rheumotid arthritis so bad she cant even walk on some days her fingers look like they should be broken.

Any thoughts?  Is her dad maybe a narcissist?

What do you think the middle chils effect would have on ex coming from this family?

Thanks,

Arn

forgot to mention another thing about her cheating dad... .

Our first year together we went skiing together with her family in Colorado.  Her dad's present wife but girlfriend at the time came with us.

She left early because of work issues, and guess who showed up the following day?

Another woman... .damn, it sounds like BPD doesn't it? red-flag

Where was the knowledge of crimson flags when I needed them 14 years ago?

Wow

Exes mother had extremely abusive father,hit her with anything within arms length, wooden planks belts anything, beatings, abused all 6 daughters and their mother.

Exes mum married young 17, had a daughter, her father sexually abused daughter

2 Years later had another daughter father unknown

2 years later met exes dad, both had compulsive gambling problem, always moved around, always in debt, father beat mother, mother beat kids

Ex is born

Exes mum goes to jail for manslaughter of her own father

Exes mum gets out when hes about 5

Exes parents have 5 more kids that they cant afford to support, exes mum freely admits to having the children to collect welfare money

All children witness horrific abuse, father / mother

All children experience horrific abuse mother/ children

All children suffer varying degrees of mental trauma

Anger issues, alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual abuse,diagnosed bi polar.


Scariest aspect

They are proud of their disfunction

They revel in the fact that they are notorious for violence

It is systemic

It will never stop.

This thread has really scared me.

Now I'm going to subject anyone I date to the Spanish inquisition about their FAMILIES :)