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Well, a reliable source has told me my ex and replacement have had sex multiple times over the past 3 weeks.  Looked the guy up on fb and he is almost 10 years older than us (we are 37), very successful, never married or he is divorced, no kids.

I can't help but think that she is only attrracted to him because of the potential.  She always wanted to be a stay at home mom, desperate to get married, and desperate for another child.

I can't stop obbssesssing over the fact that my hard work (full-time) at night and school during the day, and paying all the bills in our nice home (i'm sure not the home this guy has); but nice home for our family wasn't ever good enough.

It's tearing me up x mas day, obssessing that this guy may be better than me, and will take my role as my son's father (yes, he was introduced to my son last night)... .How can I stop obssessing over this?  Is it all about the $$$$ with BPD?  Is this all they need is money to make them happy?  Then I start thinking that I am crazy and I have BPD and that she was right about me... .uggghhhhhhhh

This sucks bc I was always told hard work pays off. well I guess you don't need that when you are beautiful and can just spread your legs

Hey arn... Hoping you get feeling better soon. Dude... .Everything you described in this post is normal. I want you to know that every feeling you just described is standard with the failure of a sick relationship. Rest assured... .You aren't going crazy. There is nothing wrong with you. If you didn't feel this way something would be wrong... .These feelings will pass and I know how hard they are. I cannot stress enough how important it is to keep your focus on yourself. I saw your post on personal inventory. That is where relief come from. That and time. You are doing everything you can.

Our partners have their own lives. They are free to do with them as they please. What she is doing isn't personal towards you. I know it feels as though it is, but it isn't. The situation may not change. The way you view it can.

There is no way to determine what drives people to do what they do. The money certainly could be a factor. The biggest attractions for the disordered are money,sex,and drugs. All of the things outside of the self that cannot make us happy. I know is hard my friend. Take care of yourself. Talk with the folks here. 

OK, a few things here!

1) This source.  :)id you ask?  Or did they gleefully tell you?  I know it's almost impossible (I went through that stage!) but you need to hear nothing.  It will only send daggers through your heart.

2) Try as hard as you can not to analyse it (again, almost impossible).  There are no answers with BPD.  Just as you think you've got it figured out, she'll do something so off the wall that you'll have to start re-thinking all your analysis again.

3) She's not your problem now.  She's his.  If you're fresh out, it'll take you ages to see that, because you'll only remember the good, and your thinking will be "It's not fair, he has all the good stuff, I have nothing". But I promise you, the further out you get, you'll realise you dodged a bullet.  And the new guy is taking that bullet for you.

Read lots of posts on here.  Keep reading.  Read the staying board, and the issues people are going through there.  This will hurt, but you're better off in the long run, I promise.

Apologies if you're NOT fresh out, you may be months out and if so, only part of this advice will even make sense :)

Hope you are spending the day with some decent people, family or whatever, and I hope that 2014 is the year you are finally free.

Thanks for the post.  F**K this joined 24 hr gym last week.  Gonna be my lifeline.

The source is definate, it was almost masterminded that the source would see them two together last night, and it would then get back to me.  Which shows me she still has feelings for me!  red-flag My son told me a week ago mommy didn't come home from the x mas party and mommy wasn't home this morning when I had to go over to her dad's house to open x mas gifts.  see "this has nothing to do with my son" post... .anyway

I also believe that this guy's money will eventually come into a train wreck with her fear of abandonment.  Meaning she will lose it eventually because he may be attractive to other PDs/ women

ok ok ok, so I get all charged up like this an the I start with the "maybe she isnt BPD.  She has never been diagnosed.  What if she's the one normal girl that shows all signs and symptoms of BPD yet doesn't have it... .you know what I'm saying reliving her mindf**ks and gasalighting my damn self... .sheesh

  I know how you feel my friend... .I've been there too, only mine left me for a drug pusher!

You know, the reality is, people with BPD will also sometimes change their minds and come running back... .but be careful, it's not always a good thing. Mine did this around 5 times since 2009! Back and forth, back to me and back to him, it was crazy.

