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Its been a long time since my last post. I have been in a off and on again relationship with my now wife for over three years, we have a daughter together. The record is still playing the same song. While she has not left again, and for now I don't fear she will, her mental state is in the dumps. Everyday she talks about how she wishes to end her life all day while we both are at work via text message. She says she has never been happy her whole life for more than a week or so at a time. She has very few stable meaningful relationships with anyone. Our 2.5 year old daughter is a handful, a bit too much for her I think. She refuses to get any treatment as she says that has never worked in the past.

The reality to all this is she is right... She has a horrible relationship with her family whom she refuses to impose any boundaries. She has no real stable relationships with friends. We live paycheck to paycheck because she cannot live within her means, my bills often go unpaid. She has never stayed in any form of treatment long enough to get any long term benefit. Truthfully I am not overly concerned she will attempt suicide, at this point I am just frustrated with the whole situation. I love my wife and am not looking to end the relationship but I am tired of being an emotional zombie to the point I am angry. I have built a fair amount of resentment up I guess. I hate living a lie, to look like everything is perfect on the outside while she talks about how she hates herself and cannot stand to live everyday to me.

I think I have lost allot of my empathy toward her, this cannot be helping the situation.

Hi duncanville,


you sound exhausted and having this much pressure in you is certainly not good for anyone involved

Taking a step back the dissonance of perfect outside and broken inside is very stressful. On an emotional level one could say that it is invalidating. You get worn down by living a lie. Your wife is at the point of being suicidal. And still you spend a lot of effort maintaining this "perfect outside".

There is no quick fix for the inside. But what would it mean to accept that imperfection is reflected on the outside? It well may be embarrassing. But it could be also validating and grounding. The fear of doom is sometimes worse that the actual crisis. Are there places where could you afford being less perfect?

Pretty much the way my life was unraveling. Do you believe a  lot of your wifes issues stem from presenting this facade to the world while being far from it on the inside. Hence highlighting her own perception of her failings?

The irony is many need therapy to learn the commitment required to attend therapy. Catch 22. My partner is that way, I have no desire to push her into therapy as it becomes pointless and just reinforces the failure, for now any way.

To rid yourself of the resentment do you feel it may be better to work on being more honest in your life and not trying to maintain the facade of perfection?

Do you believe the facade in itself just becomes a barrier to hinder any chance of improvement?

Being stuck behind these false realities really can do a lot of reinforcing what a failure they are.

What do you think you could do to turn things around rather than just treading water?

The points made are good ones, I am not at all concerned with keeping up the outside image. I have gotten to the point where I am blunt and honest with my wife. I feel that allowing her to hide in this false reality is never going to solve the core issues. She comes back on me saying I am no longer emotionally supporting her. I am not telling her what she needs to hear to feel better' In reality that's true. I don't think painting a rosey picture anymore is going to work. It simply makes her feel better for a short time.