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Three Christmases ago my father was raging at my sister for buying carpet for her new house that he felt she couldn't afford (she has only 1,000 dollars left on the mortgage as of this month). 

Last Christmas I got raged at by my uNPD Father the week before Christmas and I suggested he not come to my Christmas party until he was able to get closure on the differences he had with my siblings.  He decided to not come to the party. 

Last week my uNPD father called and raged at my brother.  My brother didn't offer any details but stated Dad was angry about me and my sister's "bad" behavior.  This past year I have been VLC and my sister has been NC for over a year.  My brother has been LC.  Before Thanksgiving my father called and invited me and my family over for Christmas and I told him I would not be coming because I did not feel I was capable of not offending him or his uBPD fiancée.  My brother stated he wasn't coming because he didn't have much time off of work to travel to his place. 

On Christmas eve in the mail, Me and my brother and sister all received Christmas cards that read "The heart belongs at home for Christmas".  On the inside it was hand written by the uBPD fiancée that we were invited for a party at their house Christmas Eve and Christmas day.  Why the last minute invite again?  If we had decided at the last minute we still wanted to go we would have had to hopped in the car the minute we got it in the mail since everyone lives several miles away.  I texted my father Christmas day "Merry Christmas I hope your day is filled with peace and joy."  I never heard a response.  What is this all about?  Does anyone else experience this at Christmas?

   

Oh, heck yeah.  I'd say it's a last-ditch effort to get you back under their control.  I experienced several similar things for many Christmases, and just recently this Christmas.  May I share this most recent one?

Quick b/g:  BPD mom sent us kids an e-mail last January saying enDad was going to kill her.  After we kids determined there indeed was no threat whatsoever, two sibs cut both parents off and I went no-contact with BPD mom (other sib stayed LC with both parents).  Oldest brother's requirement for both parents to re-establish contact with him was (among other things) a signed release from a therapist that they were individually seeing, stating that they were both seeking help for their issues.  My Dad did this just a month ago in November, sending the signed release to every sibling, not just the older brother.  We heard nothing from BPD mom other than passive aggressive e-mails, an Oscar-worthy fauxpology letter and certainly nothing from a doctor or therapist.

So a few weeks ago, all us kids receive a Christmas card, written in her hand saying "You have received contact from both our therapists.  Please know that you are loved and are welcome at our home for Christmas or any other time.  [signed in their individual signatures]"  When I showed enDad the card, he said that BPD Mom was positive that her therapist sent a letter to all us kids, and that it was sent "months ago".  No, it never was--sibs all confirmed that they never received anything from her therapist either.

All this to say, the Christmas card was just another effort for her to get us to question ourselves and get at least one or some of us back under her control again, and give her what she wants.  I suspect that was the same with you.  ((HUGS))

 *welcome*

Though I don't experience your specific type of drama, I get my own variety involved with making sure everything is double (and triple) cleaned and arranged to perfection for my golden child brother.

I remind myself that the holidays (bah humbug) are stressful enough for healthy people. For BPDs and NPDs, it puts them over the top and brings out the worst. They want perfection, or at least the illusion, and will try to manipulate to get it.

Best wishes to you for a peaceful and joyous holiday season.

I believe I have been the golden child growing up.  I would do whatever I could to make my father happy and to not make waves.  My sister was the scapegoat.  I am not sure what my brother was. I never really knew my brother growing up since he lived with my Dad and I lived with my Mom.  My sister and I did not have a relationship when we were in our 20s.  We are both in our 30s now.  For years she has been telling how bad my father treated her and honestly I didn't always believe her.  It has only been the past 3 years with my father's BPD girlfriend in the picture that being the "perfect" child wasn't good enough anymore.  Although we never were growing up, my sister, brother, and I are more tight than we have ever been.  Is there anyway to break through to your brother?  Even though I didn't get blamed as much as my sister it still sucked having an emotionally unresponsive father that would fly off the handle over things us kids had no control over.  Being a miniature adult was a high price to pay for parental approval.

Moonbeam77, you definitely aren't alone, and it doesn't just happen at Christmas.  A couple years ago I finally had enough of holidays with my family and didn't attend.  My mom stopped speaking to me altogether.  The next holiday after that, my sons (aged 4 years and 8 months) received in the mail hand-written, formal invitations with RSVP requests at the bottom.  This was not a holiday that we had ever celebrated with my family, and they knew that we spent it with my husbands side, so to give me no excuse to say no, they planned it for the weekend either just before or after.  I was furious and just didn't respond.  I was thinking, addressed just to my sons, does she really expect them to call her?  Was I supposed to just drop them off and go wait at a coffee shop until her perfect holiday was over?  When I didn't answer, she sent my dad after me, asking me via facebook if they were coming the next day (which I ignored) then after I thought it was all over, I got another message saying they had to reschedule and were the boys coming?