  Honestly, what helped me most through all of this is my faith in Christ. I hope you can give this to God and trust he can help you go through it.

  Believe me, in time, things will change. Some good stuff and some not too good stuff. But what's important is for you to stay informed about BPD and know how to avoid the dangers of thinking we can save them.

     Be strong my friend and Merry Christmas anyways! God is with you.

   

Arn... .Think about this. Ok ... .She took her freedom. Then she turned right around and gave it up. Fast. See how you are processing? She isn't. What you are experiencing is the natural grieving process. It's healthy. She is avoiding grieving. It will catch up to her sooner or later. Her coping skills are disordered. Want to really blow her mind? Cut her off. Stop talking to her. Women are curious. She will wonder what the hell happened. The flames will also die down. Your feelings for her didn't happen overnight. The flames will die down. The ashes will smolder for a while. Every once in a while you'll see a little smoke.

Obsessing over who your ex is sleeping with is not good for you, even if its healthy to respond how you are.

You can't really detach while you're still envisioning her with someone else as some betrayal of your assumed meaning to one another.


After my break up just a night ago I felt perfectly fine. In the back of my mind I knew there was a replacement, I knew that she would get all cosey with him, I knew that something like what we'd experienced, a super fast and intense WOW I LOVE YOU courtship, would occur. I was perfectly fine because I understand for the most part why it happens and how her disorder creates it.

What did happen was I saw my ex's name appear online on Skype today when I went to check my email. I haven't blocked her yet, as is normal for me, and it sent this surge of adrenaline into my body. "Whats she doing, she's talking with him. Maybe they're going to meet up today. I'll bet she isn't even thinking about me. I know that by now she's telling him how amazing he is. I wonder if she's sent him a picture of her vagina on her phone yet like she did with me."

All that from seeing her name on skype. Do yourself a favour. Tell your "source" to never tell you anything ever again. Snooping is so tempting. Its like being an alcoholic in a wine cellar. Just don't go into the wine cellar!

Just remember that they are completely hopeless and will make you miserable forever.

I understand that.

I had a good cry a bit ago.  Let everything out.  Took a nice nap, that was much needed.

I know I worked hard.  I know I did my best to support her and my son.  Money was tight; but I gave her a nice home to live in and the bills were always paid.  My son never went without.

It just pains me because I can't stop thinking that it wasn't enough.  Not once EVER did she tell me that she appreciated.  For a long time, I needed, as a man, to feel that validation from her.  To know that even though we didn't have everything we wanted, we had everything we needed.  Her being off now with MR. BIGSHOT only validates that I didn't give her the things she wanted, that I was inferior to this guy.

And that my friends, is what eats at my core.  That's what I need to figure out inside of me, that is making that thought process come alive inside me.

I believe that years of not being good enough, worthy enough, and "man" enough (like she has said before) has just taken it's toll.  I can't draw a straight line from my hard work and want to provide well enough for her and my son to a point of self worth and satisfaction... .if that makes any sense?


Merry x mas... .it's been a doozy

Arn,

This is bad, and I'm sorry you have to hear about these things.  It's natural to feel all these things, you are shocked and grieving and this is just salt in the wound.     I'm glad you are taking care of yourself.  The mind will calm down.  At first, it's like a merry-go-round that never stops. 


This makes a lot of sense, and I can relate.  I have linked "doing" and "being needed" with being worthy of love – instead of knowing that I am lovable just for who I am.  It hurts when we "do" and hope desperately that there will be appreciation or reciprocity, and then it doesn't come.  That's the beginning of our freedom from these unhealthy coping mechanisms.

heart

in my experience BPD's can best cope with people with no baggage, therefore no competition. Sounds like this one may last a bit longer but the inevitable will come. I still obsess a year later, I have found that meditation helps, your mind will calm eventually, i know it feels like torture right now but you are better off out of it I suggest

You know... .It's always something. We all find that one core insecurity to beat ourselves up over.

