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I know I shouldn't have, but I did. I snooped and found messages and video messages of my exBD and I guess you could say my replacement, my replacement was saying saying I love you,I miss you and my ex said, I will keep this video forever, I love you baby, I love you!

I am just thinking, they have never met in person and have only been talking for about a month and met on Facebook of all places... .What the heck

We've recycled twice but haven't spoken since August after she pulled the "I just want to be friends with you, but if I attempt to flirt with you don't take it seriously" so I decided to just say you know what I deserve better good bye... .She kept trying to contact me for about a month with no reply from me  and she finally stopped. 

I'm bummed and I know I shouldn't have snooped but I did it. Just curious is she really feeling like she's in love with him and if so is there something wrong with this guy to also have feelings of being in love when they've been speaking for a month, take in mind he also just got out of a relationship... .I don't get it


I have the fear that my replacement will be the love of her life, I understand this is crazy because she can't change, but dammit I am having one of those moments where I'm like maybe I was the one the messed up the relationship or maybe I should've answered the phone when she called... .

We are we sitting here on this forum and they are in lala land engaging in new relationships so soon and ones that are such a farse?

Sorry for venting... .

Happy Holidays!  

Hi magichat

Call it snooping, call it reality check - it is hurting, confusing!

I can relate with your fear about being your replacement the love of her life. I have similar thoughts about my exH's new girlfriend. I can easily start the comparing thing: Is she healthier than me? How can she deal with this or that?

I have no other solution than simply try to stop myself with this kind of comparing. Its not fair to myself.

She isn't experiencing love, not as you know it. She is desperately seeking to attach to a person who will provide the emotional validation she needs to not feel bad about herself.

Its mostly not conscious, its just a coping mechanism created by the unconscious to survive the unbearable pain and anxiety and depression that lies at the centre of her broken and unformed identity. She has no sense of self and finds at the centre of herself nothing but self loathing and loneliness.

Btw, you did everything wrong, I hope you know. Its all your fault!  

No, not really. The failure of this relationship was not your fault. I mean maybe you could replay the relationship and get a different outcome, maybe you could avoid being properly dumped if you could in those moments when things radically shift in their minds get an impossible insight and tailor make a reaction to stifle the messed up emotional decision making process that pushes you out and brings another in, but thats not even rational and why would you ever want to live that way?

You can't take it personally. Its not about you, or even him. Its purely about survival. She is feeding the extremely unhealthy needs she has through the only means she understands which just so happens to be a script of socially abhorrent behaviors which are carefully attenuated to the new partner to achieve an immediate and strong bond to facilitate the satiation of a sense of self loathing and hatred that would chill you if you could feel even a fraction of it for a moment of your life.

The hardest part is letting go of what you think you had. While she may have believed everything she said and did when she felt what she did, it was not as you thought it was and it was never going to be, not in this iteration of her relationship cycle.

I would also recommend looking closely at yourself to ask why you were and apparently are in some way still attracted to such a dysfunctional partner. I did this and I'm glad for it. I can honestly say that my BPD relationship will probably lead to tremendous personal growth, and that's not a bad reward for the heavy emotional price I paid for just under 4 months in this whacky world. Its not your fault, but it is a 2 person relationship and you enabled every crazy thing she did so long as you didn't object or try to set a boundary. Thats key to allow this experience to lead to your own growth.


But all that said, I feel your pain. Damn its f---ing hard. I still miss her, even though I know how messed up everything was.

This is exactly right. They are in La la land. It's how they live their life. They are just self soothing each other. What I realized is they do infatuation really really well but not real love. They throw the word around like they are saying have a good day. There is no way in hell it is love.

I also agree with Surnia. Seeing that can hurt but can be a reality check that is needed. I've have done similar and it just helped to solidify in my mind the whole thing is f'd up and never will be anything but. Just don't make a habit of it then it gets into ruminating territory and stunts your healing.

Plus, I'm not a real FB person but it seems odd to be throwing around all those personal messages on a public board. Smacks of desperation and wanting people to think they are happy. Possibly her even wanting you to see it. Don't fall for it.

Don't worry They are not happy!

Merry Christmas!