In my mom's case, I think she gets this idea in her head of the perfect holiday and completely loses it when it doesn't go perfectly according to her plan.  She's going to do everything she can think of to try and force people to do things her way.  And in case you are curious, I later asked her if she thought I was just going to drop them off and come back to get them later since my whole family wasn't speaking to me.  Her answer: "No, I thought you would have realized they'd need supervision."  Oh great, so she just wanted me to babysit my kids at her party so that she could have her picture-perfect holiday and I could swoop in when the kids started acting up. 

I also have small children ages 7,6, and a 1 year old.  Perhaps that is why it would be important for us to be present.  I feel a little bummed about this holiday because I was trying to avoid the drama all together.  This summer I had requested that my father and his fiancée just plan on not doing holidays with my nuclear family.  My father then had told me it is ok if I don't want to participate but  my siblings will always want to go to my house for the holidays because I live closer to them.  My father lives 2 1/2 hours away from my brother and I and about 3 hours away from my sister.  I guess out of respect for his feelings I decided to not host a Christmas party this year even though the past 4 years I have hosted.  So Christmas eve was kind of a low key event.  Also after getting cussed out last week and getting the Christmas invite to my father's house my brother was feeling down Christmas eve because I think he felt guilty.

Did you have a good holiday?

I did.  It was nice and relaxing.  I hope you were able to enjoy yours.

This is the first Christmas in 56 years that I did not walk on egg shells!  |iiii

I came home to an empty house. My dear BF is taking care of his sick dad, and unfortunately, I had to fly back home for a doctor's appointment.

It was a lonely Christmas by myself, but I put Post-It notes all over the house reminding me of the positives, and the absence of the negative, like not having to out run, outmaneuver and out-think 3 Winged Monkeys with PMS, the Cataclysmic Cyclone and the Wicked Witch of the West(see bio below).

Some of my favorite Post-It notes:



:light: Just think, no trips to the ER! Bazinga!

:light: Examine what you tolerate.

:light: Hey, I don't have to spackle holes in the drywall. Score!

:light: May the bridges I burn light the way.

And my Christmas favorite:

You're so fabulous, I'm pretty sure you fart glitter. snowman+=

I'm glad you made the choice to do something to cheer yourself up. :)  Sometimes you just have to look on the bright side.

Holidays or any special event definitely bring it out in them, don't they?  I remember my first Christmas with my husband.  My mother LOST it because someone dropped by with a pie and I guess it just wasn't part of her perfect day plan.  Anyway, I'll never understand why, but it set her off.  She ran from the room crying and everyone just looking around like "what the heck just happened?"  My poor husband--he didn't know what he had stepped into.  I knew it was coming the minute the doorbell rang.  Poor neighbor.

My mother ruined my wedding, my daughter's birth, came close to ruining my sister's wedding, birthday parties, baptisms, showers, Easter, you name it.  I finally just put my foot down this year and said I wasn't doing it.  I think it kind of shocked my two sisters.  They are still very enmeshed with her and although they don't deny my mother has BPD, they choose to deal with it very differently.  I think they get upset that I won't play the game.  I had THE MOST RELAXING HOLIDAY I'VE EVER HAD.  It was just my husband and myself and our four kids.  We just played with Legos all day and ate a ton.  I start getting anxiety in October about the holidays ever year.  It felt good this year to just step out of the picture.  Just disengage.  My mom sent presents for the kids over with my sisters (who did stop by).  My Mom kept texting them while they were over here.  My Mom (in the past) gives me garage sale stuff every year.  And then tells these grandiose lies about how she saw it in the store and it looked just like me.  Ironically, it will still have the hand written price tags on it and not look like anything I would ever wear (I'm very simple and it would be gaudy, tarnished jewelry).  I don't want to sound like I'm not thankful for gifts, it's just she is very into labels/money so it is ironic to me she gives us junk.  Speaks volumes.  Oh, and my stepdad owns a gun store and we got hunting clothes.  Um, I don't hunt.  This year, I wanted to pick a charity and us all give to something instead of spending money on each other.  She told me no, she gave enough already.  She owns an estate sale business and a lady volunteers her time in exchange for Mom giving her wages to the Humane Society.  I said, "well that's really her giving, not you.  and don't you hate animals?"  She said, "yes, that's why I do it--so they'll spay and neuter them and there won't be so many."  Talk about a giving spirit! 

