BPDFamily.com

Over the holiday's my husband got upset at his family's house because his cousins boyfriend (a man neither of us really care for) gave me a hug, I was caught off guard. My husband doesn't like men touching me, I have dealt with this as part of his BPD and I really don't want other men touching me unless it is family (I'm not a touchy person either). I don't consider him any kind of family, he comes off as too friendly and like he is trying too hard to get people to like him (rubs my husband the wrong way). Anyways, I know this is going to come up again the next time we see his cousin and her bf. How do I refuse a hug without it coming off as rude? My plan for now is to offer a handshake the next time but I would really just like to avoid touching him all together. I have to ask because this is really the first time I have had to refuse touch to someone. I barely hug my own cousins because my family doesn't hug.

I would also like to ask if this is a common thing for people with BPD. To not like the other sex to touch their spouse. I could hug females all day long and he wouldn't have a problem with it. He's very particular about men even touching him. 

Well, my uBPDh doesn't like anyone touching me, either gender. He has a high paranoia quotient. He thinks EVERYONE wants me - the old, the young, the same gender, the married... .its just the BPD. Whatever.

As for avoiding an unwanted hug, I am a huge fan of honesty, but said in a self deprecating way. Like, next time you see him and he goes in for the hug, step backward in a "I surrender" pose and make a "I know this is weird" face, and say, " yea... I'm sorry... .I don't really DO touching... .it 's just not my thing. I don't even hug my own Grandmother! (or whomever) Then laugh at yourself a little and follow it up with "I'm cool with a handshake if ya want!" With this scenario you are making yourself look like you have a weird phobia or issue, and not just an issue with HIM.

I actually hug all of his female cousins, because they come in for a hug with me. I also hug his uncle, because he's considered family and that doesn't bother my husband. 

I think I might just offer a handshake without an explanation next time. If he says anything I will say I don't hug men. It's crazy because there are 3 other men at the same family get togethers and I don't have to even bat an eye about it because the most they do is say Hi or Bye. This is the newest boyfriend and he's just way too friendly for my husband (and for me). To me he comes off as too friendly with the small kids too. Just saying if I had kids I wouldn't allow him to be so friendly with them. Being in a family that doesn't hug much it's a new thing for me to have to tell someone to back off.

Mention it honestly to your cousin and she can word him up not to do it. It would save an embarrassing moment. Have you tried this, or do you find it difficult being open about your partners issues?

My partner is opposite with other members of the opposite sex hugging me. she likes to think she is making them jealous.

I am sure others will confirm that physical contact with third parties brings out all kinds of perceptions.

Have you thought of having a standard response ready, as this can happen unexpectedly?

It is his cousin, but I think they all kind of get it that he has mental problems. I mean, they've known him longer than I have, But I don't think they get the full extent. Since it is his family I don't really know how to approach them about it.


I think this is where I am at now. This being someone new to the family I didn't really expect it to happen I guess. I mean I've known my own cousins girlfriend longer and more personally than this guy and I've never felt the need to hug her. It just blows my mind, I guess I just don't get the hugging strangers thing. I will be prepared from now on.

I guess it doesn't need a full explanation of the disorder just a simple statement that it is preferable if it isn't done, you can even say you have an aversion to it if you like without further explanation or JADE. You have that right. Most people don't mind as long as you are not embarrassing them on the spot.


I've never been a hugger either, but all my partners family do this and I get in trouble for not being too enthusiastic about this.