BPDFamily.com

Hello

Been quite awhile since I have been here and posted, All i can say to the newbies is that it does get better and can... the healing will come and talking to a T wil help alot to work thru the emotional and trauma maybe some of you have been feeling or dealing with...


My question is... I am curious as to how many of you both new and seasoned have had to end or cut relationships out of your lives because of the proximity they had to your ex!

I knnow I had to literally rearrange my life to heal,, remove myself from triangulation is the worst way. from old freinds to church support to eventually really the hardest moving away,, becasue she tainted my support system so much and how i just wanted to stop hurting and th heartbreak to go away... and not be caught in the mess any longer...

I know I cannot be alone in this ,

and wanted to bring light to this and just know what others experiences may have been or the sacrifices they had to make to no longer be caught in the triangulation that they are so good at spinning and the manipulation that they can have on family and close freinds,

Love you all and this forum has been a lifesaer,, again ,, it does get better,, trust me... your hrarts will heal, and you will grow...

Just its hard to say how long it may take,

Thanks for posting this, as it has been a topic on my mind as of lately. For me most of my relationships and social life is completely different than 15 months ago. This is for more than one reason. Some people when she left and I really knew it was over or things were getting nuts, I just backed away from in hopes she would reach out to them. Some of them then cut ties with her, or came back to me on their own. Very few stayed in touch with her. Then I had some who I thought were my friends, and I am in AA so they were in my circle there too, only to turn out that they were actually stabbing me in the back for how long I don't know. These are people I had known for years. That was incredibly painful, the most recent one being just 6 weeks ago and our daughters god parents! It was really the worst. Things had not been well with us since the split but I never expected them to take sides the way they did. When that happened I decided pretty much all ties to anyone who was even remotely close to my ex had to be cut. For my own safety and health. They are buying into the lies she is still telling about me, which after 15 months kinda scares and appalls me, and so I can't be around that toxic behavior. It is hard but easier too.

Then I have the friends who I let stay at a distance but have stayed loyal to me for the most part and just watched who has acted how and made their own decisions. Giving them the space so to speak. Seeing as how we were both in AA here, well she went but never really worked any program I am actually wondering if that wasn't also about her needing an identity because she stopped going a while before leaving me and still rarely goes. Anyway though I gave up a lot of people, meetings, etc in hopes she would have a safe place to go and in a way to "circle my wagons" so to speak. Relationship wise I have lost a lot either because they choose to or I felt my safety depending upon it. It has sucked and hurt but my small circle of new friends and a few old ones is so much better and stronger now. I grieve but am accepting they were just a season in my life.

I feel you man,, It does suck, losing old friends you have had way before our exes had entered our lives,, its uncanny how they can put their best behavior on or game face on around them, so what you say looks so uncredible to a audience. My biggest loss was my church family and how she infected it... I mean... like wholly crap go home go back west to your family and friends, dont stay and infect mine... neeless to say. I had to cut alot of them out... she was in my chruch family, my support groups, makig friends with my friends, that never even met her... as again i did not get to itroduce her to everyone in my circle as she was only my wife for 3 weeks, meaning, alot of people she was getting close to nver knew she was my wife, 

it does get better... .

I've lost a "mate", because she was f*<king him behind my back (while she was still my girlfriend). He eventually grew the balls to tell me, but not until he knew I suspected him. The worst part is, because she knows he doesn't care about her, he'll get to keep screwing her for as long as he wants, because meaningless sex doesn't trigger pwBPD, the "L" word does. I've also 'lost' her 2 young sons, who love me more genuinely than she ever did, and her family, who told me I was the first of her partners to make an effort to understand & help her (not that it did any good). I know they don't have a problem with me, so I guess in a sense I haven't lost them, but I don't see the point in staying in touch with them. It'd only drag out the detachment process.

Nope, lost nothing.

The handful of times my ex would accompany me to a gathering of my friends she always wanted to leave early, convinced they didn't like her. I'm pretty choosy about my core group of friends and most of them I've know for years. They know who I am.

I think my ex went into a default mode not wanting to hang out with them. The risk for her was always the mask would come off and my friends would say "what the hell are you doing with her Trick". So she would avoid it as much as possible.

As far as her friends? Always trying to get me to hang out with them, which I would do. There was always so much drama going on. I lost maybe a couple of her friends that seemed somewhat normal. The rest, she can have em, no loss for me.

I do miss some of her family members but nowhere where I feel a loss.

It's her world, she can have it. I do thank because of her she never got close enough to anyone in mine where I lost them.

Trick

I lost most of my friends and family because of my hBPD. I only talk to one of my sisters. The rest of the family is banned from contact. It's funny how it happened right after we married. He started to change his behavior toward my family, as if constantly trying to find the slightest defect on anybody. Then it was that he was bothered with the weekend gatherings... and then the baby was born, and that was it. He created scenarios that isolated me from my family. I was young and stupid and afraid of him and let this happen.

Same thing with my friends. Luckily there's Facebook, and that's how I stay in touch with them. But I can only do it so far or he'll get jealous. I also caught him a couple of times going through my fb messages and friend requests. It's so annoying!

If today the same thing were to happen, I'd probably run as far away from him as possible, but back then I thought it best to remain with the father of my child.