Although I could care less about a gift from her, I thought it ironic she sent the kids gifts and not me (over with my sisters).  She got my other sisters $200 gifts this year (not garage sale stuff).  Really nice Kitchenaid appliances/mixers.  Not that they bake or anything.  The only reason I know this is because my sister posted a picture of her gift/details on Facebook.  Mind you, my mother had every kitchen appliance known to man when we were growing up.  Bread makers, cappucino makers, tons of china, you name it.  But she never cooked and certainly never entertained.  It was all about having those things and trying to fill up that hole inside her. 

Sounds like that's your punishment for not doing what she wants anymore.  Mine did the same thing when I said I wasn't coming to the holidays.  She made sure the point was clear she was only getting gifts for the kids.  Those types of passive-aggressive things really do annoy me.

I found it very interesting that your sisters got upset about you not playing the game.  After my brother getting raged at by my Father, my brother told me Christmas would be easier on him if me and my sister were getting along with our Dad.  It is weird that me and my siblings can be so excepting of verbal/emotional abuse.

Since I declined all together participating in the holidays with my uNPD and his uBPD fiancée I also felt I was quitting the game.  Do you felt you got a reward for playing the game previously?

I also start getting so anxious about the holidays early November that is why I didn't even want to agree meeting up after the holidays.  I am happy for you that you had a relaxing Christmas.

Tracey, I've been thinking. . . how about telling either your Mom to stop sending over gifts and such via other people?  And telling your sisters that you won't accept anything from them if it came from her?  That way, she can't silently use your kids against you (which is worse than saying anything to your face).  I'd stop that sh!t right away.  Your kids can and will see what Grannie is doing, and that's not healthy for them or you.   

I set that exact boundary to my own BPDmom, and she broke it only once by sending something over with my enDad.  I called enDad out on it, he got pissy and left, and it hasn't happened since.  It's a great boundary to have.

Because (gah, since I can't EDIT!) using gifts as weapons SUCKS for everyone involved, and will forever taint the mere idea of a gift.

My eldest daughter (the one that she latches onto and told some inappropriate things regarding my father's affair) turns 11 on Jan. 4th.  I got a card in the mail from by BPD mom to her with a $50 iturnes gift card and a card that says "I miss you so terribly much."  Mind you, another one of my children (I have four) has a birthday on Dec. 31 but nothing came in the mail for her.  Granted she's only turning two... .My mother has always latched onto my eldest daughter, not my boys or baby. 

Kicking myself as I write this... .do I give the card/gift to my daughter?  She knows something is wrong with her grandmother but at her age, it is hard to process what little bit she knows.  Do I send it back?  Do I give it my daughter without the card?  Not sure... .Do I burn it?   

My biggest fear is when my daughter gets in college or on her own that my mother will sink her claws into her and I won't be able to protect her.  And she won't even know it is happening... .So subtle.  And next thing you know you are an emotional basketcase with tons of debt to your name because she stole your identity (yes, she did this to the tune of $85,000 to other family members).

Moonbeam... .as for my sisters... .they don't deny any of our childhood or the present issues with my mother.  But they do not confront her with paying back the debt from the identity theft.  They do not question her and they still need to play "happy family."  It is so fake but that's all they know.  My youngest said "I know it seems silly, but I just need a mother."  I get that; I really do.  I did too.  But I finally realized she wasn't a real mother.

You know what I did, Tracey?  I was honest with my 10 1/2 year old (who turns 11 in June).  I was straight-up with her.  Like your DD, she KNEW something was up--she couldn't miss it when my sibs and I received the first death-threat e-mail (reference my other threads for the background).  On the advice of an LMFT friend, I was very matter-of-fact with 10 1/2 year-old DD, and told her the truth--what Grandma did was wrong and WHY it was wrong.  Both DDs know what happened, and why Grandma is on a very long TO.  They also know it will be my decision when/if Grandma is ever allowed back into our lives.

That's what worked for me.  And in hindsight, I can see instances where uBPD mom had started getting enmeshed with my DD.  So your concerns are VERY valid. 

And again, this is where I would set a strict, immovable boundary regarding your mother--that she's not to send ANYTHING over to your children (whatever is appropriate to your circumstances) and certainly not to send anything over to them via enablers.  As for the current gift card, I'd pitch it and not even mention it to your DD. 

Thanks, Sitara.

Have a wonderful New Year!  



Glad it made you laugh, MammaMia!

Wishing you a new year of endless possibilities,   

SeaSwirl

My family might be riding The CrAzY TrAiN, but I don't have to buy a ticket!