My BPDexh was younger than me. I gave him everything. Education, nice house, nice car, luxury holidays. All the things you're thinking your ex has found. And guess what? My replacement is a younger woman, with no money.

Ouch.

But whatever you give them, it's taken without gratitude or acknowledgement, just that sense of entitlement they are so damn good at.

So realise the replacement could give her the world, and it wouldn't be enough. We all ruminate, and we all focus on our core insecurities when we do. As Calm suggests, meditation really does help. At one point, I was doing it maybe 5 or 6 times a day. Now, it's a few times a week, because I want to, not because I need to.

Hang in there.

Arn

I understand what you are feeling.  My ex is now with her new guy.  He is an executive at her work.  No kids and makes great money.

I myself am not rich, a single father, and am not mister charming.  I did spend the last year we were together adding 1200 sq ft to my house to provide a nice house for her, her son, me and mine to live in.  I broke my hand, almost cut of a finger to the point that I may never have full use of it, and broke an arm.  All this while working every evening and weekend on this addition to provide for her.  The day I finished and had her over to celebrate the new house was the last I ever saw of her.

What does this new guy have to offer.  Simply put he is her escape.  No amount of money good looks or charm will win over BPD.  My T has told me that most borderlines will jump into a relationship with someone that they don't really care about.  It works like a distraction to their pain and loss of someone they really care about.  It broke my heart when she told me that, but made me think about how the poor new guy is only getting a superficial relationship.  I got to experience something with meaning.  The bomb will drop, but this time not on me.

Thanks, emotion.

I guess it gave me some validation knowing what your T told you.  That she jumped into the RS with the new guy to avoid the pain of losing someone she really loved and cared about.

Damn, it hurts.  I often find myself thinking that I am not as good as this new guy.  But I am.  I have dated pretty women all my life.  I am not a calvin klein/ fitness mag model; but I have good qualities and a great sense of humor. People around me tell me this, yet, I don't see it bc of the FOG.

I looked him up on FB (sorry had to), and no offense to middle- aged men, but that's what he looks like.  An average middle aged man.  Funny because I know now it's all about the potential with him, his money and knowing she didn't give herself time to process, it may or may not last, but the bomb is ticking... .right now the love bomb... .tick... .tick... .tick... .tick   

Best believe even if you had Bill Gates' money she still would have done what she did. Its hard wired into their dna to hurt and betray.

WHO he is does not reflect who you are NOT.

it's not about that.

I am sure that you have dumped someone in your life and then met somebody else ... .did the new person replace the stuff you didn't want or need or get with the old one or, was it not about that?

I can tell you from experience that my own ex had a woman before me who he liked very much even when things were falling apart (when he and I met) ... I was an escape hatch ... a lever to get him out of that RS if you like.

But I also know that although she and I are different, and he thought he was getting a 'whole new person' (which he did) ... it still wasn't enough because he was never running from his ex, or toward me, he was and is running from intimacy and himself.

It is only about you insofar as you have been through a terrible experience. It's about you for YOU - but for her it's not personal.

This is crazy.  Is this "hardwire" done on purpose, kallor?  I mean do they sit up at night figuring out ways to hurt/betray us or is all their damage and chaos done sub-consciously.  Not that it matters, I just want to understand the phyiology of their brains, I guess.s

I think there is a danger of assuming that all pwBPD or PD in general all think exactly alike ... there are obviously behaviours that manifest in similar ways but the reasons for those behaviours, what triggers them, how they are processed or denied, what actions are taken due to them etc ... this is a wide field and the disorder together with age, upbringing, particular trauma experiences etc will also have an effect.

My ex (for example) seems to take pleasure in the controlling of ending/managing a RS - but, he gets upset at himself for both how things turn out as well as pain he causes ... while simultaneously feeling powerful from it and not wanting to do any work to change himself even though he knows that he will inflict the same pain.

It's complicated and specific to him and his experiences/background as well as his pathologies.