BPDFamily.com

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were fantastic! so I should be grateful, I suppose. Boxing Day is meltdown day and sure enough even though he woke looking like he felt good we are approaching disintegration. This year for Christmas, my eldest asked for computer parts to build himself a computer. I'm NOT a computer technician but dBPDh is. So, he bought computer parts. I asked more than once if he has ALL the things J would need to build his computer, I had eyes rolled at me for my lack of faith. Sure enough, Christmas morning rolls around and there is a long list of parts, cables, and software he needs that have not been purchased so the computer is unusable.

I'm sure dBPDh feels bad about it (if only that led to some sort of improvement in the way these things work out) and J started asking last night to go out today to buy them. This morning it was the first thing he said when he woke up.

I tried to help think of a solution which would not require any of us going to SUPER crowded malls (which trigger meltdowns in him) with Boxing day sales where you need to be capable of assassination to get a car park or trawling for specialty computer shops which are closed until after New Years and that got me hand flapping, and the whining about being frustrated, and the f word used in conversation with me. This year, I am not participating in those conversations so I shut the bathroom door and left without saying anything.

Now, he wants to know why I am not more considerate that he needs... .<insert list of needs>. He can't believe I rolled my eyes at him and shut the door. I said "well, its just the Boxing Day meltdown and I'm not doing that this year. As agreed, if you are heading in that direction you can go for a drive". The drive was his idea for diverting a meltdown confrontation. Sometimes, he is gone all day which is not unpleasant.   

Whatever happens, I'm not participating in the meltdown this year. It's Christmas and I deserve to enjoy it. Next year, I am not going to let myself get in this scenario again but remembering he doesn't think things through in detail so there are always mishaps when he takes 100% control of things.

How was the outcome of the boxing day finally?

Well, saying how I felt out-loud (so to speak) here helped me regain my balance and we let each other go to our separate corners for some space. He found somewhere that was closed but who was willing to sell him the parts they needed and off they went to get them while I had a nice bath made with one of my Christmas gifts. To his credit, when he came back he said he wasn't having a meltdown and wanted us to enjoy the day as a family and to my credit I was able accept him at his word. The day improved from there to be calm and normal.

I really am quite reactive to him which isn't very helpful, especially recently when his growth through therapy has really begun to seep in. I feel kind of like a rescue dog who is used to being hit with a broom and flinches when ever someone picks up anything remotely like a broom. Its really strange because increasingly he is able to maintain himself during stressful interactions while I still react like its going to be a reenactment of WWIII.

I think its an indicator of how damaged the trust is between us and how I have go stuck in a pattern of reacting to my idea of him. Probably a bit traumatised too. More work to be done 

This are good news.  |iiii

Even little steps counts here.

I think you are on to something realizing that you are sometimes too reactive. Its easily done - needs some practise to come down from being very alerted to more relaxed.

Keep going.  :)