BPDFamily.com

I haven't posted here in a few months, but things are going on between me and my (now officially diagnosed) BPD sorta-exbf and I need to vent about it to people who might understand. Of course none of my other friends understand why I'd even give him the time of day anymore, let alone have him in my life, and I find myself lying to them about the amount of time we spend together. I hate that but I'm embarrassed to admit that I still love him after all this - it makes me feel like such a chump.

Background hardly feels necessary, since so many of us have the same story, but my guy J and I have been together off and on for almost three years now. Short version: we broke up this latest time in September after I caught him talking to a long-distance ex he had promised he wouldn't speak to again and going back on dating sites. He moved out, got his own place, and I thought we could really be done this time. He said that he still loved me but couldn't handle commitment or monogamy and just wanted to be free to date whoever and find himself as a single person. I felt like I'd finally learned my lesson and was ready to move on... .

I got over being mad at him pretty quickly - I always do, for some reason - and we stayed friends even while we both tried dating other people. I think the dating site thing is an addiction with him - he likes the rush of having strange women pay attention to him and message him, but actually meeting them in real life seems to leave him bored and impatient. I feel kind of sorry for the women he goes out with, and I stopped trying to date because I was feeling sorry for the men I was going out with, too. I just wasn't ready.

I still tried to keep him at arm's length and put some distance between us but that hasn't been working lately. Of course the more I pull away, the closer he tries to get. The past few weeks, we've been falling back into old patterns. He's either at my place or I'm at his every night - we're back to sharing a bed, though we're both holding back on having sex. We're back to acting like a couple. He's still on the dating sites but he claims he's not talking to anyone because he's confused about what he wants (I take any and all claims about what he gets up to online with large grains of salt, but as of now I have no reason to think he's lying.) He's back to constantly sending me lovey dovey texts, telling me he can't live without me, that I'm the only one he really wants, that he's just "working through some stuff" but "my heart will always belong to you."

I have to admit that it feels nice. I'm still in love with him, obviously, and we seem to have this bond that lasts through whatever garbage he puts us through. I feel closer to him than I have to anyone else in my life and our regular daily life interactions are great - making dinner, watching TV together, working out together, laying in bed and talking all night about everything - I don't want to give these up. I don't seem to be able to give them up, and I don't seem to be able to tell him no when he wants to spend time with me.

I know it's only a matter of time, though, and I'm dreading the inevitable. He'll meet some girl on a dating site who seems sort of promising, he'll pull away and lie about the reason why, and he'll break my heart for the umpteenth time. And then she won't work out for whatever reason, and he'll be back again apologizing and it we'll be back here and it will all just keep spinning around forever.

I don't see a way out or a solution. I've tried going no-contact and it never lasts, I don't seem to have the willpower. Neither of us are close to our families, emotionally or geographically, and we're each others' support system in any kind of a crisis - he's the one I can count on to be there when I'm sick or take care of my pets when I need to travel or whatever. I have plenty of other friends but no one else who really feels like family.   

There's a DBT program at one of the local hospitals that I've been trying to get him to look into, and he always has an excuse - right now it's "I'll do it after the holidays." He says he wants to get better and do the program, but he's not showing me that he actually wants it. I don't know of anything else to do. If he came to me tomorrow and said he was going to give up chasing other women and commit to me, part of me would be glad to hear it but he's said the same kind of thing too many times for me to believe it now. I would have to just say, "sure, whatever" and take it as it comes.

Right now all I can do is accept our relationship for what it is - a deep and loving friendship with this sickness running through it. I'm working on learning to not take his betrayals personally but it's very hard.

Hi CatBlack

and welcome back and in the same time I am sorry you have to come back here.

You are describing your situation very clearly. The whole dynamic, on and off. You are very realistic about the future.   

What about reaching out for a T for yourself? Did you ever consider this?

Thanks, Surnia. I'm still looking for a t for myself - the combination of "right for me" and "takes my insurance" is discouragingly hard to find. I'm considering contacting the DBT program myself to see if they can recommend anything for someone enmeshed in a BPD relationship.

Thats exactly what I did - I found a T with DBT knowledge and it was a great choice for me. I like all the newer behavioral approaches anyway. Putting things in practice, I had always home works to do.  :)